\documentclass[DIV=12,%
BCOR=0mm,%
headinclude=false,%
footinclude=false,open=any,%
fontsize=10pt,%
oneside,%
paper=210mm:11in]%
{scrbook}
\usepackage[noautomatic]{imakeidx}
\usepackage{microtype}
\usepackage{graphicx}
\usepackage{alltt}
\usepackage{verbatim}
\usepackage[shortlabels]{enumitem}
\usepackage{tabularx}
\usepackage[normalem]{ulem}
\def\hsout{\bgroup \ULdepth=-.55ex \ULset}
% https://tex.stackexchange.com/questions/22410/strikethrough-in-section-title
% Unclear if \protect \hsout is needed. Doesn't looks so
\DeclareRobustCommand{\sout}[1]{\texorpdfstring{\hsout{#1}}{#1}}
\usepackage{wrapfig}
% avoid breakage on multiple
and avoid the next [] to be eaten
\newcommand*{\forcelinebreak}{\strut\\*{}}
\newcommand*{\hairline}{%
\bigskip%
\noindent \hrulefill%
\bigskip%
}
% reverse indentation for biblio and play
\newenvironment*{amusebiblio}{
\leftskip=\parindent
\parindent=-\parindent
\smallskip
\indent
}{\smallskip}
\newenvironment*{amuseplay}{
\leftskip=\parindent
\parindent=-\parindent
\smallskip
\indent
}{\smallskip}
\newcommand*{\Slash}{\slash\hspace{0pt}}
% http://tex.stackexchange.com/questions/3033/forcing-linebreaks-in-url
\PassOptionsToPackage{hyphens}{url}\usepackage[hyperfootnotes=false,hidelinks,breaklinks=true]{hyperref}
\usepackage{bookmark}
\usepackage[english,shorthands=off]{babel}
\babelfont{rm}[Path=/usr/share/fonts/truetype/cmu/,%
BoldFont=cmunbx.ttf,%
BoldItalicFont=cmunbi.ttf,%
ItalicFont=cmunti.ttf]{cmunrm.ttf}
\babelfont{tt}[Scale=MatchLowercase,%
Path=/usr/share/fonts/truetype/cmu/,%
BoldFont=cmuntb.ttf,%
BoldItalicFont=cmuntx.ttf,%
ItalicFont=cmunit.ttf]{cmuntt.ttf}
\babelfont{sf}[Scale=MatchLowercase,%
Path=/usr/share/fonts/truetype/cmu/,%
BoldFont=cmunsx.ttf,%
BoldItalicFont=cmunso.ttf,%
ItalicFont=cmunsi.ttf]{cmunss.ttf}
\renewcommand*{\partpagestyle}{empty}
% global style
\pagestyle{plain}
\usepackage{indentfirst}
% remove the numbering
\setcounter{secnumdepth}{-2}
% remove labels from the captions
\renewcommand*{\captionformat}{}
\renewcommand*{\figureformat}{}
\renewcommand*{\tableformat}{}
\KOMAoption{captions}{belowfigure,nooneline}
\addtokomafont{caption}{\centering}
\deffootnote[3em]{0em}{4em}{\textsuperscript{\thefootnotemark}~}
\addtokomafont{disposition}{\rmfamily}
\addtokomafont{descriptionlabel}{\rmfamily}
\frenchspacing
% avoid vertical glue
\raggedbottom
% this will generate overfull boxes, so we need to set a tolerance
% \pretolerance=1000
% pretolerance is what is accepted for a paragraph without
% hyphenation, so it makes sense to be strict here and let the user
% accept tweak the tolerance instead.
\tolerance=200
% Additional tolerance for bad paragraphs only
\setlength{\emergencystretch}{30pt}
% (try to) forbid widows/orphans
\clubpenalty=10000
\widowpenalty=10000
% given that we said footinclude=false, this should be safe
\setlength{\footskip}{2\baselineskip}
\setlength{\parindent}{15pt}
\title{God}
\date{}
\author{Andy Kaufman}
\subtitle{\dots{} and other stories}
% https://groups.google.com/d/topic/comp.text.tex/6fYmcVMbSbQ/discussion
\hypersetup{%
pdfencoding=auto,
pdftitle={God},%
pdfauthor={Andy Kaufman},%
pdfsubject={\dots{} and other stories},%
pdfkeywords={}%
}
\begin{document}
\begin{titlepage}
\strut\vskip 2em
\begin{center}
{\usekomafont{title}{\huge God\par}}%
\vskip 1em
{\usekomafont{subtitle}{\dots{} and other stories\par}}%
\vskip 2em
{\usekomafont{author}{Andy Kaufman\par}}%
\vskip 1.5em
\vfill
\strut\par
\end{center}
\end{titlepage}
\cleardoublepage
\tableofcontents
% start a new right-handed page
\cleardoublepage
\part{Title Page}
God
\dots{} and other plays
Andy Kaufman
\part{Publisher Details}
by The Andy Kaufman Memorial Trust
First Printing January. 2000
ISBN 1-930401-01-8
Published by
Zilch Publishing, Inc. 1405 Route 23
Wayne, New Jersey 07470
Book design and production by Graphic Concepts and Reproductions, Inc., Fairfield, NJ
Printed in the United States of America
\part{Preface}
My brother, Andrew Geoffrey Kaufman, was a prolific writer.
From the time he was 12 until his death at age 35 in 1984, he wrote constantly. Poems, short stories, plays, even novels. He would write on paper napkins, small scraps of paper, address books, spiral notebooks, looseleaf paper or lined legal pads. Occasionally, he would type his work, but mostly it was all hand-written - or more accurately, hand scrawled.
Most of his early writing was done unbeknownst to the family.While Andy's classmates were awake in class, Andy was asleep. While his fellow classmates were sleeping at night, teenager Andy was awake into the wee hours of the morning, writing about his observations of the day, giving vent to his boundless imagination and developing characters and acts which we would later recognize as having ben germinated during this stage of his youth. I became aware of this when I started reading his work after he died. Andy dated almost all of his writing, usually including the time of day, and after he graduated high school, would scribble the address of where he did his writing.
After graduating high school in 1967, he spent the next year driving a taxi, a delivery truck and washing dishes. While most of his affiuent classmates went on to college, Andy worked, saving enough to buy a \$400 used Cadillac limousine. He once had our father dress up as a chauffeur and drive him around Great Neck while he lounged in the backseat, waving at pedestrians like a star on parade. Andy used his limo to pick me up from my summer job parking cars at a fancy country club, entertain his friends, and otherwise have a grand time doing something most kids wouldn't have imagined.
In September 1968 he enrolled at Grahm Junior College. He began learning transcendental meditation on December 5 of that year and two months later started writing .GOO. While Andy was a freshman, LBJ was
President, gasoline was 25¢ a gallon, and the Vietnam war was in fullswing. Andy, at 20 years old, had successfully avoided being drafted into the Army by scoring a zero on the psychological exam.
GOD. was written during a time when Andy was exploring and challenging the norms of the world. Actually, when wasn't he? Having been brought up in the Jewish faith he was taught to have a certain view of God. But Andy always had a devilish, impish "what if" quality to him. Along with his newly found discipline of meditation, he was exploring the boundaries of what one was allowed to think, let alone, write.
To the best of my knowledge, .GOD was the only one of Andy's plays ever performed. He had it produced by his classmate, Al Parinello, who managed the coffeehouse on campus. Andy showed the world his ability to walk in and out of different characters, and be totally immersed in each one. The few people who were fortunate to be his audience at that time witnessed up close what the rest of the world would later discover, Andy's amazingly convincing ability to instantly transform characters.
When you read ilQI2 think of the different characters of Andy that you know. Nice Andy, mean Andy, innocent child Andy, wrestling Andy, Tony Clifton Andy, Foreign man Andy, Vic Ferrari playboy Andy, and all the other Andy's or possible Andy's.You'll see one full page of "tee-heehee". When he performed this piece, he said each of the 124 "tee-heehee's",giving meaning to every one of them. He was not merely being cute or filling up a page with this innocent girl's giggle.He has another page of a baby's"ga ga goo's."Again, each goo and ga had its purpose.
Most of Andy's writings, from his poetry and plays to his short stories and novels, are a self-exposition, if not self-exploration. As such, many of his writings are somewhat obviously autobiographical. While
GOD is not as obvious, I challenge you to see Andy in the story. Is he Larry Prescott, a delivery truck driver like Andy, who goes on to become an entertainer more famous than Elvis? Larry Prescott becomes even more famous than Goel. Is Larry Prescott Elvis? Andy? Or is Andy Tinctured Puncture, who has magical ways and doesn't find it necessary to speak, which his family doesn't understand. Is Gina his ideal girl: Innocent with a magic to her? Is the "nasal tone"character the first signs of Tony Clifton? The Queen beats up her macho King, just like bravado Tony Clifton would get beat up by females.A King as a vulnerable wimp?
Go figure! But, don't limit Andy to being any one of these characters - there was probably a little of him in each.
Andy brings some personal, however innocuous, tidbits into 001). He adapts part of the Camp Lenox alma mater, "High on a Stately Mountain High," a sleep away camp he attended for three years as a child. He works in the words to part of the Coasters' hit song, "Charlie Brown". He works in the nursery rhyme "4 and 20 blackbirds" as part of a sentence.
Andy loved amusement parks, where one could escape into a world of fantasy without being looked at funny.He viewed life through the eyes of an innocent child, who saw the world as a big amusement park. Our family would visit Coney Island every year, and after Andy was famous, he remained an amusement park enthusiast. Even if he had to wear the sweatshirt with a ridiculous hood that he would tie tightly around his head to be incognito, he would still go. In fact,Andy told me he wanted to put a roller coaster in Manhattan. It would go up, down, and around the skyscrapers. It might have been designed as a mode of transportation, according to his rationale. Andy liked to break down barriers, and
thought anything was possible. I can still hear him saying 'ya never
know. . .".
