This Book Will Change Your Life (Preview)
The Very Best of ‘This Diary Will Change Your Life’

.

[Disclaimer: This is a simple text conversion of the book photoscan for word-searching, it contains many errors.]

This Book Will Change Your Life belongs to:

Stranger: if you find this Book, please return it to me if I know the secret word

(which is..............)

and I will give you:..............

Legal Disclaimer: ROOK WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE ara not legally responslbla for crimas, communications should be directed to www.banrlk.co.uk

Benrik

Benrik are Ben Carey and Henrik Delehag, authors, artists and all-round creative pundits. Benrik’sgoal is to create an alternative to the current rationalistic collective imagination, turning everyday life on its head before bashing it in. Once this alternative worldview has been seeded in enough readers’ minds, it will be child’s play to take over the state, the army, the media and most of the major multilateral institutions. Watch this space.

After years of painful testing on guinea pigs across the globe, the definitive life-changing manual is in your hands. Since 2004, close to half a million people have purchased copies of the annual “Diary Will Change Your Life” series and followed its daily and weekly tasks, reporting back to its creators Benrik and other readers on www.benrik.co.uk. This edition distills the be^t of those tasks, and presents Benrik’s extreme life-change programme in a beautiful yet convenient format. You can of course dip in and out of it, but for guaranteed results, you mu^t follow it for a whole year, one day at a time. Indeed, for ca^t-iron guaranteed results, repeat this every year for the re^t of your life. Good luck!

To task in coordination with everyone else, start on www.benrik.co.uk in early January.

Personal details

PHOTO (Before)

PHOTO (After)

Name.............. -..............

Address..............-....—.....—.............

Phone (home)..............Phone (mobile)..............—...

Email...._..............-..............

Computer IP address ..........-.....-..............-.............

Date Of Birth..............-..............Social Security number..............

Bank details A/C..............Sort code..............

Internet password..............

Credit cards..............

Pin numbers..............

Burglar alarm code.............. —-------------------------------------------

Role model________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Aspiration in life..............

Childhood dream..............

Claim to fame..............

Definition of beauty..............

Explanation of evil..............

Other details you deem relevant..............

Completely unnecessary detail..............

Compromising detail..............

IS THIS BOOK A GIFT?

DONOR: Explore reasons for giving it here..............

GIFTEE: Explore feelings on receiving it here..............

In case of emergency

IN CASE OF ACCIDENT

Name of GP.............. Phone..............

Medication..............

Previous operations..............

Limbs I would rather not have amputated..............

Organs I would rather not have removed..............

Current Blood Group ._.....„..............Preferred Blood Group..............

Should I become Involved In an accident and require a transfusion, please use this opportunity to change my blood group as Indicated above. Thank you.

IN CASE OF AMNESIA

My favourite colour (circle) ■■ ■□Hllllllll ■■■■■ ■■RHE My favourite food..............

My lucky number..............My sexual orientation..............

My best foot.............. My | best friend..............

My most annoying habits..............

IN CASE OF SUDDEN DEATH

Person to contact..............Phone..............

Break the news to them gently? Yes □ No □

Confession (my worst sin): I did. to.............. I want to be buried □ cremated □ Song to be played..............

Do not Invite..............

Epitaph.............. Lasting regret.............. My stuff goes to..............-............

Dear..............(best | friend),

please go to my room and remove.............. -..............

from..............before my poor mother finds it.

IN CASE OF GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WAR Favourite isotope..............-..............

Country where you agree to meet up with your loved ones within 10 years..............

IN CASE THE ROBOTS TAKE OVER

Benrik are looking for a child to train to take on the robots in the year 2037. Must be mature for its age and prepared to sacrifice its childhood. Are you that child? Do you know such a child? Are you prepared to conceive that child? If so, email Benrik asap.

Day 1: Warm-up Day

Warm up with an easy task that will only change your life a little bit. Choose one of the following options:

Do one press-up.

Perform a striptease (in private).

Learn to play “Chopsticks”.

Increase your typing speed by three words a minute.

Jaywalk in a pedestrian zone.

Set all your clocks to exactly the right time.

Tell someone your middle name.

Fantasize about your partner.

Use a different thickness comb.

Hold the phone up to your other ear.

Bookmark a new website.

Give your genitalia pet names.

Insult an insect.

Leave work five minutes early.

e should have changed, but not measurably.

Triple-tie your shoelaces.

Whisper a white lie when no one’s listening.

Try a new sandwich filling.

Go on a one-minute hunger strike.

Day 2: The love of your life

Today, gaze at everyone wondering whether they might be the one true love of your life, the one destined for you and you alone, and whether you might be passing them by forever,,, Act in consequence,

Day 3: Advise your military today

The armed forces of Western powers are currently deployed across the globe in a Variety of combat missions. It is your duty not only to support them, but to provide them with any tactical jn&jghts you have gleaned from your personal study of the battlefield. Write to someone in your national military directly today, and claim your rightful place in the chain of command. Sample letters:

Lieutenant R. McGregor
9^th Armoured Bngade
SFOR
Sarajevo
Bosnia

Dear Lieutenant,

My thoughts are with you during the difficult time away from loved ones. Your actions are making peace possible throughout the world. Now, I spend a lot of time on internet chat rooms, and I've picked up rumours of potential civil unrest in Macedonia. You could cross the border with 3rd Battalion at dawn, and take control of the major strategic centres including TV stations. I'll square it with your superiors at this end.

God bless you and your men.

With you all the way!

Day 4: Discreetly give the finger to people all day today

Hmmm... I wonder...

Just chilling out...

Sure, take the last seat!

Rich pickings...

Everything’s in order, officer

I like to stay informed

Business is business

Is there something in my teeth?

TODAY, SUBVERT CONSUMER SOCIETY FROM WITHIN

Visit luxury stores, pretend to examine their goods and use the opportunity to hide these messages inside for the eventual buyers to discover.

This vase is expensive yet empty — same as you?

Congratulations for buying a car. Well done you!

With this boot, you are crushing the poor.

Have you read much Marx lately, you capitalist swine?

This bag will never make up for your loveless childhood.

Has this purchase made you feel better about yourself?

Imagine how many families you could feed for the price of this item.

Happy?

I didn’t think so...

Day 6: Today, try food that scares you

DOG

HORSE

OYSTERS

SNAILS

TRIPE

HAGGIS

FROG’S LEGS

BRUSSELS SPROUTS

TIGER TESTICLE

JELLIED EEL

Day 7: TODAY, LET BENRIK STAMP YOUR PASSPORT

To induct you symbolically into the Benrik community, we require that you send us your passport, so that we may stamp it with the Benrik logo. This will confirm your commitment to the life-changing programme, and make you truly “one of us”. From hereon in, there is no turning back..

Attach this application form to your passport

Dear Benrik,

Please stamp my passport (enclosed) as proof of my membership.

I have read the terms and conditions below and agree to them.

Name:..............

Date:..............

Signature:..............

Send your passport by registered post to: Benrik, c/o United Agents, 12–26 Lexington St, London W1F OLE, UK. Enclose a special delivery or recorded self-addressed envelope for the return of your passport. Benrik are not responsible for any passports lost in the post. Please allow 28 days for tbe return of your stamped passport. By sending in your passport, you confirm that you understand that a passport is an official document, and that carrying a defaced passport may constitute an offence in some countries. Benrik are not responsible for any difficulties occasioned by the Bennk stamp, including but not limited to: refusal of entry to any country including your own; confiscation of passport and consequences thereof; missed flights, connections, or disrupted travel arrangements of any kind; arrest or any form of detention, prosecution and/or conviction; loss of citizenship, visa, refugee or asylum status.

Day 8: Self-portrait day

Day 9: THINGS YOU WILL NEVER DO BEFORE YOU DIE

Tick the boxes to come to terms with the fact that you will never:

Read Proust..............□

Climb Everest..............Q

Swim with dolphins..............Q

Learn Ita’ian..............Q

Visit Bhutan..............□

Write that rovel/screenplay.........□

Become world chess champion..........Q

Rob a bark..............□

Run away..............Q

Have a sex change..............Q

Become a queen..............Q

Become a king..............Q

Wear coloured lenses..............Q

Donate your liver..............Q

Compromise..............□

Become a millionaire..............□

Go to heaven..............Q

Parachute..............□

Walk to the North Pole..............□

Learn Russian..............□

Live off chanty..............Q

Contract an STD..............□

Swallow a coin..............Q

Spend a night in prison.............□

Start a revolution..............Q

Pretend everything is all right.....Q

Follow this Book rigorously.........Q

Learn how to drive..............□

Hurt a friend..............□

Celebrate Xmas in May..............Q

Call your father “Pa”..............Q

Call your mother “Ma”..............Q

Learn the Periodic Table by heart...C

Go to a drive-in cinema.............Q

Become an artist..............□

Collect stamps..............□

Work in a coa’ mine..............□

Be late for a date..............□

Watch all of Bergman..............Q

Follow Mao’s teachings..............□

Bite the dust..............Q

Kiss a stranger..............□

Move to Japan..............Q

Visit space..............□

Invent a cookie..............□

Become grumpy when old..............Q

Wear a rucksack..............□

Ride a came!..............□

Use a semicolon..............□

Inject herom..............□

Wear loafers..............□

Speak m tongues..............□

Become a fanatic..............□

Dress like a hip-hopper.............□

Faint with love..............□

Save the world..............Q

Become insensitive to suffering.....□

Be gay..............□

Be heterosexual..............□

Start a cult..............Q

Stand and speak up for your rights..□

Ta’k to strangers..............□

Start a fire..............Q

Drink yourself silly in New Zealand.Q

Order tap water..............Q

Grow a beard..............□

Master the yo-yo..............□

Become a fitness instructor.........Q

Be on TV..............Q

Laugh at a bad jo*e..............Q

Feel like Batman..............Q

Apply for a patent..............□

Become a rock star..............Q

Fall for advertismg..............□

Live for a year on a desert island..□

Stop worrying..............Q

Use the term “solutionizo”..........□

Confess to a priest..............Q

Confess to a whore..............□

Eat leaves from a tree..............□

Graffiti a highway bridge...........Q

Be drunk during office hours........Q

Own an owl..............Q

Contemplate suicide..............□

Ride a Harley..............□

Take NO for an answer..............Q

Say a prayer..............□

Gamble your shirt..............□

Break a promise..............□

Learn to f’y..............Q

Get a tattoo..............□

Learn to live with gnats...........□

Go on a field trip..............□

Take part in a brainstorming.......Q

Invade a small country.............□

Be the fifth wheel..............Q

Ride a donkey..............□

Demand a ransom..............Q

Proc’aim yourself emperor..........□

Disinherit your heirs..............Q

Say NO when you mean YES...........□

Adopt a Romanian..............□

Seduce the prom queen..............□

Pamt someone in tar and feathers...C

Run for your life..............Q

Witness a miracle..............□

Light a fart..............□

Shave off your pubic hair..........□

Smoke a cat..............□

Make the front page..............□

Cross-dress..............□

Win the Nobel Peace Prize..........□

Make love in f’ont of a stranger...Q

Volunteer for a dangerous m;ssion..□

Overdose..............Q

Give birth to a goatboy............□

Wm the rat race..............Q

Make like a tree..............□

Overthrow a reg-mo..............Q

Bako a souffle..............□

Organize an orgy..............Q

Understand Hitler..............Q

Race at Monaco..............Q

Live within your means.............Q

Marry someone you’ve just met......□

Marry someone you’ve never met.....Q

Star m a Hollywood blockbuster.....□

Shovel manure..............□

Discover the lost city of Atlantis.C

Dream in black and whte............□

See your face on a banknote........□

Be eaten by cannibals.............□

Own a grotto..............□

Solve a crime..............Q

Host a game show..............Q

Sue the government..............□

Win the lottery..............Q

Sieep with your best friend’s partner..„□

Start your own religion...........|~j

Experience an earthquake..........□

Meet Santa..............Q

Shoot the last buffalo............□

Bump’n’grind..............Q

Hibernate..............□

Burn your bra (women).............□

Bum your jockstrap (mon)..........□

Find a guru..............Q

Turn 117 years old..............□

Update the Kama Sutra.............□

Marry a prince or princess........□

Settle in Pittsburgh..............Q

Run whh the wolves..............Q

Become pope..............□

Inher t the crown jewels..........Q

Be used as a manga character......QJ

Grow a tail..............□

Crash a helicopter in the jungle...Q Take a vow of silence............□

Take a vow of chastity............□

Jump bail..............□

Move someone to tears..............3

Fake a multiple orgasm.............[ |

Become employee of the month......Q

Go live with a hermit..............□

Greet the extraterrestrial delegation.,.-O Become a Muslim..............Q

Become a Buddhist..............C

Become a Christian..............Q

Tie the oer*ect shoe’ace knot.......Q

Eradicate hcpatit;s C..............C

Kiss your own lips..............Q

Shoot the pianist..............□

Ride off into the sunset............□

Invent a typeface..............□

Reject society..............Q

Beat Bjorn Borg at tennis...........□

Fulfil! your true potential.........□

Be in the eye of the storm..........Q

Break the bank in Vegas.............□

Have a park bench named after you...□ Risk your life.............. □

Refuse a new technology.............□

Meet your great-great-grandchildren....Q Suffer a fool gladly..............□

Sway a jury..............Q

Sweep a chimney..............Q

Fight the power..............Q

Be the 78^th person on the moon......□

Collect coms..............Q

Be called upon by your president....C

Wm best-looking baby of the year....□

Smoke a Cuban cigar..............Q

Think up a new swear word.........|~|

Fight a duel..............□

Jump the gun..............Q

Escape your past..............□

Suck on 12 lollipops at once........Q

Have your own brand of oiive oil....Q

Become immortal..............Q

Learn pole dancing..............□

Play the lead in Swan Lake..........□

Master the remote control...........Q

Catch that bird that pooped on you..□

Loop the loop..............Q

Make a pact with the devil..........□

Wish upon a star..............□

Tel! your deepest secret............□

Witness the mating of Hamingos......□

Feel ugly..............□

Feel pretty..............Q

Confess under duress..............□

Walk down the yellow brick road.....Q

Travel at warp speed..............□

Stab someone in the back...........Q

Imp’ode..............□

Swim m Lake Titicaca..............□

Jump on a real bandwagon...........□

Run an arms dealership.............Q

Shit m the woods..............Q

Exterminate a zombie..............□

Sniff sjperglue..............[“]

