Me, I love Montana... let me tell you why. I love Montana because we have almost no law. I am naturally distrustful flaws. I’ve always been that way, not because I am deranged or off-kilter, but because I know that laws are written and enforced in accordance to dollar signs. Really. I could do without most laws.
But some people just don’t understand. Mike Harden, a columnist for the Columbus Dispatch in Ohio, is one of those people. Mr. Harden suggests, in a piece recently published in our local paper, that a wall built around Montana to keep the rest of America safe from the swelling criminal element that, for some time now, has been festering in our state. I might add that he seems to discuss this bit of divine inspiration with an entirely straight face.
In fact, Mr. Harden seems quite serious in his belief that the Federal Government should break out the razor wire and fence us in. The column does not seem to be satirical. It is, as a whole, comically solemn. Mr. Harden’s piece left me wondering if be was some kind of fool, or just a complete idiot. Or both.
“Not only does Montana sprout wackos like quackgrass,” stales Harden. “The general population doesn’t seem to find anything particularly remarkable about them.”
Is it really so amazing that we live in a state where most people trust their fellow citizens enough to at least mind their own business? I never thought so. But according to Mr. Harden, it is our civic duty to rat out our neighbors to Big Brother the first time they don’t show up from the office father-daughter picnic. Mr.Harden’s column conjures up the image of him as one of those guys who probably spends a lot of his free time staring out the windows of his Ohio home. You know, just to see what the neighbors are up to.
Mr.Harden’s condemnation of our state seems to be entirely based on two examples; the Unabomber and the Freemen. Both, of course, are completely insane. It’s true, we have a few crazies roaming around Montana. Maybe, if you looked around Ohio long enough you might find a few crazies there too. Most states, I would guess, probably have a few citizens that might be considered a bit touched. Ours are just original enough to make the papers.
Mr. Harden refers to the Freemen as Nazis, and this may be a fair description. It might be considered a little ironic, though, that Harden is the one who wants to turn our state into a huge concentration camp for the weirdoes who may or may not actually be hiding here.
What is especially interesting is that Mr. Harden also seems to imply that it is the fault of the average Montanan that these fringe elements exist. He even goes as far as to suggest that we are “proud” of them. As if our state government sent a special brochure to Ted Kaczyinski, inviting him to move his Unabase-of-operations here.
Dear Ted. In the West, we understand men of your sensibilities. Why hell, move out here and we’ll lick those stamps for you. We’re all rooting for you, Ted.
Your Buddy, Montana.
Now that I really think about it, maybe building a wall around Montana isn’t such a bad idea. It just might keep paranoid, reactionary dimwits like Mike Harden from ever coming here.