A WORD OF CAUTION: One night, early in Andy's career, my friends, Alan and Jeff, andIdrove Andy into Manhattan to perform. I parked the car with Alan, after we had dropped off Andy and Jeff on the sidewalk outside the nightclub. After parking, he walked towards the nightclub only to find them in the same spot we left them. got angry and accused them of being lazy and waiting for us to help with the dirty work of bringing Andy's multitude of instruments and props downstairs. Then
I learned that Andy had already been downstairs at the club, started setting up, lost his audience in the process of dawdling and was kicked out by an irate manager.Waiting for Andy's punchline could be slow agony. On this night the audience gave him the punch. For those who waited during the subsequent dozen years of Andy's career, the wait was usually worth it, even if there was no punchline.
GOD was written to be delivered orally, by Andy. (Our Great Uncle Sidney and Great Aunt Anne were supposedly the only two people who understood the book when Andy wrote it, 88 the story goes). Reading it may be slow. But remember, there IS a payoff.
The performance pieces included in this book are an example of Andy inviting us to enter his own interior world with him, something he continued the rest of his life, no matter what he did or where he went. So join Andy in his wonderful world of fantasy. Let yourself go with the flow. You be thejudge if there's a message, and along the way, ertjoy the ride.
Michael A. Kaufman December 1999
\part{Foreword}
I remember September 14, 1969 like it was last Tuesday.It was the day the most interesting man I've ever known introduced me, and an audience of co-students at Boston's Grahm Junior College, to his life's work. The man was Andy Kaufman, and the work he performed was a novel called, appropriately enough,
What makes this significant is the fact that Andy was in his early 20's at the time, and he was acting out his story about a life he hadn't yet lived. But only he knew that. To us, it appeared old hat to him. Sure, you may think, that's about right for Andy Kaufman, but that's because you know of his on-the-edge antics and his subsequent fame. In 1969 he was about as famous as any lonely student away from home on a college campus.
Life, as the axiom goes, throws many of us an occasional curve ball, but in the fall of 1969,Andy Kaufman was thrown into my Life Like a perfectly placed fast ball. I didn't swing for the seats.I didn't have to. Rather, I sat back and enjoyed our friendship, strange as it was. Nonetheless, Andy rocketed out of the ballpark and continued on that fascinating traje<:tory until his untimely death in 1984.
Surprisingly, meeting and befriending Andy as a young student
wasn't spectacular.As a matter of fact, it was quite ordinary, even bordering on boring at times. We both missed our families and we both anticipated successful, albeit undefined, careers in media. Grahm, as the preeminent broadcasting school in the country, was the place to learn.
I solved loneliness by running for office on the student council, and winning. My platform was to organize and open a campus coffeehouse, ''.Al's Place," all the rage in the 60's.Andy took a rather eclectic road to meeting people. Hejoined the Transcendental Meditation Center in near-
by Cambridge, where he learned the art of relaxing and contemplating every moment of his life. In a particularly telling discussion, years later in my living room, he referred to "TM"as"only thing I ever did that I take seriously."One of the great honors of my life is that I was given the opportunity to be the first person to hire Andy as a stage performer\dots{}
Andy showed up one day at my "office.'' the back door of the coffee house, and said, in a very straightforward, if not bland, voice, "I would like you to hire me because I'm funny." My response, "Well, you don't seem very funny," didn't deter him, despite the fact that I continued to book other promising acts, such as Livingston Taylor. After two or three more rather pathetic requests on his part, I relented, driving a hard bargain that got him hired for \$5.00. His premiere coffeehouse appearance was dominated by Mighty Mouse, conga drums, foreign man, kids' songs, some very tacky party humor and, of course, the soon to be familiar feeling that something was wrong and out of control. But the finale ultimately came ancl quickly cured the discomfort. Out of nowhere\dots{}a perfectly executed portrayal of his idol, Elvis!I can still hear the room buzz, coeds swooning and screaming, really screaming.Something very important happened that night.
Shortly after, Andy suggested that he perform GOD, his one-man
play, as he called it. He also called it his novel, his story. I negotiated another hard \$5.00 deal and people showed up to see him again, this time reading and acting out .QQ.ll.
As you read the words to GOO I implore you t.o think ''.ANDY KAUF
MAN."This is a work that needs to be more than read. Itneeds to be performed to get the most out of it.Andy is no longer available for thejob, so I suggest that you imagine Andy in his glorious outrageous way, performing all the parts, ridiculously overacting.See him in your mind and hear his voices instantly change as he becomes the very cast of players you are about to meet. I assure you, as a Kaufman fan, you'll know instinctively just what characteristics Andy would have aptly applied to each of the personalities.
The research shows that Andy only performed the play .QQll several times.Maybe only 50 or so individuals on this planet were fortunate enough to witness the performances.As one, I can still bring back the experience, and oft.en do so. I remember being confused, but not minding the discomfort, because there was always a goal, something more. Something to look forward to.We were all brought closer and closer to an answer, closer and closer to the middle of an ever-amusing amusement park. In retrospect, Andy instinctively knew that all of us need to be motivated to keep going on, and, more importantly, all of us are searching in some way for an answer, if we only knew the question.
I wrote a review for the college newspaper about my experience that night, the reprinted version of which is included in this book. Outside of the trite verse of a college freshman, one sentence stands out like a smack to the head with a blunt instrument: ".GQll proved to be worth its weight in bottled clouds."I remember writing that sentence 30 years ago and I remember questioning myself about what it meant. Icouldn't answer truthfully.Ionly knew that it worked to describe what had seen. Istill feel the same way. If any one person could bottle a weightless cloud and preserve its interpretive nature for everlasting enjoyment, it would be Andy. Perhaps that's exactly what he has done here.
Enjoy .GQI!.It's special!
Al Parinello
\noindent November 1999
\part{God}
\chapter{I.}
Hearken thou: Art sinners all. I see ye in thou bloomers everyday picking some bits from one another's brows.Thou art comely into forbidden grounds.
I saw that ye were good. I loved ye more than ever.My patience hath abounding. Properties of perfunctory function. YetItoo have my limits; not that I have any limits at all. Nonetheless.I do not. Perfection overtools my regular.Yet I wish to limit my perfunct. Hast thou cherished the abdubial places of thou hearts?
THOU SHALT SUFFER
my friend.
more than ever.
THOU SHALT SUFFER
Thou hast sinned. Thou ist still sinning. Every day.All de time. Thou canst doest thist to me.
Damn you ass (baby).
ha ha ha
GO.
Down on your knees and suffer(you shall).
Tinctured Puncture
Tan face and narrow eyes. Straight mouth.
Handsome doll.
He walked down the streets of bustling city. Never grinned, never frowned. Always looked satisfied.
His legs carried his body throughout. Floated through. Arms waved back and forth in perfect rhythm. His head above all, Float. Floating. Gold hair.
People of course noticed him, but they did not stop and stare. He was
not a movie star.
Never stepped on a crack on the sidewalk.
Never moved out of anybody's way; never had to. Just walked straight.
A single line.
He stopped. Stared up at the big office building. Others looked up too. His mouth opened. Just a tiny crack. Beautiful.
He looked both ways.
Coughed. Fell. Choked. Tongue.
Gina wore the cutest bellbottoms. Imean just the cutest. You know, they fit her tight at the waist and gradually became looser until they went way way out at the bottom.
She always giggled ("Tee•hee•hee").
This time she walked down a city street and window shopped (''Tee• hee•hee"). Her short black hair like a pixie.She wasjust the cutest thing.
A man approached her. Confidential sneer. ''Hey baby."
Tee•hee•hee.
'Uh uh said hey baby." ''Tee•hee•hee". "Ahhww."
Angry frown. "Da gurls dese days don't know a good thing when they
see one!"
Tee-hee-hee.
She continued down the street. Satisfied grin. Little girl.
da da da da da-o
Tine!" cried the old man as he ran. He was almost short, kind of hunch-backed, and had a stubble-beard which made him look like a bum.
A crowd had formed. Some dared not to look, though.
Tine!"he cried. "Let me through, please."He held a bottle in front of hlm. "Let me through!"Police scowled.
Tinctured just lay there, sometimes coughing or choking.A doctor had tried to pull his tongue out, but to no avail.
"Time!"cried the old man as he ran. He stopped short at the body and bent down. "Here!" placed the bottle into Tinctured's mouth. Tintured drank. Movement. In the body. In the crowd.
"All right all right! Givem air! Given air!,.. Soft. murmur in the crowd.
Disband! Disband!
And Tinctured stood up.
Ach. Good,""said the old man."
And floated some more.
And Lany decided to stop at the window.Why couldn't people be more friendly these days?
And Gina stopped at thls very same window.''Tee-hee-hee".
He heard it. Aha. Friendly.What evil is there can be found in a giggle.
He stood longer.Closer."Uh-hi." 'Tee-hee-hee".
Cute little tee-hee-hee!Innocent as hell! Wow! A friendly person! "Say, whatcha doin'?"
Tee-hee-hee."
Oh my! Tee-hee-hee! Yes!!Tee-hee-hee! Good God! "Wanna do something-together?"
l'ee-hee-hee.
Tee-hee-hee! Yes!Tee-hee-hee! All right, baby!You got me! I'll do anything!ANYTHING! for you! Understand? C'mon! Le's go!! He took her arm. They walked away together. Her hand covered her mouth with the giggles once in a while. They skipped. They danced. His arm went up around her back good.
The kingdom of Alegadonia. Lay in the mountains.
King Fluke sat on the throne (big chair) all day. Queen Silga sat in the throness all day.
What a boring job. Worse than night watchman in a garage.
Alpert walked the dog. Hutch trimmed the hedges
Baby picked the flowers. Baby got spanked, of coW'Se, not by King Fluke, but by Algadem, the executioner.
The Kids were kept in the nursecy. Once a day they were allowed to play Ring Around the Rosey. Esther the nurse made sure that they only did this once a day.She theorized that Ring Around the Rosey was a dangerous game when played in excess. Her job was to keep them tame. Sometimes she used Castor Oil.