Whistle while you work.............[  

Become a superhero..............Q

Memorize an encyclopaedia..........Q

Floss twice a day..............Q

Go on a rampage..............□

Make your bank manager beg.........Q

Lick an electric eel..............□

Broker a ceasefire..............[ 1

Conduct an orchestra..............Q

Jump ship..............q

Make a leap of faith..............□

Get drunk on meths..............Q

Sacrifice a goat..............Q

Live to tell the tale..............Q

Inaugurate a building..............Q

Forgive and forget..............Q

Sleep with a whore of Babylon......□

Reach Nirvana..............Q

Find out what it’s all about.......□

Crush grapes with your bare feet....□ Ride a yak ..............Q

Sup with Satan..............Q

Bite the hand that feeds you.......Q

Track down Lord Lucan..............Q

Cause an intergalactic rift........Q

Get away with murder...............□

Travel back in time..............□

Apologize for existing..............□

Think the unthinkable..............□

Appease a dictator..............□

Lose your mojo..............□

Face a firing squad..............Q

Become an object of worship..........□

Gate crash the White House..........□

Burn a banknote..............□

Have the Midas touch..............Q Trigger an avalanche.........C

Cure the common cold..............□

Own an oil field..............Q

Save the whale..............□

Discover a row continent............□

Serenade a lover..............Q

Come out of a black hole alive.......□

Precipitate the decline of the West.□ Jump for joy..............Q

Suck youf little toe in public......Q

Mate with another species...........□

Become possessed..............3’

Surpass Einstein..............□

Understand Einstein..............Q

Look like Einston..............Q

Predict an eclipse..............□

Part-cipate in the Olympics.........□

Catch a shark..............Q

Meet your maker..............Q

Commit arson..............Q

Wear a cape..............□

Talk dirty to a flower..............□

Spot the Invisible Man..............Q

Head a posse..............□

Undergo emergency liposuction.......□

Do the Rubik’s Cube..............Q

Blame God for everything............□

Acquire a hard-ass nickname.........□

Bet’ay your country..............□

Regain your virginity..............□

Change astrolog.cal signs...........Q

Bring back Bambi..............Q

Write in cuneiform..............□

Get fired for being truculent.......□

Become like youf father.............□

Become like your mother.............Q

Join the French Foreign Legion......□ Achieve perfection..............Q

Spell “egg” differently.............□

Win top prize for your verruca......□

Beg in the sVeet..............□

Channel lava away from a village....C G’ow a third nipp e..............Q

Spend all your salary on payday.....Q

Witness the Big Bang..............Q

Gerrymander..............Q

Generate controversy..............Q

Meet a bolshevik..............Q

Ooze charm..............Q

Moult..............Q

Have too much of a good th-ng.......Q

Die of fiard work..............Q

Run amok..............Q

Discover your ancestor is Napoleon..□ Make it to the top..............□

Successfully crash-land a jumbo jet..„D Fiddle while Rome burns..............□

Design the perfect crouton..........□

Run out of tears..............□

Howl at the full moon..............□

W-n an Oscar..............q

Unbreak a taboo..............Q

Give ;se to a cause cdldbre.........□

Part the Red Sea..............□

Have sex with your clone............Q

Know the truth about JFK............□

Wave a red rag to a bull............Q

Get high on life..............Q

Find your self.............. Q

Rule the world..............Q

Other..............q

Day 10

TODAY DO A RUNNER

RUNNER ETIQUETTE.

1) | Wait until the coffee course, particularly if there is a set menu.

2) | Do not leave your date behind, unless you are sure it is the last time you wish to see them.

3) | Do not start actually “running” until you are outside the restaurant.

4) | Do not select the heaviest items on the menu. Running on a bouillabaisse is medically inadvisable.

5) | Beginners and the shy:

Do a practice “runner” before ordering any food.

lnsuhTsn alien

All radio waves are beamed up into space at the speed of light, and can travel millions of miles towards faraway galaxies. So, even an amateur CB radio can be used to communicate with other worlds. Today, check it’s working by radioing up an appropriate insult. When the alien arrives, tell him or her you were just testing.

Planet Mans

Distance from Earth: 78,000,000km.

Likely alien life form: Martians.

Appropriate insult: Your mother is a Venusian whore.

Kuipep Celt

Distance from Earth: 6,000,000,000km.

Likely alien life form-.‘Microbial spores.

Appropriate insult: N/A (non-intelligent life).

Alpha Centaupi

Distance from Earth: 4.3 light years. ■

Likely alien life form: Ozone-breathing octopi. Appropriate insult: God you’re ugly, even by alien standards.

Andpomeda

Distance from Earth: 2.3 million’light ydars. Likely alien life form: Wise, peace-loving, oil-mining humanoids.

Appropriate insult: Hey hippies, as soon as we humans master warp drive space travel technology, you’re toast.

Galaxy M33

Distance from Garth: 3 million light years.

Likely alien life form: the dinosaurs, who fled the Earth in their spaceship just before the meteorite shower.

Appropriate .insult: It’s our planet now suckers.

Zopg Empire

Distance from Earth: 9.1 million light years. Likely alien life form: Zorgoids, three-headed flesh-hungry-beasts, predators of the seven known universes.

Appropriate insult: Come and get some, you warlike aliens who have mastered warp drive space travel- technology! | .

Cosmic hopizon

Distance from Earth: 1.3 billion light years. Likely alien life form: God knows.

Appropriate insult: Wouldn’t risk it on this one.

Day 12

Recruit a celebrity to the Benrik cult today: Tom Cruise has done wonders for Scientology, advocating it in public and helping it reach a younger, trendier audience. Benrik too require a celebrity to join their “extreme life-changing” cause and boost their profile. Today, every reader must try and convert a celebrity to Benrik, by filling in the form below, bookmarking it, and sending this Book to a famous person of their choice. Anyone who gets a genuine reply will feature in Benrik’s Hall Of Fame (unless the reply takes legal form).

To the celebrity receiving this book: to ^tornote the “extreme life-change” cause, please hold the book in the following way as you enter or leave celebrity parties.

Qear Celebrity name

I have long admired your work, and in particular

Relevant work deta” e.g. film part, hit song, lengthy novel

which just blew me away on so many levels, like

Name one level on which you were especially blown away

I’m no one in particular, just a

Job title

from

Location

But I thought I’d send you this book. It’s none of my business really, but I read in the press recently that you had problems because of

Give details of recent tabloid story concerning the celebrity

They obviously make all this up, but still, it sounds like you could use a radical life-change. Follow this book’s instructions every day and you’ll get much more positive publicity let me assure you! Anyway, I don’t want to bother you any longer, as I have my own problems

Name a few of your problems

I urge you to visit www.benrik.co.uk and join us for your own sake. Good luck.

Sign here

P.S. Call me on

Your mobile phone number

if you need to discuss.

Day 13

Day 14

SENSE-LESS DAY

Go through today without using your sense of: sight

HOWTO*

WHITE CANE.

TitTe sfoTy: There is an Extraordinary study by MaMTs ten Senden, wilted ‘Space and Sight’ In it he examines the experiences of those bora fete whose sight has recently been restored by cataract surgery. For them, vision is a radical new experience. They see the world as a field of colours. One girl was so moved by its dazzling brilliance that she kept her eyes shut for two weeks, only opening them briefly now and again, to repeat “Oh God! How beautiful.” Alas, she found it impossible to understand space, and kept bumping into these colours She was only ever happy with her eyes closed, pretending to be blind again.

Day 15

oday, ask your loved ones to list your bad points

On Benrik’s journey to change your life, you must undergo self-criticism and establish

just what was wrong with your old one. Ask your nearest and dearest to write down

what they don’t like about you so that you may attempt to rectify the problem. To help motivate you, they are to renounce you at the end of the year if you haven’t changed.

(EXAMPLE: “YOU DROOL IN YOUR SLEEP, ALL OVER MY PILLOW) Partner:

What I don’t like about you, my spouse/lover:..............

I hereby promise to ditch you by the end of the year if this hasn’t changed.

SIGNATURE:..............

(EXAMPLE: “YOU IGNORE MY ADVICE TO SETTLE DOWN’) Parent:

What I don’t like about you, my child:..............

I hereby promise to disinherit you by the end of the year if this hasn’t changed.

SIGNATURE:.............,..............

(EXAMPLE: “YOU KEEP BURDENING ME WITH UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS”} Child:

What I don’t like about you, my parent:..............

I hereby promise to run away by the end of the year if this hasn’t changed.

SIGNATURE:..............

(EXAMPLE: ‘YOU TALK ABOUT YOURSELF TOO MUCH, AND IT’S NOT THAT INTERESTING EITHER’) Friend:

What I don’t like about you, my friend:..............

I hereby promise to drop you by the end of the year if this hasn’t changed.

SIGNATURE:..............

(EXAMPLE: ‘YOU’RE INCOMPETENT’) Boss:

What I don’t like about you, my employee:..............

I hereby promise to fire you by the end of the year if this hasn’t changed.

SIGNATURE:..............

Day 16?

This morning, walk into a polxe station, announce you’re finally giving yourseJ up and refuse to say another word tor the rest of the day.

Know your rights!

You may be giving yourself up, but that doesn’t mean you’re giving up your basic rights. Make sure the police follow due process, and if not, complain about it to the Independent Police Complaints Commission on 08453 002 002.

ARREST: An arrest is only lawful il you are told that you are under arrest and are given the grounds for your arrest at the time or as soon as possible afterwards. Once in custody, you are entitled to a clean cell with adequate heating, lighting and bedding, as well as access to toilet facilities.

— ETENTION: The police must determine as soon as practicable whether there is enough evidence to charge you. They may only detain you for up to 38 nours without charge, unless you are lucky enough to be detained under recent anti-terrorist legislation, in which case it’s 28 days.

SEARCH: If you refuse to identify yourself, a police officer of the same sex may search you for any clues. Strip searches are only allowed if the custody officer considers it to be strictly necessary, or if you specifically request one.

LEGAL ADVICE: Upon your arrest, you should be informed of your statutory right to consult a solicitor free of charge and in private. You can always exercise this right without actually speaking to the solicitor when they turn up of course.

RiGHT TO SILENCE. You nave Ine right to silence. In the UK, however, it has been curtailed in recent years. Before, you were allowed to stay silent although anything you said could be held against you. Now, saying nothing may actually harm your defence.

USE OF FORCE: The police are allowed to use reasonable force where you refuse to consent to certain procedures, including fingerprinting and “non-intimate samples”. However they may not use force to obtain “intimate samples”, such as blood, semen or any tissue taken from an orifice other than the mouth.

USE OF TORTURE: The police are not really allowed to torture you, unless you are following today’s task in a dictatorial regime, which we do not recommend even In the name of extreme life-change.

RELEASE: The police may attempt to release you before the full day is up. They may for instance be tempted to deny there is enough evidence to suspect you of an actual offence. Foil their plan by rolling your eyes, dribbling, and making violent stabbing gestures. This should renew their interest

Day 17

Today, stick a message on a banknote

Banknotes are the ultimate media, circulating between millions every day free of charge. Benrik believe that their use for communication purposes would reinforce the social tissue and make the spending experience a lot more “fun”.

Possible messages to write: •Darling don’t forget the milk •Mistress Eva 07890 61647

• Mickey V Tracy

• Save the blue-crested grebe!