Castor Oil was a slob. He spit at people.He was fat. He was bald. He was no good. The children didn't like Castor Oil.
PEOPLE IN CHINA-UNITE.
And they did the other day.
A crushed people of vengeance.
A crash of polygmy.
Slanted eyes and a tooth brush. Waded up to their necks.
A bumble bee stings when it is mad.
A Chinese man has a temper like a bulldog.
An old lady will swat one with her stick of not careful.
A bulldog will stick out its neck to save one's life-Brandy.
o no-that's a Saint Bernard-
truly gifted dog of the alpine region of North Dakota.
A stock bearer palls down into deep snows-of truth-pain-elbow grease.
Sammy dug.He made sure to stay far away from the ocean. "That's a
good little boy,"said Mommy.
Truths abound wildly around children.
Take stock of what you hear-it may prove valuable. Ahem.
The girls of the chorus stood on the side of the brown dirt road and sang lonesome-cowboy-striding-music: da da dum da-da da dum da-daaadadadada.
Lonesome cowboys strode down lonesome street in Old Auburndale.
What a place!
The girls showed their knees. Mustaches wiggled. "Woo Weee!!"
'Wow!!"
Va Va Va Voooom!!
And that's just a sample of what you'll see inside,'' Nasal Tone was heard saying as he wiggled his own cotton-picking mustache.
Yessir-I tell you! Would you believe? Rotten to the core.
Ladies and Gentlemen \dots{}.
An apple a day \dots{}
They all piled into the saloon. "Glubba glubba glubba." "Hubba hubba hubba."
They all took seats.Black Bart made himself comfortable.They had a good time.
'Well, I've been through it all. I've been through a lotta shit. I'm sicka itl"
Sa try me! "I dey-ah ya!"
Oh, you ain't sa tuff. "Oh yeah?"
'Yeah!"
Oh YEAH?
YEAH! ah do decleah. "Well, hmph!"
Gwan, puthcer money wheah yo mout iss.
I c'n lick any man in da house. "Yeahm."
'Well?''
'Wellm?"
'Well, g\textbackslash{}Van. Putchah money wheah yo mout iss." "Okay!"
POW-right in da kisser!
me and my big mouf.
So Larry had Gina under his arm. They walked. They talked. They skipped and jumped.
Well, nice weather we're having, huh? "Tee-hee-hee."
Oh my Gawd?
They marched around a corner and under a tree. "Well, hay-be"
"Tee-hee-hee.''
Here we are \dots{}"""
'Tee-hee-hee.''
Just the two of us--hee hee.
'Tee-hee hee."
Ha-ha.
'Tee-hee-hee."
'Ho•ho-ho my!"
'Tee-hee-hee."
"Haw HAW!!"
'Tee-hee-hee."
HAW!!HAW!! HAW!!
'Tee-hee-hee.''
'HAW!!HAW!!HEY BAY-bee, how 'bout a little kiss, huh?" ''Tee-hee-hee."
Cum awn, I ain't gonna hurtcha.
Tee-hee-hee. "All right?" ''Tee-hee•hee." ' L RJGHT!"
'Tee-hee-hee."
Just pucker up that little smacker and let's get inta some action! ''TEE-HEE-HEE."
'What?---all's I said was pucker up da smacker and lets get inta some
action."
'Tee-hee-hee." "Oh-''
Tee-hee-hee.
Awww-
Tee-hee-hee."
Y'know-
Tee-hee-hee."
Ya make-a me mad! 'Tee-hee-hee."
Oh, you-
Tee-hee-hee. "Go ta hell!" "Tee-hee-hee."
(People just aren't friendly these days).
Tinctured Punctw-e. Floating. Just floating around. Never says a word.
Hey, you're cute,says a beautiful young lady.
Tinctured Puncture. Floating. Just straight. Not stopping. "Whell!"Young lady is embarrassed.
It is so! "It is not!"
It is so! "It is not!" "Oh yeah?"
'Yeah!"
Oh YEAH?
YEAH!
POW-right in the kisser•scroom, barn, pow, crash, kaboom, eek, wo, woch, aaarrghh.
gentlemen, GENtlemen• •
Tinctured Puncture.Floating.Just. Open arms. '1Iey."
"Hey•whaddaya say?" fights are ended such.
Sammy dug the beach. Yes-he really dug it. Mommy lay in the sun on her new Sun-Risened Beachnot Blanket in her new Gogettum Cadenza Triple-R Soft White 2 piece Bikinibum Bathing Suit, curling her legs at the knees and reading News in the Adventures of the Wilds (blue yonder), once in a while curling her toes so as to crack her knuckles. Her hair bundled up into a frizz, loaded with a bang atop an artificial net-curler. She employed a twest of sun reflector once in a while, and her red face reflected an ominous smile on red lips satisfied for the longing of an incubationally rationale dotatingly fine sun-tan.
Can I go in do watta, Mommy?asked Sammy.
'No." Mommy came to da beach. Mommy don't go in no ocean. Too many fish. (Mommy get nice sun-tan-so she look pretty for Daddy).
Why, maw?
"Hush up and keep digging."
If I keep digging, will I \dots{}
Yes, if you keep digging, you'll reach China. Now hush up. PEOPLE OF CHINA-can't quit.
must go
must see and hear: "Ching chong choChing chong cho-che-
Ching chong cho chi cha chaFing fang fo
Ya ma ta) e vous!!"
"Ya ma tal e vous?''
U te, 'Ya ma tal e vous'?'' ""A wan a nob!!"""
Rad na!!!
Yuk yuk!!
Huk?
Ho ko tu!
U te, 'ho ko tu?' A wan a noh! Rad na!! "Ifn u noh tel, A weel be madoso!!!!!" "Aw, Frita, tell de guy, heh?"
Noh!!
Aw, kum on, heh?
Noh!!A se Noh!! "Plis?"
Noh! Ahn iss final!!! "U ted it? A wan a noh!"
Well, another day, another dollar.
ttn ready for another hard day of sittn on the Throne.
Would you plee-as!said a nasal tone as she brought the covers to her side of the bed.
But dear . ..
But ---Okay.Ya wanna be ruff, hey? Ya wanna be ruff, hey? Then have your goddam covers? Gwan, keep 'em! Seef I care!
'Wot?"
Yeah, gwan. Msick of arguing with you.King Fluke got up and start- ed putting on his pants.
What do \dots{}just what do you mean? "I mean this: You Make Me Sick!" Silence.
Oh Yeah?
'Yeah?"
Oh YEAH? ''YEAH!!"
\chapter{II.}
Hearken thou: Art thou evil. Lissen
Thou shalt remorse Leggo my arm Sinners all
Thou shalt suffer
What happened to love? Kindness?
Thou shalt be ashamed of thou selves. Thou speakest tongue
Lissen
Iam he
Who created He The Man
Iam the Lord thy God-and don't you forgetit!
Thou'd better lessen Else thou shalt be sorry Sinners all
l am the Supreme Being Lissen to Me
He
Lord Thy God Hearken Thou Lissen
Leggo my arm
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mrnmmmm mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm mmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmrnrnmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm hmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm hmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm hmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm hmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm hmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmhhmmmhmmmhhmmmhhmmmhhmmmhhmmmhhmrnmhhmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee
tee-hee hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee•tee-hee-hee• tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee tee-hee hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee• hee--tee-hee-hee tee-hee hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee •hee•hee--tee-hee-hee tee-hee hee--tee•hee-hee•tee•hee•hee--tee-hee•hee--tee•hee•hee• tee•hee-hee tee-hee hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-bee-hee--tee-bee- bee--tee-bee-hee--tee-hee-bee tee-hee hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-bee-bee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee tee-bee hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee- hee--tee-bee-hee--tee-hee-hee tee-bee hee--tee-bee-bee--tee-bee-hee--tee-hee- bee--tee•bee-hee--tee-hee-hee tee-bee hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-bee-hee--tee-hee- hee--tee-bee-bee--tee-hee-hee tee-bee hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-bee-bee--tee-hee- bee--tee-bee-hee--tee-bee-hee tee-bee hee--tee-hee-bee--tee-bee-bee--tee-hee- hee--tee-bee-hee--tee-hee-hee tee-bee bee--tee- hee-hee--tee-bee-hee--tee-hee- bee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee tee-hee hee--tee-bee-hee--tee-bee-hee--tee-hee- bee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee tee-bee bee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee- hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee tee-bee hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee tee-hee hee--tee-hee-bee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-bee-hee tee-bee hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee tee-hee bee- tee-hee-hee-- tee-hee-hee--tee-hee- hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee tee-hee hee--tee-hee•hee--tee-hee•hee--tee-hee•hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee tee-bee hee--tee-hee-hee•tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee tee•hee hee tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee• hee hee--tee-hee-hee tee-hee-hee tee-hee hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee- hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee tee-hee hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee- hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee-hee tee-hee hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee- hee--tee-hee-hee--tee-hee- hee--tee-hee-hee
Yep
Howdy doo Here I am Old man Hunchback.
Not much of a man Drink all day Drunk
Yes
I like people out though Ya know
Tinctured
I like Tunctured
Now there's a youth with vim and vigor Dust free
Clavicals waning
Young whippersnapper
Ilike young whippersnappers Ya know
For goodness sake Cut that noise
A man can't hear himself think around here These days
What's the world coming to
Anyway
(Hi)
People just aren't friendly these days. Try ta be nice
Whaddaya get Nuthin
All's uh said was pucke up dat little smacker and let's get into some action
People misunderstand Always misunderstand Always
Yes
I'm sick of all this
Can't I find someone to understand? Oh gawd
Why then oh why can't I? Somewhere
Someone understands
I wanna make sumthin of myself I wanna be somebody
Someday
They're all gonna kneel at my feet Wait and see
Just you wait
Oh lord God up in heaven I wanna be somebody.
Ahem
Hear ye Hear ye
Oh that's not my job Why I'm the King
And don't you forget it You better know it
What I say goes
I ain't no pushover Fluke's the name Yes-King Fluke
Uh-huh-you better know it When you see me, you jump To my commands
Ah hah! Yes!
I am The Greatest! That's right
No one
I said No One
tells me what to do
They know they're messin with King Fluke The Greatest
You better know it! Weahl weahl weahl heer I aehm
Queen Sielga
queen of King Fluke eahnd wut uh fleuk
i eahm meahrried teu theaht breut eahnd yeud beahtter kneow it thaet's rait
he is the biggest . . . weahl
yeu kneow wut
hnoy o buoy o buoy h u t I due sey
wut uh schlump
he's always talcing thuh cuvers on his side 11eahver leaves me any
honestly
why i ever got married
heahven kneows
my mother told me not to
"he's a bum" she said
and i do declare, he is nother but a good for nother bum
Duh-here I am
Just a-walkin da dog
Everyday I walk da dog
"Alpert, walk da dog"
Dat's what dey tell me
Dey tell me ta walk da dog Ho I walk da dog
I mean dat's my job
I walk da dog in da morning
Sometimes I walk da dog in dee evening
And ya know once in a while I walk da dog in dee afternoon
If da missus is in a bad mood, I walk da dog aftuh breakfast , lunch an' dinnuh
Sa haddaya like dat, huh? Breakfast lunch an' dinnuh Me an' da dog
We gets along djust fine ya know
If I was ta get married
I think I'd marry da dog Uh hah hah
Haddaya like dat? Huh?
Hayyup
Hedges hedges \_hedges
All day long I trim hedges "Hutch-trim the hedges"
More like the voice of my conscience(?) Couldn't I find something better?
NO
I mean
I'm workin' fer royalty King and queen
ho ho ho Y'know---
Someone said that the woild's a stage and each must play a part
Maybe I shoulda went into Shakespeare Acting(?)
Y'know
I mighta made out Well, anyway
Here I am and I've been doing it for so long It's too late now
Nuthin' lcould do about it
Just can't wait 'til I gets me pension Ga ga goo goo gee ga ga
ga ga go gee gu ga ga ga
go gue gui ga ga gu ga go ga ga goo goo goo goo
ga ga ga ga
gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle gurgle ghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghgh bhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhhbhbhhb gurgle gurgle gurgle ga ga goo goo ghee ghee
goo goo googoogoogoogoogoogoogoogoogoogoogoogoogoogoogoogoogogoo ga ga ga ga ga ga ga gagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagagaga buhbuhbuh buhbuhbuh buhbuhbuh buhbuhbuh buhbuhbuh buhbuhbu
bhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhbhhbhbhb glak!
dpadehplmnospqurastvckzxumpnfhgnompadsnmf glakkaglakkaglakkaglakkaglakkaglakkaglakkaglakkaglakkaglakka mm mm mm
nnv nnv nnv
guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh googoo gaga googoo gaga googoo gaga googoo gaga googoo gaga googoo gheeghee googoo gheeghee googoo gheeghee googoo gheeghee googo googoo gogo googoo gogo googoo gogo googoo gogo googoo gogo goo
nga nga nga nga nga nga nga nga nga nga nga nga nga nga nga nga dada
mama
HEH HEH HEH •
I'm Algadem
And I'm the exicutionah So you betta watch out Cause I'll cut yer head off Heh heh heh
I cut anybody's head off when I walk down the street
people that I meet
grit each other's teeth and say ''Watchout!
'Woe!Woe! Here comes Algadem the exicutionah
Watch out or he'll cut off your head!
And they'd bettah believe too
Ijust love
Y'know whata love?---
Ilove the looks on the face as it rools to the ground
HAH HAH HAH
belly belly belly And I'm th meanest
ha ha
The toughest ho ho
The hornariest hombre to hit the south side of a toothpole belly belly belly
Ohh-
The kiddies are so wonderful It's just simply mahvelous Divine
They are always right up on their P's and Q's
I love them §2
Yessir
They sure know how to make an old woman feel good inside
I just love to see them dance and play and skip and hop and jump Ring Around the ROSEY?!!!
POCKETFUL OF POSEY!!!
Who said that? Who saidit?
Putem up
I just can't fil.ailli that game
It is subversive
It corrupts the youth Yet---
It is all right Isuppose in moderation But in excess---!!
Woe ho ho Bliiip Bliiip
Blip blip I'm fat blip blip
I've got a big red nose blip blip
I'm ugly
Boo-hoo-hoo
Children don't like me UhpardonmeletmeintroducemyselfimCastorOil I don't see why it should make them so upset
I don't bother anyone
f don't hurt anyone At least I don't try to
Yet I seem to bring them pain and grief Why oh why
Woe is me
I wish . . .
I wish . . .
Why couldn't I be made of stone, too blip
Da beach
Is a good place. I like da beach.
My mommy brings me here once in a while to go swimming But she never let's me go swimming
I just sit here and play wif my pale and shovel. I don't mind
I like it here It is nice
Mommy is getting a nice sun tan Matter of fact, so am I.
Mommy says if I dig deep enough I'll reach China. Oh boy oh boy oh boy
I can't wait
I just keep on digging Ching ching cho
ha ha ha dig dig dig
I wonder what it's like down there I wonder if they got slanted eyes
I wonder if they live in mud huts
I wonder if they eat with chopsticks. Darling Sammy
What a brat
Sometimes
But he's usually a good boy lxcept when he's a pest Then he's a bad boy
I'm trying to get some rest Peace and Quiet
Get nice sun tan Look good for Daddy
Little brat bothers me Makes noise
"Mommy could I go swimming Mommy could I get a hot dawg Mommy I could do this
Mommy could I do that What a pain"
Why don't he just be quiet Leave me alone
Can'tche see i'm sleepin'? So I tell 'im to dig a hole So he'll reach China •
Ha ha ha
lle'll fall asleep soon enough Whell whell whell
Step right up! Whell whell whell Step right up!
Really Big shoe!
Ladies and gentlemen!
Whaddaya know, Joe Would you believe . . . Rotten to the core
An apple a day Hmm . . .
Cut the bullshit
I know what I'm doing AndIlike it!
Here
Right here little boy kum here and knock the head offa the baby and win a turtle for ya mama
Or ya sista Or ya brudda
Aw, it don't matter What Isay
But Ilike it!
And don't you forget it! Ladies and gentlemen Step right up!
\chapter{III.}
And Queen Silga remained on top of King Fluke until he said uncle. ''Uncle! UNCAL!"
Hmph! she snorted, letting him up.
'Hmph!" he snorted, getting up. He started pointing his finger at her, saying ''Y'know . . ."but she started to put up her dukes so he let his arms just flap at the sides. ''Well dear," he said timidly. "Let's go back to sleep."
No answer. "Huh?"
No answer.
'Well, I'm goin' back ta sleep."
Ya think I'd go back ta sleep with you? . . .Ya think I'm crazy or sumthin'?
'Well no 1---"
I wouldn't go back to bed with you if ya paid me a million dollars! ''Well, 1---0KAY, ya wanna play ruff, hey? YA WANNA PLAY RUFF,
HEY?"
'Wha?"
Put up yer.dukes.
Oh YEAH--- POW-right in the kisser.
The king fell. In a second, the queen was on top of him. Tinctured Puncture.
Just kept on floating.
Watching over everything(?) I
Making sure(?)
A drunk old man walked down the street. ''Ahh ya mudda fucka go eat shit ya lame-brained lallapalooza shtang-bang yukk yukk---"And threw a stone through a nice old Jewish man's store window.
Hey, who do you think you are throwing a stone through my winda? Why you mother fucker go eat shit ya lame-brained lallapalooza shtang - bang yukk yukk!
'Wha---?"
Fist . . . Punch . . . yukk yukk
And the old drunk man threw the nice Jewish man through his own winda. Looked up. ''Wha . . .?" Saw
Tinctured standing there up straight and erect with his hand on his hips.
'Wha?"
Tinctured smiled.
The old man straightened his posture. ''What do you------Why . . .?" Tinctured smiled.
The old man smiled.
The nice Jewish man smiled.
Everyone smiled.
Shook hands
and came out of fighting.
Larry saw the boss outside the grocery store. "Say, ya need anybody to drive the truck?"
Hmm, uh aah, well . . .ya know how to drive a truck? ''Yup."
Stick-shift? ''Yup."
'Ya know how to deliver groceries?" ''Yup."
'Ya know the town?" ''Yup."
Okay. Ya want a job?
'Yup."
'You gottit."
Good.
'You'll start at \$1.35 an hour, full time six days a week, pension pending, good stockumohboy."
Good. Thank you.
Gina walked down the sidewalk. Tee-hee-hee.
She stopped at a window. Tee-hee-hee.
She stood there and watched, looking cute as ever.
The truck came a-rollin' down the road, just a-rollin' just as fast as ever. "Ho-ho-ho---do-dee-o-doe---dee-dee-da---" sang the driver.
Hey bay-bee! called the driver from the window. Gina looked.
'Tee-hee-hee." "Oh yeah?" ''Tee-hee-hee."
Larry opened the door and got out. He ran to where she was standing. "Come awn, bay-bee."
'Tee-hee-hee." "Oh YEAH?"
And he reached out to grab her but she ran away. He followed her and
almost caught her when her bells' bottoms expanded and she started flying.
'Wha?" hands on his hips. Scratch on his head. ''Why I ain't never." And Gina just,flew.
'Tee-hee-hee."
The lonesome temple. Church pews.
Doors are always open.
Inside, the Lonesome Stranger sat. His expressionless face, with a dash of Mona Lisa Mouth, looked straight ahead and up.
He knelt. His hands together in front. His lips moving delicately. buhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuh
Eyes closed. Prayers astonished. Sat for hours. (Floated out).
Uncle. UNCAL! cried the king as the queen pinned him to the ground. "Okay okay," he said breathless. "No moah! No moah!"