• Sorry about the herpes everyone

Coution: The Bonk Of Englond ore not yet fully convinced by our pion. This is their current position: “We strongly discouroge people from toking ony oction which will, even to a very limited extent, shorten the life of our bonknotes. Clearly sticking lobels to banknotes is likely to do this. As for moking the notes “more fun” thot is not the purpose of o bonknote. You moy olso find yourself prosecuted if the portroit of the Queen is defoced in ony woy. Moy I suggest thot you find onother woy to odvertise your publicotion.” Public Enquiries Group, Bonk Of Englond

Sabotage Hollywood Day

Go to movies and shout out the ending to help people realize how predietable most big studio productions are. Examples:

Apollo 13 “They don’t make the moon, but return safely.”

Basic Instinct

“Sharon Stone did it!”

Casablanca “lisa leaves Casablanca without Kick.”

Deep Impact . “The shuttle crew blow themselves up with the comet and save us.”

E.T

“The other aliens rescue him.”

Forrest Gump “Forrest’s Mum and Jenny die, but leave Forrest with a baby.”

Gladiator “Russell Crowe kills the emperor but dies.”

Halloween “They think they’ve killed him, but they haven’t!”

Independence Day “They disable the alien shield and nuke them all.”

Jaws “Schneider blows the shark up and swims home.”

Karate Kid

“Daniel wins.”

Lock Stock And Two Smoking Barrels “Big Chris takes the money, they nearly throw away the priceless guns.”

Mission Impossible “Everything has been set up by Jon Voight.”

Notting Hill “They get married, she gets pregnant.”

Ocean ’s Eleven “The Swat team are the conmen.” 1

Pearl Harbor “The Japanese lose the war.”

Quiz Show

“The hoax is exposed.”

Raiders Of The Lost Ark “Indy recaptures the Ark for the US government.”

Saving Private Ryan “The old man at the beginning is Ryan.”

Thelma

And Louise “They commit suicide by driving off a cliff.”

Usual Suspects “Kevin Spacey has made everything up.”

Vanilla Sky “Too complicated to explain.”

When Harry Met Sally “Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal eventually get together.”

XXX “Vin Diesel triumphs over the bad guys.”

You’ve Got Mail “Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks eventually get together.”

Zulu “The Zulus recognize the soldiers’ bravery and let them survive.”

^2^;^ J’W^iv^ | True story! | # ^ ’’

Marcus Grant, 32, was working as

I;] | a checkout assistant for Walmart in North

/ Canton, Ohio, when his supervisor Russell Streiff called him to the phone. His great-aunt Lana Milova Granovskaia had just died at the age of 105. Lana had been a young painter of great promise just before the revolution, even said to be in line for a portrait of Tsar Nicholas II. Of course, her career ended as quickly as it had begun. Now, the only time Marcus had ever met great-aunt Lana was in 1995 in ht Moscow, when he had been backpacking around Europe and decided to drop in on her in her humble suburban flat. Then he had charmed the lonely old lady with his naive American ways, and his encyclopaedic

B 1 | knowledge of Cold War-era Bond films. Ironically, she later froze to

B A | death in her post-Soviet garret on the very day the new Russian

courts accepted her claim to the Granovskaia estate outside y^T^ | Moscow, now worth a hefty $40,000,000. The rest of the

Grant (ex-Granovskaia) clan having ignored her, she’d BJF1 ^B^^M left everything to Marcus. Marcus has now quit

Day 20

Today, search your house for bodies left

over from any previous serial-killer occupants

Favourite serial-killer hiding places

Hidden in attic

in! th

:ion

rough

Secret cell in basement ***

Look for signs of brickwork that doesn’t fit in with the rest.

Under the floorboards ****

Use a bevel-edged chisortp lever them1 up, and a flashlight tolookunderneath. 1

Id wall cavities **

Tap the walls to locate

r^k4^H ; xrth a hampei

Under the I pdtib^**^^

Lift ^ti^lagstohef then excavate the subso’ilusing a spade

^* &’”””* & Ger the chimney swept t c sc for Obstructions.

If you can’t find any bodies, try bluffing: call up previous occupants and suggest you’ll reveal their “little secret” unless they turn within the hour with £10,000 in cash. Assess their reaction for signs of panic and call the police if your suspicions are aroused

COVENTRY TO BAS ELDON 12:33 P.M. TRAIN ON

12 FEBRUARY, COACH 3 “... what it is? It’s not that he’s shit in bed, it’s ... he’s shit at everything, he’s a loser that’s what ...the other day he dropped Lisa again ... I know I know ... four ... but you can still get brain damage ... what happened to him yeah probably ■yeah that’s right ... wanker, yeah ... can’t believe I married him”

CAFE AL FRESCO, TUNBRIDGE WELLS, 2.3 APRIL, 11:12 A.M. “says it’s-fungal ... no, f-u-n-g-a-1, like mushrooms ... yeah no I got to see him straight away yeah ... yes ... I dunno ... at the pool?... he had a good poke anyway, apparently it’s spread all the way inside ... no ... well, like red inflamed scabby bits, you know ... flaky? no, greasy ... did you? ... anyway he gave me some cream -^ can’t stop scratching it”

HEATHROW AIRPORT BUSINESS-CLASS LOUNGE,

2 NOVEMBER, 8:34 A.M. “Yes I’d like,.to book an appointment ... What about Thursday next week?

... Thursday 6 p.m.? ... hmmm ... no Wednesday I’m in Brussels ... Friday 10 a.m.? 10.30? Ok. What do you charge? £150 ... Can I get you down to £100? Come on £140’s not a discount ... Meet me halfway here ... £130, ok ... And do you do anal? Good good

Day 22

They give me one week to live.

1 never

..got your b e-mail.

You

“ ....don’t

4 have a » ? daddy.

Be a

pathological | liar for

a day

1 gave you that report yesterday!

fancies u like crazy, he told me so.

.The

president just got shot!

porno mag was in your drawer.

I double-checked your parachute myself. ’

Of course I’m wearing a condom.

Today lie your ass off about absolutely everything and enjoy a much more stimulating existence.

Day 23

Choose your final meal on death row and make it

Lawrence Buxton Offence: Murder. Executed: 26/02/1991

Steak (filet mignon), pineapple upside-down cake, tea, punch and coffee.

Leonard Rojas

Offence: Double Murder.

Executed: 04/12/2002

One whole fried chicken (extra crispy), salad with Thousand Island dressing, French toast, two Diet Cokes, one apple pie, and French fries.

Ron Shamburger J

Offence: Murder. „

Executed:. 18/09/2002 | ‘ .

Nachos with chilli and cheese, one bowl of sliced jalapenos, one bowl of picante sauce, two large onions (sliced and grilled), tacos (with fresh tomatoes, Ie tuce, and cheese), and toasted corn tortilla shells.

DEATH ROW CANNIBAL DENIED LAST MEAL: Archie Williams, 36, was denied his last meal before his execution in July 2002. Reports from the prison state that Williams had requested that he be served his cellmate, John Peirson. Peirson, who was also on death row awaiting his execution had agreed to let himself be fed to his friend after his death. They had made some sort of death pact with each other a few weeks before they were set to be executed,” stated Kevin Marsh, Warden of the San Angelo Maximum Security Prison. “The state is not in the habit of granting such odd and disgusting requests.

do, just smile...

Day 2 5

TODAY JUMP A QUEUE

YES

Tourists are a good bet: they don’t know the rules, they won’t speak well enough to protest, and in their country it’s often the done thing anyway.

0

Avoid the middle of the queue: people here have queued a long time already and are stressed about whether they’ll get in.

Avoid the elderly: they have high moral standards and will enjoy rebuking a young hooligan in public.

The very front of the queue has been scientifically proven to be the best place to muscle in: people are relaxed as they can see they’ll get in, and it’s so cheeky they can’t believe you’re queue jumping anyway.

®T

When Keble College Oxford was built in the late 19^th century, it was judged so monstrous by some that a society was formed to destroy it by removing one brick a year. Today, pick a local eyesore and kickstart its demolition by stealing a small portion of it.

HELP DESTROY AN UGLY BUILDING

Day 27

“It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must he in want of a wife.” Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen

“Hale knew they meant to murder him before he had been in Brighton three hours.”

Brighton Rock, Graham Greene

“I have carefully collected all I could possibly find out about the history of poor Werther and I lay it before you here, knowing that you will thank me for doing so.”

The Sorrows of Young Werther, Johan Wolfgang von Goethe

“And this also, has been one of the dark places of the earth.”

Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad

Mother died today.” L’Etranger, Albert Camus

“Someone must have been telling lies about Joseph K., for without having done anything wrong he was arrested one fine morning.” The Trial, Franz Kafka

“You are about to begin reading Italo Calvino’s new novel, If on a winter’s night a traveller.” If on a winter’s night a traveller, Italo Calvino

“Longtemps je me suis couche de bonne heure.” A la Recherche du Temps Perdu, Marcel Proust

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” Old Testament, Anonymous

“Stately, plump Buck Milligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed.”

Ulysses, James Joyce

“The snow in the mountains was melting and Bunny had been dead for several weeks before we came to understand the gravity of our situation.” The Secret History, Donna Tartt

“The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there.”

The Go-Between, L.P.Hartley

“All happy families resemble each other; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Anna Karenina, Tolstoy

“...the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it.” The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger

“Riverrun, past Eve and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.” Finnegans Wake, James Joyce

“It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.” 1984, George Orwell

“LOLITA, light of my life, fire of my loins.” Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov

“You don’t know about me, without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, but that ain’t no matter.” Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain

Today write the opening sentence of your debut novel:

TODAY, RETURN ALE YOUR JUNK ^ MAIL

Junk mail clogs up your letter box and forces you to spend hours every month disposing of it. But hey, if you send it back, it has the same effect on the companies who dish it out. Just write return to sender and change the name to B. Smith, Resources & Personnel Dept, and they will spend valuable time trying to work out who or what should be on the receiving end of your correspondence.

Day 29

TODAY, EAT WRONG

Modern health experts keep issuing contradictory advice. One week, wine is good for you. The next, vitamins are out. Today, eat the opposite of whatever you’re told to. You’ll enjoy yourself more and you may well be proved right in the long-run anyway.

DO EAT: LARD

Contains nutrients essential to brain function, says 2017 report

DON’T EAT: CARROTS

Will be linked to cancer of the retina in 2016

DON’T EAT: BROCCOLI

Correlated to urinary tract infections by 2029

DON’T EAT: ORANGES

By 2035, well-established as primary cause of brittle bones

DO DRINK: WINE

“A bottle a day keeps bird flu away” (Government campaign, 2044)

DO EAT: SALT 20g per meal in winter prevents common cold (Nobel Prize for medicine, 2021)

DON’T EAT: BANANAS

May cause fatal blood-pressure drop in zero-gravity conditions (Warning to all colonists, 2061)

DO EAT: PORK SCRATCHINGS

In combination with avocado puree, increase longevity by up to 8 years (The Lancet, 2030)

DON’T EAT: FRUIT & VEGETABLES “Discredited five-a-day policy responsible for agonizing haemorrhagic deaths of millions” (BBC headline, June 2050)

At 20:07

F Greenwich

f Mean Time everyone across the world will screan at once. Whether you are in the pub, a movie, a confessional, a funeral, on a date or just sitting1 at home ou your computer, we’ll all scream at once

. and see if we can J hear it.

(hi is an example of one of the many reader suggested tasks in this Book The rea er in this instance is Joel Moss Levinson, USA. Nice work Joel

Day 31

Groom someone on the net toda

Internet grooming is a potent new psychological tool, which has been unfairly misappropriated by paedophiles. You don’t have to be a twisted sicko to use it’ anyone may groom anyone else for a wide variety of useful’ tasks, fiom teaching you a foreign language to polishing your shoes Follow the basic guidelines below and report your grooming successes today on www.benrik.co.uk,

THE SEVEN STAGES OF GROOMING:

/. / o chat room There are hundreds of thousands of chat rooms on the internet. Try and find one that corresponds to your particular interest e.g. if you wish to groom someone to trim your hedge, you might try catling On www gardenchat.com.

Select a ppwmee. Observe the chat before intervening. Is theie anyone no one is talking to? Is anyone cledrjy new to the group and looking for a chatting companion? If their nickname (or handle} includes the word ‘lonely’, you have a groomee.

■3 biitodticc -ourself’ Take care not to scare your groomee away by declaring your grooming interest prematurely <Hi>, <Hellof>, <Wazzup> are ail effective introductions, <Anyl wanna walk my dog round the blck every morning?>is not.

4 ■ -“i ,>’;e with theieproblems: Befriend your groomee by encouraging them to share their problems. Are they fed up v ’th their job? Is their partner cheating on them? Are

they feeling a little depressed? You may not give a damn but ii creates a useful bond between you.

5. | Share secre s: Deepen the bond by trusting your groomee with some secrets, This is the Critical phase Stan with uncuntroversial ScCrets like <1 fed worthless inside> and gradually link them io your interest eg. <Maybe I’d feel better if my bathroom wa> retiled>.