YA GONNA STOP? shrieked Queen Silga. "Uh, glub glub."
HUH?
Oh no! ''UUUUUHH!''
Yes! Yes! YESS!!!!!
Okay, ya dumb shmeggegy. She got off and let him up. ":And no more back talk!"
Yes darling.
Now I'm going to sit on the Throness. Do you hear me? "Yes dear.."
'Well, are you coming?"
I'll be there in a little while dear. I just gotta take a shower. "Okay, I'll be out on the Throness. You better be out soon." "Okay, okay."
'What?" "Yes dear."
She walked out for a hard day of sitting on the throness. ''Whew!" said King Fluke as he wiped his brow.
Gina landed in an alley. ''My," she wondered. "How did that happen?" Hhe thought, but I came out in cute little giggles. She looked down. Wiggled her tiny toes. "Tee-hee-hee." (She looked up and wiggled her little nose. "Tee-hee-hee.") She looked around her and began to dance. 'Teehee-hee." She twirled around and around. A little faster and then a little faster. Round and round she went, faster and faster until she rose into the air. She stopped and descended. 'Tee-hee-hee." (Hey waitaminnit. lladdidthat happen?) She looked at her waist. She looked at her feet. She looked at her bells. (No). (Couldn't be). She kicked. (Blip). She kicked ngain. (Bliiip) She kicked again (Bliiip-fleeew) and flew up into the air (Yup-it was the bellbottoms)and flew happy, the only girl in the world with flying bellbottoms. "Ha-ha-ha." She laughed with joy.
Tinctured Puncture. Floated. Home.
On his way he remembered when he had gotten his first epileptic fit in public as a child and lost all his friends. For a while he had been incapable of normal human attributes, unable to communicate, unable to travel, unable to live. Then he had found dat man upstairs, and He was his only friend.
\bigskip
Every-body
needs some-body
to love-love-love
He had not seen his family for many years. He floated right into the house. Mother was in the kitchen peeling potatoes. He stood behind her and watched. "Outta my way," she said.
mmmm---
'What?" she looked around. ''Why---Tincutred!" she exclaimed. "Ed--Tinctured is home."
'What, Martha?" Father entered the kitchen. "Did I hear you say---" he stopped short. 'Tinctured!---What are you------?---Good to see you, m'boy. Good to see you." Father shook his hand.
Mother just stared. ''That's my boy. Big and strong. Look how well he looks, Ed. Go into the living room. Make him a drink."
Tinctured stood with his Mona Lisa smile and said "mmmmm---"
"Well," said Father as he crossed his legs and sat back in his easy chair.
"mmm---" replied Tinctured.
'My son, my son. Tell me about yourself."
Shrug shoulders.
Did you have a good time?
"mmm---"
Good. Good.---Did you miss us?
"mmm---"
Good. Good.---Did you do anything interesting?
"mmm---"
Good. Good.---Did you see anything you liked?
"mmm---"
Good. Good.---Did you go swimming? ''Mmm---"
Good. Good.
Ed------How's the boy? called the kitchen.
Good. Good.------Now son. Your sister's coming down soon. You wait and see. She's so beautiful. Ya know, I think---Oh! Here she comes now!
'The stairs stepped. "Step-step." And a pretty long-blonde-haired girl stepped downb from the stairs and she was Susan, the sister of Tintured Puncture. ''Mom, when's dinner gonna be ready?"
In a while, dear.
Susan stepped into the living room. ''Bye, Dad. I'm going skiing." She turned to go.
Susan, said Father. "Did you see who's here?"
She turned back, looked, and saw. "Is that my---Oh my!" She ran toward him with a big smile on her mouth. "Howdy bruddah!" She waved
her hand and stood up straight and erect. Stared him in the face waiting for the frantic reply that was to match her evervescent startle.
mmmmm . . . was the reply. "She sat down. "How are you?" "mmm---"
Oh. There was a little bit of silence.
Father broke in. ''Tinctured had agood time and wants to go back and saw
II lot of things he liked and went swimming." "Oh." Susan stared a little. "Really, Tinctured?" "mmm . . ."
Just what do you mean, Tinctured?
mmm . . . Tinctured continued his Mona Lisa smile. Very content.
Well, spit it out, boy!
"mmm . . ."
You got big ears!
"mmm . . ."
Now now, said Father. ''That's not nice." "But he can't say anything, Daddy?"
Of course. Can't you Tinctured?
"mmm . . ."
'Watsamattawityou, Tinctured?"
"mmm . . ."
Daddy! He's dumb!
"mmm . . ."
Martha! The boy can't talk! ''Wot!?"
'The boy can't talk!" Mother entered. "He can!"
He can't!
He can!
He can't!
He can't, Mommy!
mmm . . .
Oh yes he can! She went into the kitchen and came out with some potatoes. ''Tinctured. Ya want some potatoes?"
"mmm . . ."
She held the plate in front of him. His hand went out. She took it away. "Say 'I want potatoes'."
"mmm . . ."
'I want potatoes'.
"mmm . . ."
It's amazing! ''He can't talk!"
He's DUMB!
"mmm . . ."
King Fluke took off his pants. He gathered his soap and towel and putemontherack. Wiggled toes. He stepped into the shower.
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss "aaaaahh," he smiled.
RELAXTION. ARREST. CONCILIATION.
(good)
And he wiggled his toes and stepped out. Drying off his towel and do the twist.
And King Fluke was putting on his pants.
"A-ve, Ma-ri-hi-ah . . ."
And got dressed.
when all of a sudden he heard--
"GOBBLE-GOBBLE-GOBBLE"
and
"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! "
andheranoutjustasfastashislittlelegswouldcarryhim and saw the legs of Cueen Silga justakickin as the Throness gobbled her up in one fell swoop.
"GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU CAN ACT LIKE A GENTLEMEN AND BE PART OF THE FAMILY AND
ACT CIVIL WITH YOUR PARENTS! said Father in a disturbing voice. ""Yeah, ya big stupid dumb,"" added Susan."
My boy! cried Mother. ''Where have we failed, Ed?"
Tinctured exited from the house and strolled slowly on a sidewalk. l•'elt lonely.
Looked downward. Onto hard pavement. No one. Else. In the world. Maybe.
And remembering when he had lost his peers after the first epileptic fit.
He kind of stumbled. Downward. Now who was left?
He stopped. Looked up. Smiled. At his Lord. ''Well, I guess it's just you
And me, old buddie," he thought. And started to float.
Get me my advisor! order the King after witnessing the tragedy. He 11lood for a moment of silence.
"At your service, sire," saluted the advisor.
"Advisor?"
"Yes, sire."
"Look.---What should I do?"
"Just what has transpired, sire?"
Why---the Throness has gobbled up the queen in one fell swoop! "Oh my!"
"And I don't know what to do. What should I do? Shall I mourn her loss forevermore?---By the queaths of Sanantobar Quitallia, I shall have her back!---Shall I not, good advisor?
''Thou mayest speakest truest, 0 noble king. ""Howest mayest thist beest donest?"""
'There art tongue spokest, Your Majesty Sir, of a man in the outside land-"
'A normal Lay Man."
'Yessah .---I mean, yes Your Majesty. He is spoken of as only good. He is notably good, sire."
And from where does he hail?"
From whence he came, I cannnot tell, but wherever he is needed most, chances are that there he shall be.
Really?
'Yup."
Good advisor. ''Yessah."
Go out and find this---this--- ''Tintured Puncture, the blessed one."
'Yes. Tinctured Puncture. Go out and seek him and find him and ask him if he can come back with you and bring me back my queen."
'Yes sire. It shall be done. Your Majesty." "Good."
And the good advisor went out in search of Tinctured Puncture
And Sammy kept digging deeper and deeper and pretty soon all the bathers went home because the sun went down and it was night but Sammy just kept digging.
And Larry drove his truck 'cause he was so happy in his truck and loved to shift from first to second to third down to second and delivered the groceries. He'd slam on the brakes, pull up on the emergency, take a last sip from his can of beer, fly open the door while throwing the can on the street, run around to the side of the truck, pull down on the handle and open the side panel in one swift motion, search for the appropriate
box, find it, grab it, prop it up on his shoulder, walk to the back door of Ihe house, drop the box on the "welcome" mat, ring the doorbell, wait for 1m answer, and say "Hello, groceries" with a smile on his face.
Come right in, said the lady.
He picked up the box and entered into the kitchen. "Put it right down there, boy."
'Ugh."
Here.And she handed him a quarter. ''Thank you." He walked out. "Goodbye." "Goodbye ."
And went to the truck, closed the side panel and handle in one swift motion, ran and sat back in the driver's seat, shifted into first, opened up another can of beer, and drove away, singing "doe dee o doe" as he rode.
And the good advisor Herbie went forth into the outside world in Hcarch of the one called Tinctured Puncture. He searched up and down, 1111 around. He went east. He went west. He went north and south. He rhecked the city, the country; the towns, the counties, the states, the counIries, the nations, the girls, the boys, the pigs and ducks and geese, the I alamazoo zonkinpups, and . . .
he saw a flying object---up in the sky---was it a bird---was it a plane-
-No! It was the girl called Gina and her Flying Bellbottoms. He saw and watched and cooed and pursued. "Hey," he called.
"l'ee hee hee," was.the answer. She landed in front of him. "!low do you do that?"
"fee hee hee," and she pointed to her bells' botoms. "What?" he asked, amazed.
I!er bells puffed up and she flew away.
"I must tell the King!" were his exact words.
Tinctured Puncture. Just floating. Around. A man to be stabbed, murdered in cold blood. Stopped, saved, and his pursuer cured. Such things happened at a beckoning of Tinctured. So he floated. All day long. In a bubble of well-being.
Tinctured! cried the man as he ran. "Tinctured Puncture!" and the good advisor approached him.
mmm . . .
'Tragedy has struck the Kingdom of Alegadonia!" "mmm . . ."
The King is in need of your help!
"mmm . . ."
'The Throness has eaten the Queen!"
"mmm . . ."
Would you follow me back to the Kingdom? Could you please get her back?
"mmm . . ."
Good. Thank you. Thank you very much. The King will be most gracious unto you, dear Tinctured.
"mmm . . ."
Le's go!
And they went forth to the Kingdom.
Where the King sat waiting on the Throne, once in a while glancing at the Throness with an empty, longing desire. He bacame bored after awhile, and rested his chin upon his hand which was upon his forearm which was upon his elbow whih was up the arm of the Throne. Hours later, the good advisor Herbie ran into the room with news. "King Fluke! King Fluke!"
Whattissit? WhattISit? "Good news---Good NEWS!"
'What!? What?! . . . Did you find that . . . that blessed one, Tinctured Puncture?"
Sho' did! He's waiting outside . . . But wait 'til you hear what I found! "Enough of your dribble. Go bring him in."
But wait 'til you hear . . .
Oh shut up! "But . . ."
Aa . . .
Magic Pants!
I said . . . what did you say magic pants?
Herbie nodded, a smile cracked across his face. Bit his lower lip. ''What do you mean magic pants?"
Well, whilst I was out in search of the Blessed One, I stumbled across a sight unearthly in its expectations."
Yes, said the king eagerly.
A sight beholding to human eyes. "Yes yes! Whatissit already?"
A girl . . .
"
u
U
U"
with hair like a pixie---straw like a bone . . . teeth like pearls . . . "So?"
so then, kind sir, she was wearing bellbottoms. "Bellbottoms?"
'Yes, bellbottoms!" 'Wow! . . . Golly gee!"
. . . and was being chased by the big bad truckdriver! ''Truckdriver?"
'Yes, truckdriver!" "Did he catch her?" "No!"
No?
No! She flew away! ''What?! . . . . . No!"
'Yes!"
No! No!
'Yes! Yes!"
'And how did she do it?"
It puzzles me too, kind sir, but I think that the power lies in her bellbottoms.
'Bellbottoms?" ''Yes, bellbottoms."
'Truly, this is most amazing. Ifit be so, I must have them. I must . . ."Just
then Tintured floated in. "Oh, Hi."
mmm . . . Tinctured faced the king closely, as the king stood up and dissed his hand.
'Well, the problem at hand is that Queen Silga, (my wife), has been eaten by the Throness." He pointed to the big chair. Tinctured looked. ''Well, do you think you can do anything about it?"
Tinctured nodded. He put up one finger to signify "No problem. Just a minute." Then he motioned for all of the courtiers and attendants to please leave the room. Then he approached the Throness head-on and stared her right in the eye. ''Mmmmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhh" he chanted. His hands made motions like a magician as he said the magic words.
'hmmmmmhmmmmmhmmmmh mhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm
hmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhmh•m
and he stepped up to her and put his hand down her throat.
Cries of ''Aaarrgghh" were heard and "elbbog elbbog elbbog" and screams and loud shrieks which were almost deafening (as the king held his hand over his ears) and after awhile a pair of legs appeared struggling, flailing up and down, back and forth, and, as the king said, they belonged to the queen because he "could recognize those legs anywhere." And, slowly but surely, the queen was a-born from the pit of shrieking throness. And she was whole. And she was tired.
'Ugh." And she kissed the hand of Tinctured Punctured. And she bowed. And he bowed. And the king bowed. And Herbie bowed. And everyone bowed until their heads were knocked together (except Tintured's). And Tinctured floated from the room.
And the queen stood up straight and erect: A proud woman: a woman Lo be proud of: QUEEN SILGA! ''Why I've never been so humiliated in all my life!"She turned to the king and wiggled her index finger at him. ''And you! It's all your fault! If you hadn't taken your shower . . ."
'But dear . . ."
. . . and taken your precious time about it! But no! You had to have your goddam shower! You and your shower! I should've had my head examined before I married you! Why, I should . . .
The king bent over to Herbie and whispered in his ear, "Go get the girl with the flying bellbottoms! I must have those bellbottoms! Do you hear? Imust!"
Yes sir!
'And don't come back without them!" "Yes sir!"
'AND ANOTHER THING
YA GODDAM KING."
The queen went on and on like this, once in a while slapping King Fluke across his face.
Larry really liked his job. He really did. At first it was kind of hard because he didn't know the streets too well and it took him a long time to deliver the groceries, but the boss understood this and after a few days he proved to be very efficient.
The boss told him that he could have beers on the house if he wanted to so Larry went into the back and got a can before each run. At first, it was an adventurous and exciting thing to drink beer during the day like Ihat, but after a while, it got to be fun habit and he drank beer with his afternoon meals, snacks, and on the truck.
Riding around all day. So he would talk to himself. And sometimes the
groceries. And would sing. And pound on the steering wheel. And liked his voice. And liked singing.
And Larry drove in his truck all day delivering groceries, drinking beer, and singing at the top of his lungs, sometimes screaming real soulful, and really digging it, so all the world could hear.
The good advisor Herbie went forth in quest of the girl with the flying hcllbottoms. He started walking east, but to no avail. So he walked west.
And then south. And, last but not least, north. But however far he went, whence did the traveling commence thickest, he could not find even a trace of the fair lass.
'Ach!" he cried in surrender. ''Time for a rest ." So he went into the neighborhood bar of the north and ordered a beer. He drank. His beer. And enjoyed it. ''Ah," he licked his lips. "Hey Mac."
'Yeah bud?"
Gimme anuddah beeah! He got his uddah beeah and drank it. And enjoyed it. "Hey, Mac!"
'Yeah bud?"
'You seen a girl with flyin' pants flyin' around?"
No bud, answered the bartender suddenly looking concerned. ''What's she look like?" The other men started coming and looking over at the two.
'Well," continued Herbie. "She has short, dark hair like a pixie . . ." "Oh yeah? Like a pixie, huh?"
'Why I'm the king's advisor!"
'Yeah? . . . And I'm Santy Claus! So there!" And the bartender said "Now get out! . . ." (kick): boooiiiiinnggg(!!!) ''And stay out!" with his fist shaking threateningly from a bent elbow.
And Herbie's fist returning the gesture. And was on his merry way.
So the truck just come-on a-rollin' down de hill and Larry, the driver, was just a-singin' his cares away. "La la dee o doe---"
And Herbie was dejectedly strolling down the road kicking a pebble when he heard the merry melodies coming down the hill. He wved it to a stop. "Stop!"And it stopped.
Howdy doody o doe
Can ya tell me . . .
It's a won-der-ful day . . .
'Where I can find . . ."
For walkin' . . .
'The girl with the . . ."
'Yeah. and she's about so high . . ."
Oh yeah? and what about these flying pants? He winked at the other guys, who started giggling a little.
'Well, she's wearing big bellbottoms. Y'know, the kind that fit her tight at the waist and gradually become looser until they go way way out at the
Hmm . . .
Can ya please help me out?
It's a won-der-ful day
"For talkin' . . .
''And I-love-you . . .
My melancholly bay-bee . . ."
bottom." "Oh yeah?"
'Yeah."
Oh YEAH?
Larry was out of the truck, dancing on his tiptoes. ''Well," said Herbie. "If
ya can't beat 'em, join'em." So Herbie started dancing, and singing along. And they both sang:
o doe dee o doe la la la la la
arm in arm.
'YEAH!"
Hey, said one of the guys. "I'd like ta see dis broad."
The guys laughed. In a few minutes they were showing him to the door.
'Wait a minute! WAIT A MINUTE!" Herbie cried. "Do you know who I am?"
holding hands. and dancing.
la la lee lo
dadada o doe
one-two-three-kick(!) one-two-three-kick(!) hahaha
'Yeah . . . A nut!"
(ha-ha-ha)
you got it baby!
And they stopped but Larry kept tapping lightly as Herbie asked, "Can you tell me when I can find the girl with the flying bellbottoms?"
Oh a stately mountain high? in a low, deep, Elvis Presley type voice.
Deep in the heart of the Rockies?
'And they called her Gi-na
and what else could they call her but Gi-na.
Cause a girl by any other name could not be called Gi-na.
and she hails on a stately Mountain high
deep in the heart of the Rock-ees" "U-uh-huh"
A-wella-wella-yeah!
her nose. Then a bell rang and they went back to their natural positions in the Throne Room.
Hear ye, hear ye, called the crier. ''Announcing: The good advisor, Herbie!"
A drum roll.
Herbie entered. "Your majesty kind sir King Fluke." ''Yehhhsssss?"
I have her! The great girl with the flying bellbottoms!
Well, bring her in!"
'Yessir!"He went out and came in with Gina. "Here she is, your majesty. Gina!"
throwing his arms out in a deep southern "Mammy!" (Man, this guy's got
talent!)
Thank you!
"Dat's awwlll-----
right!"
Thank you very much! And Herbie started running for the Rockies.
The excution chamber lay in back of a big wall just behind the Throne and Throness. All day long Algadem, the executioner sat in his chamber waiting for someone to execute.
Now he sat quietly, reading a very dirty book. His eyes popped and his tongue hung out as he panted feverishly while reading about a girl taking off her clothes or heads rolling down a hillside or something like that.
Once in a while he blinked his eyes in disbelief, sometimes rubbing his belly and occasionally masturbating. "Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-" he panted like a dog that was out of breath. "Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy." He outstretched his arms as if he was hugging someone. "Ahh, can't wait!" he exclaimed.
Quickly he thumbed the pages, anxiously reading the next. "Cut off his balls!" he cheered. "Cut off his BALLS ya lamebrained gadembang!" He read further, alittle disappointed. "Oh," he grunted. "Well, if it was me, I woulda cut off his balls."
The king was in the counting house, counting all his money.The queen was in the parlor, eating bread and honey. The maid was in the garden hanging out the clothes, when along came a blackbird, and snapped off
Tee-hee-hee.
Well, I'll be doggone. She is but a child, Herbert!" ''Yes,Iknow. But she flies like a bird!"