6 | Meet up.; After grooming them for a few hours, ask them to meet up; by now, they should trust you That’s no reason to trust them however, as the internet is foil of weirdos. Make Sure you tell a friend where you’ft going,and when you mean to return

7. | Reap the rewards’-. If you have groomed them properly, your groomee should be primed to do your bidding. Sit back as the follow youi orders to tidy up your garage, shampoo your catpet, teach you blackjack or whatever on earth it is you have groomed them to do.

Day 32

X/U1

THIS local neighbourhood says: stop the kerb-crawling!

Neighbourhood Watch Order: all house lights off at 11.30 p.m.

The people who live below enjoy extra loud sex on Saturday mornings (9 a.m.)

We don’t like strangers round these parts...

This neighbourhood castrates burglars on sight. You have been warned.

This neighbourhood is free of Ukrainians, and that’s how we all like it.

Anyone bnnging property prices down will be expelled from this postcode.

Become spokesperson for your neighbourhood today

A strong and united local community can help defeat crime littering, loneliness and other modern social vices.

Bring your neighbourhood together today: stick a sign in your front window that speaks up on its behalf.

Day 34

The loss of one person is a loss for the whole of humanity. You may never have met the deceased but something they did or someone they loved made an imperceptible difference to your world.

Funeral etiquette tor uninvited guests; wear dark glasses and stand at a reasonaoie distance, the way they do in films, as if you were the deceased’s secret lifelong lover mourning inconsolably. If your presence is queried by relatives, bring a little retrospective pizzazz to the departed’s life by saying “the CIA extends its condolences” or “you were his life, but I was his love” or suchlike.

Today gatecrash a funeral

You will never know them now, but their soul al least will have touched you. Read the obituaries every day for news of the dead and commemorate your loss by turning up at the funeral.

Day 35

How memorable is your everyday conversation? Today, find out

by writing down everything you say. Highlight the wittiest phrases.

Oscar Wilde .... 7i854T906j...... “Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast”

Dorothy Parker ,, ”(1893–1967).........

“I don’t care what is written about me so •tong’asririsrT’TTfCf^-

Tallulah Bankhead.. ”(1903:1968”.......

“If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same •mtsratosruti^ooner’1^

Benjamin Franklin ..... 11706–7790)............ “He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals”

,§a my.?,I. J oh nson..... ‘(1709–7784).....

“Of all noise I think music is the least disagreeable”

Day 36

CALL A CALL CENTRE IN INDIA AND GET THE STAFF TO TEACH YOU ABOUT THEIR CULTURE FOR A CHANGE

More and more companies are outsourcing their call centres to India, where the workforce is cheap and all speak perfect English. Staff are even made to watch EastEnders and Premier League football in order to understand English culture.

But why should the cultural interchange be one-way only? Take this opportunity to ask questions and learn about everyday life in India. Don’t worry how long the telephone call lasts, it’s courtesy of some multinational corporation!

Day 37

X CLAIM TO SEE X THE VIRGIN MARY

IN AN EVERYDAY OBJECT

This is an easy task, as evidenced by the numerous people who already do it every year. With a bit of imagination and creative effort, the Virgin Mary can be seen in a wide range of settings. Draw inspiration from these examples to create a plausible likeness. Call the Vatican, alert the media, set up a shrine and charge the impressionable faithful an admission fee. If people doubt you, overcome them with your faith by screaming “Do you see it? Do you see it?” at the top of your voice until they admit they do.

Email the Vatican: benedictxvifevatican.va

r | SENSE-LESS DAY

Go through today without using your sense of: hearing

Y CHEMISTS.

HOW TO: WAX EAR WklGS, AVAII

True story: Beethoven’s descent into deafness p.nd parcel of his myth. Less well-known is the extent to which his other serif . overcompensated. At a rehearsal of one of hrs later quartets in 1825, lead violinist Joseph Bohm took it upon himself to ignore a change in tempo (Meno vivace) without telling Beethoven, who by now was pretty thoroughly deaf.. Bohm related what happened: “Beethoven, crouched in a corner, heard nothing, but watched with strained attention. After the last stroke of the bows, he said laconically, ‘Let it remain so,’ went to the desks and crossed out the Meno vivace in the four parts.”

Day 39

ENVIRONMENT DAY: TEACH MOTHER EARTH WHO’S IN CHARGE HERE

According to the thinking of legendary environmental scientist James Lovelock, the impending climate crisis is Mother Earth’s way of fighting back. Lovelock posits an almost conscious Earth — “Gaia”- who is displeased with our human behaviour over the last few centuries, and intends to exact retribution by

getting rid of a few billion of us via the mechanism of climate change. Well, this is simply no way to behave in a civilized society. Today, let us teach “Gaia” who’s boss. A short sharp poke from all of us should bring her back in line, so that we can all live happily ever after as one big friendly ecosystem.

9. Take two nice hot baths a day

2. Spray CFCs into the atmosphere

7. Book as many cheap flights as you can afford

6. Insist on one plastic bag per shopping item

4. Run your appliances on empty

3. Burn a lump of coal a day

8. Never walk when you can drive

5. Turn up your radiators

1 0. Discard old batteries in a nearby well

1. Leave the lights on overnight

Day 41

Self-medication Day

Don’t just obey medical prejudices: trust your instinct to find the medicine that works for you. Plenty of modern cures were discovered by doctors administering the wrong drugs by mistake. These are Benrik’s own medical guidelines, but feel free to experiment and come up with your own.

Yellow and blue: Diseases of the knee | Blue and red: Heavy diarrhoea

Yellow and red: Cures swollen arteries | Red and white: When you find yourself on fire

Yellow and brown: For sex-related headaches | Black: Brings on sudden death

Ilk* | Dark and light green: Club foot | Orange and green: To put you in a bad mood

Yellow and green: Prevents bad dreams | Pink and green: Women’s troubles

Red and blue: Heavy constipation | Grey and white: Against boredom

^8sj| | Dark red and brown: Loss of limb | White: These have no effect, avoid

Advanced: medical cocktails. When you have mastered the basics of self-medication, you may progress to combining. It is advisable to try the combinations on a small animal beforehand, as even the most modern drugs can have serious negative side effects when mixed. In truth, not even Benrik have tried all combinations of the above; this will take a lifetime. But yellow/blue with red/pink is definitely best avoided.

This page is dedicated to the memory of Dribbles.

Day 42

TODAY CARRY A HIDDENJVEAPON

With street crime allegedly rife, perhaps you should go armed. Today conceal some means of defending yourself, like scissors or a hammer. Do you feel safer? Or does it merely ramp up your insecurity?

NOTE TO THE POLICE: This fine gentleman/lady/child is carrying a dangerous weapon as part of a Benrik mind experiment into the psychosociology of crime. Please do not arrest them. Benrik vouches for their peaceful nature.

Day 43

DRAFT YOUR SPEECH TO THE UN TODAY; Every year, the United Nations selects one average human being to make a speech alongside all the heads of state at the plenary meeting of the General Assembly in New York in September. This is your chance to influence the world! Draft your speech and send it to the UN (Office of the President of the General Assembly, United Nations, New York, NY 10017, USA). Here is a guide to the main types of speech, along with their likelihood of selection.

Political

Chance ot selection. 0/10

Hippie

Chance ot selection. 8/10

Mr Secretary General, Mr President, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen: Thank you for the privilege of being selected to speak as average representative of the human race. It is high time that the human race had a voice here, for since the UN’s founding, it has been nothing but a gentlemen’s club for the world’s fat cats, a transparent veneer on the global totalitarianism of the usual patriarchal 61ite. I am surprised that all of you here manage to keep a straight face as you pass resolution after resolution enforcing the status quo, and continue to despoil both the poor and the planet in the process. You are indeed united, not for the world, but against it. If you had any shame, you would disband now and return to your countries to be lynched by your countrymen. Then we might start anew, and humankind might stand a chance. Thank you.

Mr Secretary General, Mr President, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen: Thank you for the privilege of being selected to speak as average representative of the human race. I can’t believe everyone on the planet is listening to this, all the millions and billions and trillions of you, I mean it kind of blows my mind. Every word that I say is beamed straight into the hearts of the whole wide world, and that is truly awesome. I’m not an expert on the world’s problems like all of you, I’m sure you know what you’re doing. All I can offer is the people’s perspective. What do the people want? Well, the people want peace, that’s all. It’s a beautiful word, it’s a beautiful thing. It’s what the world wants, it’s what the world needs. In the words of another average Joe, “can’t we all just get along?” So please just keep that in mind as you debate geopolitical stuff. And I just want to say one final thing, to the children... There is hope. We’re doing this for you. We’re going to make it better, and that’s a promise. Peace. Thank you.

Paranoid

Chance ot selection-. 1/10

Alien

Chance ot selection 3/10

Mr Secretary General, Mr President, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen: Thank you for the privilege of being selected to speak as average representative of the human race. I know you’re trying to switch on the mind-control device you’ve implanted in my brain, but it’s not working you jackals’ I’m wearing a thick magnetic copper helmet that blocks all gamma rays. You can fool some people some of the time but you can’t fool all the people most of the time. I’m onto you guys, and don’t think you can scare me with your UN death squads and your black helicopters.

I used to be in ’Nam, and so I can hear choppers coming a mile away, medication or no medication! If any freedom-loving folks in the world are intercepting this transmission, please come and rescue me, I’m in the lair of the antichrist! Vade retro Satanas! You won’t take me alive, d’you hear! Thank you.

‘Mi Secretary General .Mr President, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen: Thank you for the privilege of being selected to speak as representative of the alien race. 1 am Sdfbxtrftptt, Vice Emperor of Zorg. Do not be alarmed at my appearance, my tentacular genitalia are quite harmless unless aroused. I have come to announce the temporary annexation of your planet. We Zorgoids have nearly run out of plankton, which as you must know powers all warp-drive space travel technology. Your planet’s oceans contain enough to last us three months, which isn’t much, but is better than nothing. Anyway, we have begun scooping it up this morning. We will not harm you humans directly, but as plankton is the basis of your food chain, its removal will soon spell the end of life on earth. so we strongly suggest you come up with a replacement. You have three months, starting now. Thank you.

Religion

History

Beliefs

Sacred text

Logo

“To avoid all that is evil, to cultivate what is good, to purify the mind.”

Founded hy Siddartha Gautama (the Buddha) in the 5^th century BC in what is now Nepal, Buddhism spread across much of Asia in the centuries following his death.

There is no God; we go through a succession of reincarnations, with our past actions influencing our next life. The cycle can he halted hy reaching enlightenment (nirvana), essentially through meditation and the Middle Way.

The

Tri-Pitaka.

Hinduism is one of the world’s oldest religions, originating over 3000 years ago near the river Indus, with complex roots and no single human founder.

There is a universal God or soul called Brahman, who is also expressed in the form of deities such as Krishna, Vishnu, Shiva, and Rama. Life is a great cycle of hirth, death and rehirth, governed hy Karma, the law of cause and effect.

The Bhagavad Gita, The Upanishads.

“The mind of man is the root of both bondage and release.”

Modern paganism covers most of the ancestral pre-monotheistic religions of the world, from Celtic druidry to Native American shamanism.

Nature and Mother Earth are spiritual, and are to he respected and worshipped, often in the guise of individual gods. The divine in nature has a strong feminine side, linked to the renewal and rehirth of the seasons.

The Golden Bough (Sir James George Frazer).

“The Earth is our Mother a and we must take care of her.”

(gtl|eigm)

Atheism is a relatively recent creed. Although the Greeks hinted at it, it only really took off with the Enlightenment. In the 19^th century, Darwin, Feuerhach and Nietzsche all contributed to its rapid spread. It is now the unofficial religion of the West.

There are no gods. Faith is mere superstition to comfort the feeble-minded and/or prop up oppressive power systems.

Thus Spake Zarathustra (Nietzsche).

“God is dead.”

G

islam

Founded hy the Prophet Muhammad in the 7^th century after a direct revelation from Allah, Islam swiftly spread hoth west (all the way to Spain) and east (all the way to China).

Allah is the one and only God. Islam was revealed to humanity hy Muhammad, Allah’s last prophet. We must obey the Qu’ran and surrender ourselves to Allah.

The Qu’ran.

“There is no God hut Allah, and Ji-Muhammad is hi !t messenger.” •

“I

Judaism was founded 3500 years ago by Ahraham and Moses — who led the Jewish people from Egyptian captivity to the Promised Land of Israel. Judaism has since accompanied the Jewish people in their dramatic history of exiles, persecutions and other tribulations.

There is only one God. The Jews are his chosen people.

The Torah.

“Hear O Israel, ^ the Lord our

God, tire Lord is One.”

CHRISTIANITY

Founded hy Jesus Christ, persecuted and crucified by the Romans for his heretical views. Said to have risen from the dead. Word spread hy his apostles, including Paul. Christians persecuted until Roman emperor Constantine converted in 312 CE.

Jesus is the son of God, sent by him to redeem humanity. He was crucified for our sins hut rose from the dead to join God in heaven.

The Bihle.

“Love Thy Neighbour As ^

Thyself.”