Oh yeah?
'Yeah."
Oh YEAH?!
'Yeah."
Aha ha ha. She flies like a bird, huh? ''Yup."
Ah don' believe it. 'Well---wanna see?"
'Yes, please."
Okay . . . Gina?
Tee-hee-hee. "Gina?"
Tee-hee-hee.
Fly like a bird for the king, huh? Tee-hee-hee."
Okay?
'Tee-hee-hee."
'Aw," said the gruff old king. "She is but a child. Why do you waste my time with such nonsense?"
Just then horny Algadem came a-runnin' out with a butcher knife yelling ''A victim! A victim! Aha!!And he ran toward Gina yelling "I'm-agonnoo cut offa yer head!"
Somebody screamed. Gina stood calmly giggling with her hand cupped over her mouth. When Algadem was within an arm's reach, she rose into the air. He tried to jump but she flew too high.
Fantastic! remarked the King. "Remarkable!" remarked a courtier.
'Mahvelous! Simply mahvelous!"remarked the queen.
'Why, I must have a pair. I just illl!.fil! Fluke dear, ask her where she got them."
'Yes dear.---Algadem, go back to your chamber!"
Algadem stop chasing and said in a low, dejected tone, ''Yes your majesty." "Right now!"
Algadem ran back into the execution chamber.
Now, my dear, said the king in a mild, friendly tone. ''The queen would like to know where you got those magnificent bell-bottoms."
'Tee-hee-hee."
The king's face turned a little red."Really now," he continued. "She would like a pair. Where can she get some?
'Tee-hee-hee."
CHmph, the king coughed. "Now listen, you little whipper-snapper, where can we get a pair?
Herbie interrupted at this point. "I'm afraid, sir, that this is the only pair of its kind in the world."
'What!?---Oh, really?---Whell, I must have the,.---Gina, darling, what do you want for them?"
'Tee-hee-hee."
I'll give you anything--- "Tee-hee-hee." "ANYTHING!"
'Tee-hee-hee."
A hundred dollars? ''Tee-hee-hee."
'A Thousand dollars? "Tee-hee-hee."
'A Million dolh1rs?" ''Tee-hee-hee."
'My Throne!" ''Tee-hee-hee." ''My QUEEN!"
'TEE-hee-hee."
Fluke! broke in the queen. ''This is most outrageous!" Why, I've never been so humiliated in all my life!" She changed her tone and turned to Gina. "Gina dahling. May I pleahs have those mahvelous bell-bottoms, my dear?"
'TEE-HEE-HEE."
'What! Why, this is most embarrassing! To be laughed at by a child! Fluke, I demand she be punished!"
'Yes dear------Gina, you have humiliated both the queen and my self. Now, for the last time, may we have your bell-bottoms?"
'Tee-hee-hee."
Okay! That does it! He cupped his hands over his mouth and called, ''ALGADEM! COME!"
And Algadem, the executioner, scooted out as fast as his little legs would carry him. ''Yes sire," he saluted.
'This girl is to be executed!"
'YES SIRE!!--Public or private, your majesty."
'Um, um," the king thought. "Public!" ordered the queen. "Public!" said the king.
Algadem went back to his chamber and brought out the buzz-saw and log.
Sammy was a little boy who was very determined to see what China was like in all his childlike curiosity. He had never been so far away from home without his mommy. He had never been so far away from his mommy.
And it looked like he was really gonna make it because now he was in the center of the earth and if he could read he would have known that he was in the center because he encountered a good sized yellow ball which lighted up in all different colors and spelled in neon letters "CENTER" and burned when he touched it but Sammy didn't know the difference so he said "god" and kept right on digging.
Heh heh heh, snickered Algadem as he put the log on the buzz-saw and took out the rope. "Heh heh heh," he beckoned Gina, wiggling his finger.
'Tee-hee-hee."
Then he growled ."Grrrr."
Now, the king. "Iffen you don't give me dose bell-bot-toms I'm a-gonna saw you-all in half!"
'Tee-hee-hee."
And then he(Algadem) grabbed her! And then---
And then---
And then---
And then--- And then---
Heh-heh
(''Tee-hee-hee .")
he tied 'er up!
he put her on da log wit' da back of her head facing da blade!
he turned on the buzz saw!
Wella-wella-yeah! ---" sang Larry as he raced along the road at 80 she he could finish up and get home early. He pulled intot the big house of Mr. Mackelblatt, the rich executive who was never home because he was too rich to be.
"Wella-wella-yeah-and-a-oh-yeah . . ." sang Larry as he opened the panel of the truck and took out the groceries and brought them to the kitchen door. ''And I love you, my melancholy bay-bee."
And the door opened and the maid said "Oh, bring it raht on in and put it on the counta ."
And Larry did her bidding while he sang "Oh rose sweet rose and a rose by any other name could not be called rose . . ." and who should be standing there in his jockey shorts and Italian undershirt puffing on a big, expensive, imported cigar but Mr. Mackelblatt himself. It was Saturday! "Hi," said Larry meekly as he started toward the door.
Hah, keeahd, replied Mr. Mackelblatt. "Jest a minute, keeahd, Where'd ya think you're goin'?"
Huh? Did I do anything wrong? I didn't do anything! Really! "Oh no, keeahd . . . Sing that again. Sing Melancholy Baby."
Larry's eyes went into the air a little embarrassed as he started singing. ''And I love you, my melancholy bay-bee."
Beautiful! BEEautiful! cried Mr. Mackelblatt as he stepped toward the boy.
'Thank you, Mr. Mackelblatt," said the smiling boy.
Oh, just call me Manny. ''Thank you, Manny."?
'Why boy, • • •hayyup! I'm Manny Mackelblatt! I own Mackel Records!" "Really?"
Yup • • •I'm gonna make you a star! . . . You stick with me keeahd and you'll hit the big time! . . . Okay? ' '
Okay!
and Gina lay on her back tied to the log as the buzz saw spun around and around and Algadem rubbed his hands together in front of him with an evil grin and laughed "heh-heh-heh" and King Fluke and Queen Silga stared blankly straight ahead.
All was peaceful in Heaven as God mused and looked down upon all this 11nd stroked his beard and said "Hmm."
and Gina giggled ''Tee-hee-hee" as the buzz saw spun around and around and the king asked one last time "Well, can we have them?" but Gina giggle and the log made its first contact with the buzz-saw (bzzzzZZZZZZZ) (TEE-HEE-HEE) and Queen Silga said "Oh, this is disgusting," and told Algadem to get this "Little monster" out of her sight so Algadem took the log, buzz-saw, and Gina kit and kaboodle in back to his chamber where it continued turning and Gina's head kept getting closer and closer to the blade (''Tee-hee-hee.")
Everything was peaceful and quiet in Old Auburndale. The girls of the c-horus stood on the side of the brown dirt road and sang cowboy-striding music: da da dum da-da da dum da-da---dadadada,
while cowboys strode down the street.
What a place!
The girls showed their knees. Mustaches wiggled. "WooWeeee!!"
Wow!!"
Va Va Va Voooom!!
And that's just a sample of what you'll see inside, called Nasal Tone as he wiggled his own cotton-pickin' mustache. "Yessir! Step right up! Step right up!"
And everyone piled into the saloon. "Glubba blubba glubba."
Hubba hubba hubba.
(Black Bart made himself comfortable).
They all sang and danced and got roaring drunk and partied for days.
And Gina giggled ''Tee-hee-hee" as her head got closer to the blade.
God mused. "Hmm."
And Gina giggled "Tee-hee-hee" as her head got even closer to the blade.
Tinctured just floated. Around. Inkind of a bored daze.
And Gina giggled ''Tee-hee-hee" as her head got even CLOSER to the blade.
PEOPLE OF CHINA-UNITE. And they did. The other day."Ching Chong Cho-Ching Chong Cho-Cho." And now they just run around chasing each other with butcher knives.
And Gina giggled "Tee-hee-hee" as her head got EVEN CLOSER to the blade.
And Sammy just kept digging. "Oh boy oh boy oh boy," he said.
And Gina giggled "Tee-hee-hee" as her head got EVEN CLOSER to the blade.
l•:veryone was happy and contented and drunk in Old Auburndale.
And Gina giggled ''Tee-hee-hee" as her head got EVEN CLOSER to the blade.
I ,any whistled his way into the recording studio, got up to the microphone, and sang ''You Ain't Nothin' But A Houng Dog."
And Gina giggled ''TEE-HEE-HEE" as her head got EVEN CLOSER to the blade.
l 'i nctured Puncture. Turned slowly. Heard something. What? Well,. I \textbackslash{}pcame concerned.
And Gina just giggled as her head got even ever so close to that rotating blade.
\chapter{IV.}
The footsteps were steady. No flaw in their rhythm. The man moved lowly but surely, although not too slowly. If one was to dismiss his feet from the picture, he would have appeared to be floating, but the steps made a noise-a nice noise-a sure solid noise. From the back he was tall, durk and handsome. He kept walking determinedly until he came to the 1'1rst gate. The two guards had their blades crisscrossed in front of him. At first, they looked confused as to what to do, but after a little while, I hey uncrossed the blades and the man continued through. When he rnme to the next gate, the guards, just as the ones before them, were confused, but it took less time for them to uncross their blades and let him I hrough. At the next gate, they automatically uncrossed their blades so I hat he did not have to even stop, and he continued down the long corridor, keeping the steady "Step-step" and the superfluous motion that was his. At each gate, the guards just let him through though there was still
nn attitude of puzzlement about them. The man kept walking. Steady. Never falling behind in his following cadence. The air was completely 11i lent all the way, except for the footsteps.
Upon arriving at the last gate, the guards, with their double blades, d id not uncross them. He stood still for a minute and all motion was haltI'd. The guards themselves looked very puzzled, but kept their swords in position. Then came the affirmative nod from inside and the man was permitted to enter. Up went the blades and in walked the man to the large palace throne room.