1<A “ >i’ a. r ‘ r rch< io is and sec w’ kh is best for you

rituals | Entry requirements | Commitment level | Popular appeal | How to try it out | Your rating

these vary according to 1 ic different traditions, jut meditation and some panting are usually in order. | Acceptance of the Four Noble Truths, The Eight Fold Path and the Five Precepts. | Medium. Risk of being reborn as a beetle of some description. | 350 million adherents worldwide, and an increasing influence on the Western popular worldview. | Sit in the lotus position for one hour with your eyes closed and your body relaxed, and focus solely on your breathing. |

offerings to the Gods, incitation of the Vedas, iblations, chanting of tantras. | Belief in the Vedas, in karma, dharma, and reincarnation. Being renamed (namakarana samskara). | Medium to high, depending on your caste. | Big in India of course. Appeal elsewhere restricted by its deep integration into Indian society, and by the bewildering variety of subgods. | Worship at your local Hindu temple today. | /10

. lusic, prayer, dance, onducted in sacred circles Outdoors on hilltops, in (laves, near large stones. | Willingness to participate in communal outdoor rituals. | Medium-high. Requires a bigh tolerance of public ridicule and/or accusations of deviant sexual practices. | Limited. Although neo-paganism has seen a resurgence, partly fuelled by tbe growth in ecological awareness, it is still a niche religion with a PR problem. | Head for Stonehenge tonigbt. | /IO

May adopt watered-down ersions of other religions’ ■tuals (weddings, funerals, Christmas). | None. | Used to involve being burnt at the stake. Now less risky. | Widespread. Most atheists are happy to just dismiss tbe whole religion thing, and hope like hell they don’t turn out to be wrong. | Look up at the night sky tonight and imagine us alone, quite alone. | /10

be five pillars of Islam are: ) Shahada (declaration of faith) ) Salat (prayer five times a ay) 3) Zakat (giving to charity very year) 4) Sawm (fasting uring Ramadan) 5) Hajj pilgrimage to Mecca at least nee in a lifetime). | Open to all who believe sincerely in its teachings. Reciting the Shabada three times in front of witnesses is all that is formally required to become a Muslim. | High. Islam requires more visible worship than most religions. | Over a billion adherents make it the second most popular faith in the world. Also the fastest-growing. | Attend Friday prayers at your local mosque. | /Yo

foo numerous to detail. | Being or becoming Jewish. To become Jewish: find a sympathetic rabbi, study Judaism, get circumcised if you are a man, appear before the Bet Din (ritual court), choose a Hebrew name, go to the mikveh (ritual bath). | High. Orthodox Judaism pervades everyday life. | Limited, as Judaism is not a proselytising faith. | Visit the synagogue today. | /TO

f Baptism, Confirmation, Eucharist. 2 | Belief in Jesus as our saviour. Baptism. | High in theory, variable in practice. | Most popular faith in the world, witb over 2 billion followers. | Go to church today. | /I0

Day 45

Sexual skeletons:

Childhood skeletons:

Miscellaneous skeletons:

Benrik note: Let He Who Is Without Sin Cast The First Stone (The Bible)

Let the skeletons out of your closet today Everyone has at least one thing in their past that they would hate to see come out. If you have lived to the full, you probably have several. Today, Benrik declare an amnesty: write down your shameful hidden past on this page, and present it to those around you. Secrets will out — better your loved ones find out this way than through their own devices.

Relationship skeletons:

Professional skeletons:

Criminal skeletons:

Day 46

Aeroplane | Midget

Tonight, control your dreams Freud postulated that our dreams are essentially the recombined elements of things that had affected us during the day. Today, think very hard about these three things and see if they crop up in your dreams tonight.

Today, make friends with every child you see

If we don’t, the paedophiles will have defeated us.

If everyone does this together, we will teach children to trust in their fellow human beings.

Public hysteria about paedophiles means we are teaching our kids to distrust strangers instinctively.

Reverse this trend by smiling and saying hi to as many kids as possible today, whether accompanied or not.

3 ANTI ■ PAEDOPHILE

I DAY

In the long-term, this will have a hugely detrimental effect on society — we are literally breeding fear of others.

Day 48

>AY

‘Via®

‘Uf^ M«nera‘ ^ ^

panic-b^y*-Water1,

Pan*?^

Modem civili

hangs by 9 thre

Our economies are now based on j iteftis #boye^sparkw^^nati< just-in-time manufacture and delivery chain reaction that will bwf# ‘ ’ | capitalism to its knees, ^r dl

force a Compi ^-^nsive ri^^

processes, so that any sudden and unforeseen run on a production thrust the whole system into r jeltdown.

onwide jobgi

of modern retailing techniques.

faisal

Eye contact: communication before words. Monkeys stare each other down. Be the alpha male. Who dares stand up to you? Bite their head off, that’ll learn them. Grrrr.

Day 49

Make prolonged eye contact with everyone you meet

Day 50

FREE PET DAY!

Put a lost dog ad up and see whether one turns up

fig-1 | fig-2 | fig.3

KEY ELEMENTS OF ANY SUCCESSFUL LOST DOG AD

fig.l Positioning: tree is traditional, or lamp post.

fig.2 Photo: poor quality photocopy, hinting at nationwide magnitude of your search and maximizing the range of dogs that look a bit like that.

fig.3 Reward: keep this bit vague, that way you’ll always be able to fob them off with a cheap chocolate bar or similar lame effort.

fig.4 | Description: favour the emotional over the

descriptive. “My darling bulimic daughter Lizzie’s little puppy has gone and she hasn’t stopped crying since, please help restore her faith in life” is more motivational than “Fox terrier, 7 years old, brownish, answers to the name dog”.

fig.5 | Headline: LOST DOG works best usually.

fig.6 | Phone number: might attract psychos, but fairly essential.

Day 51

The sea of change

0

v A «THE J ; A CROWN tCARMACY >J£WE<

~ (T LS

‘I S_X •BQDWOSfflWHOSEUS/

? LM-DOWESiei&POST- f 0 ^/^J) ‘SOHO CARDS I । S’^London /

o

Manchester^

ENGLISH S«GAKFAST a n #f^h z

THE

0

“’•CHIPS^-’

• FISH 4CHIPS

Brighton

Tl FALGAR •> S0UAR

ALL / SAR J Atlt^

• «f««\ HAA JI

S3 ww ^Stat>on @ragro® North “

/the • LONDON DUNGEON

• WIMTTOH /•

CHURCHIl^ZPCjJS

DOUBU-J DECKER

WEST END •MUSICAL

Haynes

i • Beatles ^Wi?

NOTTING

Zj^CMOOLS Stone\

-/*scHj”sehed(ie\* Heathrow

I •wtiMAM SHAKSPeMiC V

->. It are playing “ute ^qi? x_> J here tonignt .RA,„

✓—A PUBLIC HANGING | FR£f

ENGLANDS (^•B/OT •w‘”t°i’»« «^’V ^ne <

pa’K

• THE ’ OUEEN LIVES HERE

4ack pcol the Ripper> |and

__/ •SPieroiRis

Oxford* ^•Madame tuSeest/ ‘ TuSSaud’S •HujhGraMJ, • COJ..planet HOLLTWOo’ ^•se-f—X Fl Z—1

Um Id) 11/ ^^^

DANCING IRISHMEN

fawCt?^ TO Wilts

If

Anqus< stedk-house

• A PUB

2

DO . v*

ROLLING i^JW*4 stones J^; .^ SlS©©^—x^tvCZ

• PUDDING I. PA

■^aroiTK

A*/

Today mislead a tourist

The world would be a brighter place if tourists got lost more regularly. When an inquisitive foreigner asks his way today, send him off in an unexpected direction. He’s read about all the obvious landmarks in his guidebook anyway.

Day 52

Self-acupuncture Day

Acupuncture is now widely recognized as an effective cure for a wide variety of ills. However it is still beyond the reach of many, while others still may feel slight embarrassment at exposing themselves for treatment. That is why Benrik are

providing this self-acupuncture chart. Simply buy some needles and stick them in at the relevant acupuncture points, taking care not to push them in too far (half an inch is about right). Soon your Qi will flow unimpeded again, and your troubles will abate.

1 Headache, 2. Eye inflammation, 3. Bronchitis, 4. Asthma, D. Earache, 6. Migraine, 6B. Chilblain, 7. Neck pain, 8. Dry lips, 8B. Cold sores, 9. Hair loss, 10. Furry tongue, 10C. Consumption, 11. General problems, 12. Sluggish circulation, 11C. Pimples, 1 3. Toothache, 14A. Delirium Tremens, 14. Dizziness, 15. Stress, 16. Anxiety, 17. Cleft palate, 18. Tinnitus, 19. Allergy to nuts, 19A. Wisdom tooth (left), 20. Obesity, 20G. Dropsy, 21. Elbow ache, 22. High blood pressure, 23. Low blood pressure, 24. Bedwetting, 25. Lockjaw, 25A. Dry soles, 26. Menstrual problems, 27. Sore nipples, 28E. Diarrhoea, 29. Fatigue, 30. Involuntary erection, 31. Brittle fingernails, 2AA. Depression, 33. Liver complaint, 331. Scrofula, 34. Pancreatic malfunction, 35. Excessive bile, 36. Sore toes, 37. Excessive saliva, 38. Haemorrhoids, 39. Gout, 40. Irregular heartbeat, 40B. Epilepsy, 40C. Sunburn, 51. Bad breath, 52. Achilles’ heel pain, 53. Sleepiness

Day 53

so

Send your DNA to the authorities today | These days, it is only too easy for an innocent citizen to get mixed up in some global security scare by mistake. You may be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or an acquaintance may mention you | K

under torture. Or the computer may have you confused with someone with a similar name. Before | §

you know it, you’re off to an interrogation camp in the middle of nowhere for five yearsl Avoid such | g

difficulties by volunteering your DNA ahead of time. Send it to the world’s leading security services, k and they’ll be able to check you off their “suspects” lists early on in any investigation, for guaranteed g peace of mind. Here is where to send your DNA. Careful! Each security service has its preferred form of DNA. Make sure you send the right one to avoid complications.

FSB | PREFERRED DNA FORMAT: vial of blood Dear FSB, Just in case you were suspecting me, I’m sending you my DNA so you can rule me out of your investigations. Bye for now. send to: fsb, 1/3 Bolshaya Lubyanka UI., 101000, Moscow, Russia

Interpol | PREFERRED DNA FORMAT: toenail CUttingS Dear Interpol, with so much crime being international these Jays, you can’t be too carefill. Chech my DNA and cross me off your list! send to: Interpol General Secretariat, 200, Quai Charles de Gaulle, 69006 Lyon, France

FBI | PREFERRED DNA FORMAT: lock of hair Dear FBI, Please record my DNA and check my name off your “most wanted” list. Thank you. send to: Federal Bureau of Investigation, J. Edgar Hoover Building, 935 Pennsylvania Avenue, nw, Washington, d.c. 20535–0001, usa

MI5 | preferred dna format: urine sample DearMI5, I’m a law-abiding citizen. I have nothing to fear, now or in the future. Here’s my DNA for safe storage. send to: My, Thames House, Millbank, PO Box 3255, London swip iae, uk

MSS | preferred dna format: small jar of earwax Dear Ministry of State Security, I doubt I am on your list of suspects, butjust in case, here’s my DNA to prove my innocence. send to: Ministry of State Security, 14 Dongchang’an Street, Doncheng District, Beijing, China

CIA | PREFERRED DNA FORMAT: SWab of Saliva Dear CIA, I’m innocent! But here’s my DNA anyway, just so yoit can be 100% sure. Good luck. send to: Central Intelligence Agency, c/o Office of Public Affairs, Washington, d.c. 20505, usa

Day 54

Mass Social Experiment

OUT OF ORDER

Cut out and stick this sign on any item of public infrastructure you might encounter today, including, but not limited to: lifts, rubbish trucks, cranes, phone booths, toilets, ventilation units, escalators, entrances to tube stations; the aim is to achieve comprehensive social breakdown across the UK.

Day 55

Today write and thank your most influential teacher

You’ve been very naughty by not doing this much earlier though, so you have to write it 100 times!

Day 56

TODAY, LET CORRUPT

POWER

YOU

Make the check-out girl ring all your purchases through agai

Insist that the receptionist changi the flowers’ water

Return th.s book co us for a refund claiming it’s rubbish

Force the pizza delivery guy to go back for extra anchovies

Order rhe wine waiter to get you a cleaner glass

Bully your tamily members to let you hold the remote

Require your visitors to take off their shoes

Demand that your secretary retype the letter in italics

WE ALL ENJOY SOME FORM OF

POWER: TODAY LET IT GO TO YOUR HEAD AND ABUSE IT...

fo^’-^^t^

new Hfe^ 1

£V£R z ^AY, aw

0f20217^ BABIES

BO&H WORLpwi^^ ^ that’s c ns new are

PLANCT W«Y 2$ S&

bCl to your meakest MATERNITY WARD ANd WELCOME o*E °F HE WTTtE 6U’ ■

Day 58

Today, praise an unsung achievement

Dear Sir,

I would like to say how much

I enjoyed your review of Driving Miss Daisy in today’s TV Weekly. ‘Funny in parts but disappointing ending, watch if you’re in’ is as succinct and perspicuous a critique as one could wish to read. Thank you.

Dear Madam,

I was very taken by your weather update this morning on television. The way you explained the anticyclone’s movements across the British Isles was pure poetry in motion and brought meteorology to life for me.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I purchased a pack of your toothpicks yesterday and I must confess I have never come across such marvellously crafted specimens! My mouth has not felt this clean for 65 years! Keep up the good work.

Gentlemen!

Please pass on my congratulations to the receptionist who transferred my call to your sales department this afternoon at 3.43pm; she did it so smoothly and in such a friendly manner that I hardly noticed the wait!

Dear Neighbour, Sorry for bothering you with this note, but I can no longer keep quiet. The way you deal with your rubbish never fails to inspire me. Your bags are beautifully tied yet quite hermetic and resistant to squirrels. You have all my respect.

Officer,

I live at 34B and watch you patrolling the street every day. Your posture is magnificent. You strike the perfect balance between scaring off the criminal mind, and reassuring the householder. Bravo! (I have sent a copy of this letter to your superiors.)

Day 59

in. alt t^aur (jHW&ntd’i Mt $

fry to do it without sounding clumsy. Here are some suggestions.

“Lovely weather, isn’t it?” — “Yes, though that cloud over there looks a bit vortex-shaped”. “This business report makes for interesting reading” — “Indeed. It lies at the vortex of cruciality”. “Did you see that programme on television last night?” — “What, the one about the vortex?”

MAKE THE DA I AI LAMA LOSE HIS TEMPER TODAY

Stamp on passing beetles

Try converting him to your religion

Hum the Chinese

National Anthem

Bribe him to improve your karma

Chant everything he says back at him

Complain that yoga has damaged your back

Request that he put a curse on your enemies

Ask him why he’s in exile if his gods are so great

Invite him over to the dark side

The Dalai Lama is the epitome of self-control. You have much to learn from him. Seek him out today and ask for an audience. You may not have much time with him for he is a busy man, so bring out his self-control by provoking him as inanely as you can. If he stays calm, you will have witnessed the power of a trained mind. If he becomes angry, you will have gained an appreciation of the limits of human self-discipline and won’t feel so guilty when you lose your own rag.

The Dalai Lama lives in Dharamsala in the north Indian state of Himachal Pradesh, but fortunately for you, he is due ro give a series of talks in Nottingham, UK, this coming weekend, entitled Bringing Meaning to Our Lives. Contact the Office of Tibet in London for details and get a front-row seat (tel: 020 7722 5378, fax. 020 7722 0362). N.B. The visit took place late May 2008. He kept his temper.

Day 61

Check that your sex life is normal today

We get most of our information about what constitutes a normal sex life from the media. But Cosmo and Hollywood are hardly the most reliable guides to what goes on in real bedrooms. Today, overcome your coyness: fill in this questionnaire and ask your peer group to assess how much you deviate from the sexual straight and narrow.

Sum up your sexual life:

VIRGINITY Lost? Yes □ No □ At age: | To: | INTERCOURSE Regular? Yes □ No □ Frequency: | per | day/week/month/year With: |

NUMBER OF PARTNERS One (self) □ One (other) □ Several (number): |

FANTASIES Favourite: | Secret: | Repressed: | VENEREAL DISEASES None | □ Embarrassing | □ Life-threatening | □

FETISH Legal: | Illegal: | Law doesn’t even acknowledge it: |

Ask your friends for their opinion:

FRIEND’S NAME | FRIEND’S VERDICT ON YOUR SEX LIFE

1 | Normal □ Boring □ Perverted □ Friendship terminated □

2 | Normal □ Boring □ Perverted □ Friendship terminated □

3 | Normal □ Boring □ Perverted □ Friendship terminated □

4 | Normal □ Boring □ Perverted □ Friendship terminated □

5 | Normal □ Boring □ Perverted □ Friendship terminated □

Day 63

Make a non-obscene phone call today

Call a stranger at random and whisper nice things about them down the line

Your pnone has

I admire the way you keep your

front garden so well-tended

Your voice is so strong I bet you’re a baritone

a lovely ring

I noticea your name as soon as I opened the phone book

Every word you say has the feel of self-confidence

I bet if we met we’d be friends straightaway

Maybe it’s a fancy, but i could swear I can smell your sweet scent down the phone

Even when you curse it sounas like pure poetry

Don’t hang up, I want this conversation to last forevei

If no one’s home, leave a message: Hello this is just to prepare you mentally for when I come up to you in the street and hug you tight you don’t know me but I feel like I’ve known you a very long time now and I just think you’re super so don’t worry I could tell you what I look like but that would ruin the surprise anyway I look forward to meeting you very soon good night CLICK

Day 64

Trust someone with your life today

7

Deepen the bonds between you and a close friend today and experience the vulnerability and liberation that ensues.

Trust them to guide you on a railway platform with your eyes closed. Trust them to prepare your dose of medication. Trust

to post that death threat to a mafioso that you signed.

Advanced: to truly test your faith in mankind, try this with a complete stranger. Good luck.

Day 65

THIS PAGE AND SWAT IT

Day 66

appendix t^fday

the human appendix is generally dismissed by the medical profession

as a vestigial organ, that is, an organ that was once useful but is now obsolete in evolutionary terms. Conventional wisdom holds that it only merits our attention when it becomes inflamed to the point where it must be removed. This is a short-sighted view. There is another school of thought: the appendix may be beginning its evolutionary journey, gradually growing into an organ with new capacities that we can scarcely yet imagine, such as telepathy, or the ability to digest Martian foodstuffs. Today, try turning your appendix on and triggering these new and wonderful functions.

Method 1:

^OPPOWiO L

Stand with your appendix pressed against the riicrowave door for three hours on high power.

Method 2:

s,riO0 cofW’

Method 3:

imvdug pc some Strap your mobile phon over your appendix so that it is bathed in electromagnetic wa throughout the da

Method 4:

ACUIPMIMCWCtE

If the above methods fail, procure an acupuncture needle and insert into the appendix directly. Tty

Today: sketch someone opposite you on public transport and see how they react

In case of violent reaction, show them this:

The bearer of this document has been mandated by the public transport authorities to effect paper likenesses of individual users of aforesaid public transport facilities for the purposes of national security. Civilians are asked to cooperate with enquiries under pain of prosecution.

Day 68

Father’s name..............

Father’s age..............

Father’s age when he met my mother..............

Father’s age when he had me..............

Degree of certainty that he is my father............../10

What I call my father

Dad □ Daddy □ Father □ Papa □ Pop □ Bastard □

Other..............

DONT

GENERAL | NO ™

My hither has provided me | with | a sense | of stability | □ | □ | □

My father has provided me | with | a sense | of security | □ | □ | □

My father has provided me | with | a sense | of purpose | □ | □ | □

My father’s relationship with my mother has made me feel that loving relationships are: the norm | □ | □ | □

hard work | □ | □ | □

a bitter illusion | □ | □ | □

MEN

My father’s relationship with me:

...has been that of a positive role model which has enabled me to identify with him and develop into a well-balanced male □ ...has been that of an overpowering tyrant, nipping my confidence in the bud and leading to repressed violence and depression □ ...has been absent, leaving me with an unresolved Oedipal conflict and a confused sexual identity | □

WOMEN

My fether’s relationship with me:

...has allowed me to deal with the Electra complex to the point where I can enjoy fulfilling relationships with men □ ...has fostered a dependency on overtly callous men whom

I normally expect to leave me after a few months at best □ ...has turned me into a distrustful shrew who avoids men and indeed close relationships in general | □

Timer

Suicide bom

1 ■ >i»

Basement

Sunni

Hostage

Perverted^

Biohazard visions

Every™, ere

Wahhabism

“ ■ TODAY, “ ■ SCARE YOURSELF

A- ihilati —

Oft thr

4-year-old

Released

Quar ntine Abduction

Outbreak Jungle

Deviant

Coughing

Bleeding

SHITLESS

Fear gets a bad press. Yet it has a positive effect: it brings us together. Suicide rates go down in times of national emergency, as

Tora Bora

Indecent picti Ite ’

desperate individuals once again feel part of L^efy 9> society. It is no coincidence that after the end of the Cold War, we soon found another global threat to keep ourselves suitably terrified.

Today, embrace fear: scare yourself and others by discussing the threats below non-stop, and enjoy the resulting comradeship. Roadside bo

Contagious World Trade Centre S^ | Gla^sroo t .... | Pa6d° M^‘V A —

t | Internet | ‘ | “ | ’

Matburg | Afghanistan ‘ Abuse ring | A| Qaeda

‘ | Internal organs Taliban

—. TERRORISM — ^

SERIAL KILLERS

Beheading

Monkeys

■ anib.

Black vomit

Deadly

Panic “ CANCER ‘ Operation Ore a”h

NUCLEAR WAR “

...

CHILD ABUSE

?Utc e-ed Playground

Bting back

-.h on

hanging

Appeal

M #’ — sh- ,

EBOLA T™

i.ocal communi tishroom clou

Yemen

fa .

* rusty.

inocence

r’nrvini i&earc

Haemorrhage

Warheads

Psychopa ‘purges Sputum.

Jihad | Fluids

Epidemic

Weapohization

1 ntarnaHmnol

odybagt

Conspiracy | Evacuat

M d <”’

Day 70

Today confuse future archaeologists by dating things wrongly

The historian of tomorrow has it too easy. Complicate matters slightly by picking an item of consumer electronics, elating it 23/05/1778 in marker pen, and burying it in your back garden. Thousands of years from now, you could be the cause of a major re-evaluation of Late Second Millennium history.

^•■■^Enter Miss £&rMr World

Miss W “i vlW^Tts male counterpart Mr World are eagerly-awaited global events, on a par with the Olympics or the World Cup. The reason for their appeal? They don’t just focus on the competitors’ appearance, but also on their inner beauty. There is thus no reason why you shouldn’t stand a good chance of winning, provided your personality is in good shape. Apply to Miss World Organization, enclosing a photo.

Dear organizers,

Please include me in your selection process for the next Miss World/Mr World. I believe I deserve to win because:..............

Name:..............

Address:

Date of birth:

Height:....

Statistics:

Occupation:

Dream:.....

Hobbies:

I support world peace □

I don’t support world peace □

Send to; Miss/Mr World Organization, c/o TWI Interactive Limited, Burlington Lone London. W4 2TH, UK.

Day 72

Judgement Day is looming! Prepare for it ahead of time with our “Judgement Day Self-Assessment” form below. On the day itself simply hand it in to God, who will appreciate your time-saving efforts and award you a bonus point!

MY GOOD DEEDS | MY SINS | OTHER

Helped blind person across street Comforted crying child Returned lost wallet Gave to worthwhile charity Loved my neighbour Cured the sick Fed the hungry Did a good turn Helped the aged Saved a cat from up a tree Rewound videos before returning them Planted a tree Forgave an enemy Went to church Have been a good listener Was faithful to my spouse Dried the dishes without being asked Rescued family from house on fire Adopted a stray dog Prayed in earnest Found a family for ugly orphan Total | Fornicated with strangers Lied to my own mother Murdered my father Stole ice cream from a child Engaged in sodomy (repeatedly) Padded out my expense claims Envied everyone 1 ever met Lied about my age to lover Was gluttonous as a baby Chronically undertipped hookers Made greed my true religion Sacrificed goats to Satan Talked behind backs Secretly despised my children “Borrowed” library book forever Shoplifted pornography Masturbated uncontrollably Listened to Alice Cooper backwards Stole from the cookie jar Skipped Sunday school Told orphan they were ugly Total | Drank semi-skimmed milk Knitted green jumper Tried to repair toaster to no avail Kept CDs in alphabetical order Always sat in front row at movies Preferred pepper to salt Holidayed in the Bahamas twice Enjoyed chess as a hobby Had a friend named Toby Kept a goldfish for 4 years Worked in a bar whilst travelling Visited long-lost cousin in Scotland Read mostly non-fiction Broke a leg skiing Went to Jon Bon Jovi concert Played the lottery regularly Never really had favourite film Redecorated spare bedroom in fuchsia ! Sent total of 658 postcards Rose to senior manager position Saw documentary about orphanage once Total |

If your sins exceed your good deeds, you’re going to hell buddy! Unless you make up the deficit between now and midnight. If your other deeds preponderate, God will decide your fate on a passing whim, or maybe even by tossing a coin, who knows.

TODAY, THREATEN A FOREIGN COUNTRY Diplomacy is too important to be left to the government. Todav speak for the land of vour birth on the international stage bv sending this ultimatum to a country of vour choice.

Dear Leader of ..............

I have so far tolerated your behaviour in the spirit of international forbearance, but enough is enough.