The room was immense. He kept the steady beat of his walk as all eyes followed him, step by step, inch by inch, to where sat the king and queen. I L was a slow walk, as compared to the size of the room.
He finally reached them and stopped before the majesties perfectly H lill. He just stared and they stared. Everyone in the palace stared, and I he puzzlement overbounded in the air from everyone except the tall, dark, and handsome man. Was he to kneel?
l•'.veryone waited.
Silence
hung like a stench from a well.
And suddenly the man pulled out a machine gun and "rattatattaratta rattatattarattatatta rattatattarattatattarattatattarattatattarattatatta rattatattarattatattarattatattarattatattarattatattarattatattarattata" shot shot down everyone in the palace.
'Unnnnhhhh" they fell forward in silent death.
Weehhll
You ain't a-nev-vah caught a rabbit
and you ain't no friend of mine
And he went behind the throne and untied the girl from the dead buzzsaw, took her in his arms, and steadily "step-step" walked out of the throne room among dead.
Bloddy bodies, down the long silent corridor. "Step . . .step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .
step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .
step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .
step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .
step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .
step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . . step . . .step . . ."
And from behind a wall peeped two innocent eyes. They followed his exit, and slowly, a child emerged. He walked warily into the middle of the room, looked around, and motioned for the others to follow.
A group of about fifteen children pranced into the middle and made a circle. They all joined hands and began to go around. And around they went when after the end of final hesitations, they began to sing:
Ring Around the Ro-sey Pocket-ful of Posey
Ash-es Ash-es
All fall down!
'Yep," said Mr. Mackelblatt from behind the double glass sound-proof room. ''That's my boy!" and he puffed on his cigar as Larry sang.
You ain't no-thin but a hound-dog
a-just-cryin' all da time
And Larry was a little meek at first but started to get into it.
You ain't a-nuth-in but a hound-a dogg-a a-just a-cryin all da time
And put some feeling into it.
And started moving his knees.
a-wella-wella yeah
And his hips.
Grrrrrhhhhh And screamed like a madman.
AAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHH
And Moved, baby, I mean moved!
Perfect! Yelled Manny Mackelblatt as he ran out. ''That's it! That's a t ake!-----Boy, you'se goin' places!"
And the song ''You Ain't nothin' but a Hound Dog'' became a tune whist led on the lips of everyone throughout the world. The name Larry Prescott bounded into the lips and minds of people everywhere.
Girls thought of nothing but the famed sensations. Glory abounded from nil sides.
His records became the biggest sellers of all time. They even sold records of him going ''Uuuuuuuuuu" for a dollar.
Boyfriends became jealous, but admired the shining youth for his vim nod vigor.
He was hired to sing at record hops, and each time he sang, he moved, baby, I mean moved! And everytime he moved, he wiggled his hips. Girls Hcreamed very loud and orgiastically when he did this, and fainted in large quantities when he sneered and went in a low, harsh voice, "Awwwwww" and he absolutely sent them out of their minds, but as time went on, his name was too expensive for just little ol' record hops so he Just did big record hops and then bigger record hops and finally only biggest record hops until he cost so much money (\$1,000,000 for a smile)
t hat no one could afford him anymore and he stopped singing publicly, nlthough he enjoyed walking down the street and having all the girls
chase him and scream over him.
Then one day, as he was bathing in his green bills, Mr. Mackelblatt walked in with the news. "Larry baby," he said. ''You're going on coast-tocoast television!"
Really?
'Yup! Really! The network has offered two billion dollars for you to do 'Uuuuuu' and 'Awwwww' and sing 'You Ain't Nothin' But A Hound Dog' !"
Gee, that's great! "Good!"
Good! When do I start?
And the big night came when a Larry-starved world was going to see their idol. People's mouth watered . Girls shivered in rapturous delight at the thought.
And backstage, preparations were intact. A knock at the door."Come in." "Hey keead," said Mr. Mackelblatt as he entered the dressing room.
Hi, Manny. What's up? ''Y'all set?"
'Yup."
Good. There's just one thing. "Okay . . . shoot."
It's been requested by the censors--- ''Yeah,---"
'Well, you know you're gonna be on network television." ''Yup."
'Well, there might be kids watching---so anyway, they don't want you to wiggle your hips."
Larry was taken aback. "Don't want me to wiggle my hips?" "Or your knees."
Or my knees?!
Sorry, keeahd. I did the best I could. "I know, Manny. I know."
llut look at it this way, keeahd. They're payin' ya two billion dollars. Yeah, that's right .---But I don' know about this."
Well, Will ya try?
Yeah . . . but it's gonna be hard."
Okay. Just remember, two billion dollars. ' Yup ."
l'RESCOTT-YOU'RE ON
A nd Larry walked slowly to the door. Lights from flash cameras flashed
HH he opened it, and continued over the stage as people tried to touch him.
AND HERE HE IS NOW
Remember, said a producer. "No wiggling."
"Yes sir."
LARRY PRESCOTT
YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH
The screams wee deafening. Maybe fifteen minutes later, the place was 11i lent as Larry stood up straight and motionless, arms hanging at his 11ides.
They all waited.
The world waited.
You could hear a pin drop.
The his mouth opened slowly. Screams started from the back. A little wider. A littler wider.
And finally ''Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu"
AAARRRRGGGHHH
Then
AARRGGHH ARGH
AAARRRGGGHHH
and the girls really flipped.
Awwwwwwwwww''
ARGH-ARGH-ARGH-ARGH
(pant-pant-pant-pant-pant)
Girls screamed and fell and ran up to the stage to be met by policemen barricades and all over the world in every living room people were watching and hearing The Voice and people even walking the streets heard The Voice and reacted and Manny sat back and smiled and chewed gum.
And now stillness reigned supreme. Larry stood still-waited for the reactions to die their last. The big number was coming up and everyone knew it. He took one last glance off stage at Manny who just smiled a three-ring encouragement.
Larry faced his public. He took a deep breath . Everyone across the face of the globe took a deep breath.
And here it went, like plummeting down the first hill on a giant roller coaster, he screamed:
YOU AIN'T NUTHING BUT A HOUN DAWG
A-JUST A-CRYIN ALL DA TIME
And even a hermit couldn't help but hear The Voice, and the joy of the world as it carried it message across continents.
The studio was a sight not to be believed. It was the center of the world.
(Some older people looked at this on their television screens and started
Io say ''This is ghastly! An abomination!)
YOU HAIN'T NEVER CAUGHT A RABBIT
AND YOU HAIN'T A-NO FRIEND OF MINE!!!!!
and then he stopped.
the world stopped.
Ile spoke:
AH-AH CAIN'T HE'P IT! AH JUS' CAIN'T HE'P IT! AH GOTTA MOVE!
AH JUS' GOTTA MOVE!!!!!
And the knees just started a-wiggling. And the hips started wiggling. Round and around went his knees, and he moved, and baby, I mean he really moved! And through all the sweat of his brow, a contented smile broke out all across his face as he sang:
WEEEEEELLLLLLLLLL
THEY SAID A-YOU \textbackslash{}VERE HAR CLACE BUT DAT WAS JUST A LAH
Thunderous beat underbounding. This drove people to the floor. Girls fainted. The world drove crazy. (Even the older people smiled red-faced).
Stop it!--STOP IT!! Ordered the producer. "What? Said an engineer. ''We can't stop this!" "Well then don't show his hips!"
Ho the picture fizzled for a few seconds and all that could be seen from t hen on was Larry Prescott from the waist up as he finished.
YOU HAIN'T NEVAH CAUGHT A RABBIT
YOU HAIN'T NO FRIEND OF MINE
dada dada dada dadada
The lawyer's office. It was full of books on shelves. And in the middle had a big table.
Ladies first-so in walked Esther the nurse, holding Baby by the hand; then came Alpert, the dog walker; Hutch, the hedge trimmer; and last but not least, Castor Oil. They all walked in slowly and carefully, everyone a little nervous, except Baby. They had never been in a place of such dignity in equal standing, because in the king's palace they were only servants, but now they were cordially invited. They sat down and waited, not speaking a word, once in a while taking a fast glance at each other, mostly twiddling their thumbs. There was a flower vase in the middle of the table and Baby plucked the flowers from it.
The lawyer walked in, gave a professional smile, and sat down. "Hi," he said.
Nervous faint "hi's" answered.
I suppose you all know why I called you here? he asked. ''No, Why?" asked Esther.
'Why, for the reading of the will." "Will?"
'What will?"
'Yeah. We don't know any will.---Do you know a will, Hutch?" "I don't know any will!"
'Why," broke in the lawyer. "The King's will!" ''The king's will?!"
'Yup! The king's will!"
'Wow, I didn't know he had a will."
'Well, he had to leave his fortune to someone, didn't he?
'Yeah, but since everyone in the palace was killed, we didn't know he knew anyone else to give it to."
He knew you five, didn't he? ''Yeah. Vaguely, though.
However, you're the only people left in the world that he knew, and, suffice to say, you each get properties worth ten billion dollars all together!
What!
What!
What!
What!
What!
Yup. Each of you has two billion dollars. He was talking to himself. They nil had fainted (except Baby, but she couldn't understand what he meant unyway).
So he poured water on them and they came to. "Gee," said Alpert. ''This
is good. What are you gonna do with your share, Castor?
"Well, I don't know what I'm gonna do with all of it, but first I'm gonna get me a wig and a nose job. What about you, Alpert?
"I donna, but I do know that I'm gonna get a bone and a mate for my doggie."
I'm gonna get me a new, modern hedge-trimmer so's I could cut more hedges faster and easier.---Why I'm gonna be the best doggone hedgegrimmer in the world!
I'm going to buy a nursery for the children. "Ga ga goo goo."
The Good-Time Bar was having a good time. All the population of Auburndale was there.
Roll out the barrel. We'll have a barrel of fun.
Ihey sang. J.usta-dancin' and a-singin'.
"Hailem enna left, and a hailem enna joey, a-right to ya lef', and a-right lo ya hoey, doe-see-soe,