I am hereby issuing you with an ultimatum. Either you desist from your obnoxious course of action, or I shall be forced to invade. I have the full backing of my country’s government and its armed forces, which are at the ready to give you a drubbing, should you prevaricate on this matter. You have until 11.59pm tonight to respond. Truly, you will rue the day you offended me. Yours sincerely,

speaking on behalf of ..............(country)

Day 75

Insure your best featuretoday

Since Hollywood star Betty Grable insured her legs for $lm in the 1940s, actors and models have rushed to Lloyds of London to get their favourite body parts covered. Why shouldn’t you? Call them for a quote on your finest asset on 020 7327 5448. Here is a rough guide to what you can expect to pay.

Nose (cute) Value: £5,890 Premium: £54.O3/month

Nose (crooked) Value: £167 Premium: £3.63/month

Hairy hands Value: £2S1 Premium: £7.88/month

Smile

Value: £1,545 Premium: £23/month

Suckable big toes Value: £3,208 Premium: £39.75/month

Personality Value: £7 Premium: £O.55/month

Brain

Value: £84,000 Premium: £231.65/month

Je ne sais quoi Value: £28,709 Premium: £158.42/month

Research zombie behaviour. Rent out a couple of classic zombie movies to learn their wants, needs, likes, dislikes and, most importantly, what it takes to either stop them or hold them at bay.

Gather any items and tools needed, including boards, hammers, and nails to board up windows and doors. Also procure weaponry to fight them off as they try to breach your defences, e.g. chainsaws, shotguns or even golf clubs.

W0

Stockpile non-perishable food, just in case the zombie invasion lasts days rather than hours.

mw

Do a dry run: board up your house, liming the exercise. Don’t worry what the neighbours think they will most likely be part of any potential zombie horde anyway.

Day 77

FREELANCE AS A TRAFFIC WARDEN TOW8

With the best will in the world, traffic warden firms like NCP can’t cover the whole country, and therefore miss out on thousands of potential fines a day. Today, look out for illegally-parked cars, call the traffic warden company lo alert them to their location, and claim 10°/o of the fine. Given an average fine of £80, you could make £8 for a mere ten seconds’ work. And you’ll be helping to enforce parking regulations into the bargain! Place these “freelance parking tickets” on the windshield so that the traffic warden company can arrange payment.

FREELANCE

PARKING TICKET

Ticket No:..............

FREELANCE

PARKING TICKET

Ticket No;..............

VEHICLE:

VEHICLE:

Make:

Model:..............

Make:..............Model:..............

Colour:..............Registration | No:..............

Colour:..............Registration | No:..............

PARKING OFFENCE:

Date:..............Time:..............

Location:..............

Description:..............

Fine £:..............

PARKING OFFENCE:

Date:..............Time:..............

Location:..............

Description:..............

Fine £:..............

FREELANCE TRAFFIC WARDEN

Name:..............

Address:..............

Phone number:..............

Signature:..............

FREELANCE TRAFFIC WARDEN

Name:..............

Address:..............

Phone number..............

Signature:..............

Offence confirmed

I certify that the above vehicle was parked in violation of parking law on the abova data and time. Thie preliminary ticket was issued by a freelancer and must be confirmed by a regietered traffic warden. I have called a registerad treffic anforcemant compeny end they ere on thair wey to verify the offanca and issua e full penalty ticket. Please pay 10% commiseion of the ebove fina directly into my bank account No;..............Sort | code;.........

Benk:..............Thenkyoul

Offence confirmed

I certify that the above vehicla was parked in violation of parking law on the above date and time. This preliminary ticket was issuad by e freelancer and must be confirmed by a registered traffic warden, I hava called a registered traffic enforcement company and they are on their way to verify the offence and issue a full panelty tickat. Pleaee pey 10% commission of the abova fina directly into my bank account No:..............Sort | code;..........

Bank;..............Thank | you!

FREELANCE

PARKING TICKET

Ticket No:..............

FREELANCE

PARKING TICKET

Ticket No:..............

VEHICLE:

Make:..............Model:...........

Colour:..............Registration No:

VEHICLE:

Make:..............Model:...........

Colour:..............Registration No:

PARKING OFFENCE:

Date:..............Time:..............

Location:..............

Description:..............

Fine £:..............

PARKING OFFENCE:

Date:..............Time:..............

Location:..............

Description:..............

Fine £:..............

FREELANCE TRAFFIC WARDEN

FREELANCE TRAFFIC WARDEN

Name:..............

Address:..............

Phone number:..............

Signature:..............-..............

Name:..............

Address:..............

Phone number:..............

Signature:..............

Offence confirmed

I certify thet the above vehicle was perked in violation of parking lew on tha ebove dete and time. This preliminary ticket was issued by a freelancer end must be confirmad by a regietared traffic warden. 1 heve called e registered traffic enforcement company and they ere on thair wey to varify the offance end issue a full penalty ticket. Please pey 10% commieeion of the ebove fine directly into my benk account No:..............Sort | coda:.........

Bank;..............Thenkyoul

Offence confirmed

I certify that tha above vehicle was perked in violation of perking law on the above dete and time. This preliminary tickat was issuad by e freelancer and must be confirmed by a registered traffic werden. 1 hava celled e registered traffic enforcement company end thay ara on thair way to verify the offence and issue a full penalty ticket. Pleese pay 10% commission of tha above fine directly into my bank eccount No:..............Sort | code:..........

Bank:..............Thank | you I

Day 79

fOLLOW Y018 HOROSCOPE’S ADVICE TO Il II:. tETTJ-R TH1 AY

lb help, we’ve had this one designed scientifically, by the world’s leading expert.

Crack your knuckles slowly as they speak

Tear the wings off a nearby fly

Put your cigarette out in their coffee

Clean your nails with a kitchen knife

Snap a pencil in two, preferably theirs

Headbutt the wall next to their head

Caress their cheek ominously

Threaten to chop their damn neck off and stuff their eviscerated bowels down it if they don’t make your life smoother

Today, solve problems with the threat of violence

Well-known Hollywood legend Dennis Hopper used to facilitate script meetings by placing a couple of loaded handguns on the table in front of him. And indeed, the threat of force was how things got done for millions of years before we evolved language and degenerated into a consensus-seeking species. Today, see

if your life runs more smoothly through sheer physical intimidation. Pick one or several of these tried-and-tested techniques: whichever is most appropriate to the situation in hand. All of them should be accompanied by a pregnant unflinching stare at whoever you are trying to intimidate.

PRAY TO OUT-OF-DATE GODS TODAY

Before the spirit-crushing advent of monotheism, there used to be a much wider variety of gods. By now, however, they are extremely bored, and so will act with extra diligence on behalf of anyone who bothers invoking them. Today, give it a try. Who knows — if it worked for the Vikings, it could work for you.

God | Minerva | Expertise Wisdom | Background Daughter of Jupiter | Typical prayer Dear Minerva daughter of Jupiter, J am ‘ being offered a 3-year fixed rate mortgage with no redemption penalties at 3.13’7, y 12000 cashback. ‘Veil me what to do. | .

I ..oki ■ | Trouble | Murderer of Balder, the son of Odin and Frigg | Deal Loki, my neighbour is aggravating : me with his loud “metal” music. Please kill him in the night (discreetly), | ■

Joji | । Thanatos | Death | Brother of Hypnos | Dear Thanatos, my cousin has cancer of the thyroid. Leave him alone or J’ll fucking come after you myself | ■

I | u | Nerthus | Fecundity | Sister and vv ife of NjOrd | 1 Nerthus, I have been trying for a baby with my husband for six months now. Before we resort to IVF, would you mind trying to help? We would call the child after yon..

if | g : | i Poseidon | < )cean | Son of Cronus and Rhea, brother of Zeus | Poseidon, please sheathe thy trident until we dock hi Calais as these rough seas are reversing my digestive process.

$ | Ra | Sun | Father of Shu and Tefnul | Dear Ra, we will be holidaying in Malaga from the 13^th Io the 19^th of \pril. Could you please ensure we enjoy mostly sunshine with little, to no cloud cover?

Moloch | Infant sacrifice | “Abomination of the children of Ammon” | Deal- Moloch, my 9-year-old is running wild. 1 do not wish to spank him. Could you please give him a fright of some kind (apparition, threat of sacrifice etc.)? Thanks in advance.

/Su | \ Mars | War, . carnage | Earth-god, father of Romulus ■ and Remus | Dear Mars, would yon mind preventing the dissemination of chemical and biological ■weapons of mass destruction? Spears and arrows, were just fine..

Day 82

Today speak the UNSPEAKABLE

In our verbally incontinent society, recover the power of words by finding something you cannot actually bring yourself to say out loud in public.

Day 83

Help finish roadworks today

Roadworks are a constant source of frustration to city dwellers. No sooner is one hole filled than another is dug, often in the very same place, and left unmanned for days. Today, speed matters along: find a hole where no work seems to be proceeding. Stick one or several of the messages below on pipes, barriers or other infrastructure where you judge they may bring works to a swifter conclusion.

xxxxx

Obsolete Mains Water

REMOVE

REWIRE

URGENT!

EXCLUSION ZONE

OBSTRUCTION IN PIPE

Bore in with pneumatic drill at 30°.

NATI

RID

TREATED CAUTION!

WASTE (JOT

HAZCHEM RISK 0 ■ | V

Day 84

DOES CHEESE REALLY GIVE YOU NIGHTMARES?

Find out by eating 100g of one of the following and recording your dreams.

GORGONZOLA (vampires)

Danish blue (zombies)

GRUYERE (castration anxiety)

PARMESAN

(friends deserting you)

(loss of loved one)

BRIE

(falling from great height)

EMMENTAL (going to hell)

ROCQUEFORT (general sweatiness)

Day 85

Disgrace Day

10am I’ve been made redundant Support | □ | Today, tell everyone you’ve lost your job, home and place in society, and see who still talks to you. When the chips are down, who are your real friends? |

Betrayal | □ | 11am Actually, 1 was fired |

2pm I’ve been “using” for years now Support | □ | Support | □ |

Betrayal | □ | 12pm 1 was fired for stealing |

Betrayal | □ | 3pm / normally sell my body to get the money | Support | □ |

Betrayal | □ | 1 pm 1 stole to pay for my heroin habit

6pm My family have disowned me Support | □ |

Support | □ Betrayal | □ | 4pm But 1 caught genital herpes as a result Support | □ Betrayal | □ | Support | □ Betrayal | □

Betrayal | □ |

The police are looking for me Support | □ | 5pm My partner has kicked me out

Betrayal | □ | 8pm I’m totally bankrupt Support | □ | Support | □ Betrayal | □

Betrayal | LI | 9pm Can 1 stay at your place for a while? Betrayal | □

Stages of disgrace: reveal the extent of your disgrace gradually, noting whether they support you at each stage.

Day 86

Today return to childhood

Toilet training: did it mess you up? Toilet training is a crucial formative influence on your life. As you sit on the potty today, see if it triggers any repressed memories that may have helped ruin your life. Do you feel aggressive at work or in traffic? Do you feel like emotions are bottling up inside? Do you want to just let rip? Then chances are you may be suffering from TTS (Toilet Training Syndrome). Unfortunately there is no cure, though it may sometimes help to sue your parents.

“You have a great figure, do you work out?”

“Are you ok there, you look a bit stressed?’

“Can I buy you a drink?”

“Can you sign my petition against sex offenders moving in next door?”

“Would you know where the

nearest recycling centre is?”

Day 88

T^^Jp^SLEEP SOMEONESEE^J sleepWatchingis ^^atching someone he nothing more relaxing * ^ate of deep trusting asleep in front of you,inof daily life, peace, free of the c^es and^ ^^nce,

It induces a feeling o | ^ sleepet atld the

a Zen-like onenes | atchyoUr partner

world at large-Today, | P and nOtiCe the

for at least four hours g^ ^ ^ a far difference in your ^^pwatchm^ buddy

SAFETY GUIDELINES

S“ eoeV S^’3”?^ y0U 9ain ,he prior “nsent knoXdn? Sle®Pwatch,ng someone without their i : knowledge ,s unethical, impractical, and could cause i i misunderstandings if they suddenly woke up. | i

i maybe^l’o^f vn’ *heJela^^ | benefits of sleepwatching j

i ? / end up sleepwatching a heavy snorer ; 5 nos^uXhT ° ^ “T ^ °r 9en”y pinchin9 ’heir ..nostrils until the snoring abates. | ;

^T’^^ As Wi,h snorin9’ sleepwalking can detract I from the sleepwatching experience. Try to steer the i A balconied fr°m ‘!|e ’bre^en’ng situations such I a? balconies, and coax them back to bed. | ;

difficuh to^ The i Tner sleepwatchar “ay find it | i

thS r . y aWak& “ ‘S racommended to bring a | i

thermos Of strong coffee to sustain you through the first = ...T’Af er a whlle’your b°dy wi” get used to not sleeping. |

Inappropriate behaviour: Sleepwatching involves a । Undeer no°nd ^ ’rUSt between s’aaper and watcher. i whhZ .| CUm CeS Sh°U’d ,he wa,cher “interfere” I „ | f’1 eVen lf the sieePer appears to be in =

the grip of a dream with sexual content. | :

Day 89

Esperanto is the most successful artificial language, with over 2 million speakers worldwide. It was conceived and published by Ludovic Lazarus Zamenhof in the 1880s with the aim of replacing complicated and exclusive “unplanned” languages, thus facilitating world peace. This is why dictators have often perceived it as a threat, with Stalin for instance calling it “the dangerous language” and deporting all its registered speakers to Siberia in 1938. Every letter in Esperanto has only one sound, every word is pronounced as it is spelled, the grammar consists of 16 simple rules, and only 300 words are required for basic conversation. Do your bit to advance the cause of global harmony with this little primer, full of useful sentences that you will not find in the phrasebooks.

This is a citizen’s arrest, drop your knives. | Mi civitan-arestas vin, faligu viajn tran’cilojn.

I am looking for an Esperantospeaking dominatrix. | Mi ser’cas seksmastrinon kiu parolas esperanton.

Quick! I need emergency surgery now! | Rapidu! Mi urg’e bezonas kirurgion nun!

If you park in my spot, I will shoot you in the head. | Mi vian kapoir pafos se vi s’telos mian parklokon.

The referee is blind. | La arbitristo blindas.

Our plans for invasion are finally ready. | Niaj planoj invadi finfine pretas.

That’s a massive line of cocaine. | Longegas tiu linio da kokaino.

You goddamn retard, don’t you understand Esperanto? | Vi volapukisto, Acu Esperanton vi ne komprenas?

CONTROL ORDER — > DAY

Henrik are concerned to impose and maintain an appropriate level of supervision over their readers in these uncertain times. Today, they are therefore introducing control orders on Benrik followers, to monitor their behaviour and keep them in line.

1. | Benrik readers must register on www.benrik.co.uk.

. and post a photo of themselves holding up this page with the “Control Order Acceptance” box signed.

2. | Benrik controllees are to email their contact details to control@benrik.co.uk, including a copy of valid ID and their mobile phone number, so that Benrik may control them more effectively.

‘ 3. Controllees must email their schedule for the day

‘ for approval to control@benrik.co.uk by 10 a.m. GMT, including in particular a list of the people

’ they intend to meet or associate with.

4, Controllees are to present themselves to Benrik’s

headquarters (address on website) between 9 j.m. and 5 p.m. to be tagged. Controllees living abroad may be notified of local tagging facilities via the site.

5. | Controllees must CC control@benrik.co.uk on all email communications, both work-related and personal.

6. | Controllees must report by checking in to benrik.co.uk once every 4 hours and giving details of their exact whereabouts, supported by photos.

7. | Controllees must report their thoughts to Benrik throughout the day; via control@benrik.co.uk. Benrik will intervene to censor and redirect any unwholesome or unauthorised thoughts.

CONTROL ORDER ACCEPTANCE

I recognize that by buying this book or receiving it as a gift, I accept that Benrik are entitled to intrude in my private life and impose such restrictions on it as they may see fit. I hereby opt out of the European Convention on Human Rights for the day.

Signed and dated.

Day 91

‘TODAY USE YOUR REMOTE CONTROL EOR EVIL PURPOSES

Turns traffic lights green

Activates dark side of peoph

Restarts supercomputers

Makes cats vomit

Remote Nuclear War Button

Disables incoming missiles

Triggers immediate orgasm

Jams other people’s mobiles

Makes aeroplanes go faster

Pauses pacemakers

Even its maker has forgotten what this one does

Don’t just point it at the TV! Instead try these functions.

Day 92

Benrikchalking Day American hoboes in the Depression communicated through rough chalk symbols on sidewalks, fences and buildings, to let each other know what to expect in that area. More recently it’s been used to advertise wireless access points. But the potential is much greater. Today, chalk the streets near you in Benrik signs, to let your fellow readers know the salient features of your neighbourhood.

Hobo sign language

Benrik sign language

Dog with diarrhoee | Woman with evil laugh | 9© Nudist couple in window above

H Bad haircuts here | t Conscientious 1 butcher | Don’t order the prawns in here!

Celebrity often has coffee here | * 1 Smell child pees from balcony | Flatulent shopkeeper

v^ Road rage intersection | isaJ Household with widescreen TV | oqO® Watch your change in here

<3 Housewife with forlorn smile | Ceppuccinos extra frothy | Very loud kettle

o ° Double pram zone | Man plays saxophone bedly | II 1 1 1 1 1 I 1 I I 1 Pee here if you really can’t hold it

PLAIN GLASS BOTTLE: standard “I’m lost on a desert island” messages

BEER BOTTLE: party invitations <& news of sports victories

VINTAGE

CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE: formal messages, weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs

TODAY SEND A MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE Be sure to choose the appropriate bottle for your message.

(Note: according to marine experts, there are currently 125,0’00 bottles containing messages floating around the world’s oceans. Yours could be one of them.)

PLASTIC BOTTLE: messages to your inferiors

SOFT-DRINK BOTTLE: the young person’s choice

FOREIGN WINE BOTTLE: letters from abroad, holiday postcards

MEDICINE BOTTLE: painful news

BROKEN BOTTLE: suicide notes

Day 94

Today, adopt incompatible pets

Adopting a pet is proven to change your life by lowering your blood pressure and making you a more serene and caring individual. Today, adopt not one but several pets,

and to spice things up a little, make them incompatible. Within hours, your everyday existence will have acquired a delightful Disney-like quality.

DEGREE OF INCOMPATIBILITY

Extremely incompatible == Highly incompatible = Pretty incompatible ---------

BLOOD-PRESSURE CHART

GO BACK TO SCHOOL TODAY

Maybe you weren’t well. Maybe you skipped it without realizing its importance. But through no real fault of your own, you missed a crucial lesson, undermining your life since then, Today, go back to your local school and insist on attending a class you missed.

8.30 — 9.20 | Maths | 1+1

9.20 — 10.10 | Geography | Map folding

10.10 — 11.00 | RE. | Sweating gracefully

11.00 — 11.50 | French | Transsexual pronouns

11.50–12.40 | Science | Secret of the universe

12.40 — 13.00 | 1 | U | B | 1\I | « | Z 1 | 1

13.00 — 13.40 | Economics | Catching run-away inflation .

13.40 — 14.30 | Art | Duchamp since Benrik | .

14.30 — 15.20 | English | Speaking proper

15.20 — 16.10 | History | 1342: the year nothing changed

16.10 — 19.00 | 1 | * t= 1 | 1= i\i i i czu rxj

IHillllFl AfftHI/ You’re not allowed out to play with HUIVIE WUKIk the others until you’ve finished your homework! Your assignment is to write a 1000-word essay answering any of the following questions. 1] To what extent did post-Kantian attempts to discover an all-encompassing first principle of philosophy succeed (with particular reference to Fichte and Schelling]?

2] “For Mallarme, symbolism ultimately anticipated the synthesis of Christ and Thanatos”, Discuss. 3] Describe how you spent your holiday. Use detail!!!

Day 96

Day 97

Today, tip abnormally

The arbitrary rule of tipping is to leave 10 to 15%, but this is an old-fashioned and lazy approach. Tipping is an art form,

expressive of your personality and potentially a force for social disruption. Today explore its potential, starting with our random guidelines. Begin with the tediously conventional 10% and add or subtract as follows.

£E°

£F

The tippee has green or greenish eyes

The tippee has a visible tattoo on his or her chest

The sky is blue with fewer than three clouds

The tippee has used a word beginning with “R”

The sum of your bill is a primary number

You can’t figure out if it is a primary number

The tippee has offered sex as part of the service

The world’s geopolitical prospects look grim

£0.50

The tippee resembles someone on TV

Yesterday you went to bed drunk

The service provided was good

NB.

In some cases you will end up with a negative sum, which is known as reverse tipping. Here the tippee owes you money, which you may collect in cash or through extra service. Show them this book if they query your claim.

BROADBAND

To record your hermit experiences in a blog and share tips with other hermits.

SCISSORS To trim your great long grey straggly beard (women may dispense with this until the age of 70).

A RAKE To gather moss and lichen from the forest floor for food and for welling to local florists.

A STICK

To beat away the other dogs, and to threaten pesky kids whose idea of fun is to try and set you on fire.

A BLANKET

The hermit look is simply not complete without one. It also has practical applications, like stopping you from freezing to death.

A GROTTO We’re not talking Hugh Hefner here: any hole in the ground you can hide in will do. Consult Ordnance Survey to find grottos in your area,

A DOG

Purists may quibble over this one, but an animal companion is within the rules, provided it too becomes a hermit and does not fraternize with other dogs.

BECOME A

Who can be a hermit? A

F FERMIT TODAY

The ter^l Lifestyle is due Ca ih^ perfect^xidotevtomodern ‘his iia what yon need to get started.

Freak

Your body is a temple that needs redecorating. Today, expose only part of your skin to the sun: the top half of your face, your left buttock, or the tip of your nose... Let those cosmic rays make you the talk of the beach.

Day 100

Today become a muse: stalk a well-known writer and set up a memorable incident that will inspire their next novel.

SALMAN RUSHDIE

Author of: Midnight’s Children,The Satanic Verses

Lives: New York

Look out for him: Tribeca

Suggested incident: Offer to sell him the magic carpet that Ibn Battuta’s great-great-granddaughter gave to your forebears in the year 1451, and on which he first flew over America, discovering it 100 years before Columbus.

CHUCK PALAHNIUK

Author of: Fight Club, Choke. Haunted

Lives: Portland, Oregon

Look out for him: Washington Park

Suggested incident: Accost a passer by with a smile and claim you recognize them from your anger management class. Fly into a rage and headbutt them when they deny you’ve ever met.

WILL SELF

Author of: Great Apes, My Idea of Fun

Lives: Stockwell

Look out for him: Larkhall Park

Suggested incident: Impersonate a blind pensioner who can only find his way home by snorting a Hansel&Gretel-like line of cocaine on the pavement all the way to the front door.

MARTIN AMIS

Author of: Money, London Fields

Lives: Primrose Hill

Lookout for him: Regent’s Park Road

Suggested incident: Dress up as a Gestapo officer in a heavy leather raincoat, and expose yourself to the children of hard-looking geezers until you get beaten to a pulp.

DAN BROWN

Author of: The Da Vinci Code Lives: Exeter, New Hampshire Look out for him: Water St

Suggested incident: Paint blood-red stigmata on your hands and smear them all over an albino kitten before accomplices bundle you into a blacked-out limo and speed off.

JK ROWLING

Author of: the Harry Potter series

Lives: Edinburgh

Look out for her: Princes St

Suggested incident: Bite into an apple, then shriek as you pull a handful of live worms out of your pocket.

DO NOT DISTURB! Attract the writers’attention, but don’t ask them directly to include you in their next novel as this will only irk them. You have to earn your

TODAY, COLD-CALL: Ccld-calling.need not be restricted to commercial purposes. We all require things, and cold-calling is aS valid a way of obtaining them as any other, so pick up the phone book and dial away today. The key principle to remember is -never to give up; you only need one successful phone call to forget the hundreds of’ unsuccessful ones. Here is a cold-calling script to help you get started.

Hi there Mr/Mrs/Ms.., I am Is this a good time to talk?

You don’t know me but I was wondering if you could help me out

Yes

How much?

Yes

£50?

No

Yes

Yes

Yes

£20?

No

£5?

No

Sti no

Move on to next call

/Next week/

/Don t know

£

I’m

and I live in:

Hangs up

It s not a big deal but I m a bit short at the minute and I could do with a loan

Great, thanks. Please send

What about, say, £100?

in cash to my address

Much appreciated!

Who are you?

Why do you want it?

When will you pay it back?

I need the money to buy

Pay back

III pay it back

As soon as humanly possible

Day 102

PRE-FEMINISM DAY

The most radical change of the twentieth century has been in the relationship between men and women. It is the first time in history that women have been even approximately treated as equals. Today, revert to pre-feminist behaviour to measure the difference.

Women:

1) | Make sure you look your best

2) | Don’t speak unless spoken to

3) | Stay at home and do the housework

4) | Cook a nice dinner for your man

5) | Ask him for some pocket money for a new dress

Men:

1) | Open doors, stand up, take your hat off

2) | Buy your lady some flowers on your way back from work

3) | Compliment her on her cooking

4) | Sssshhhh her if she voices a foolish opinion

5) | Skip foreplay, roll over and snore

Day 103

Today decide which organs to donate in case of death and leave a copy of this page with your family. One body can help 100 other people.

What organs can I donate?

Tick the boxes of your choice.

Smile more often when you see me

Read me my horoscope

When you ■ next see me, pretend we’ve never met

Offer me flowers more often

Hug me

ilWJB

r

Sleep with me

Wake

Don’t leave me up if I snore

Hold my hand to cross the street

Tell me something cute

Salute me | Today give little tasks to people around you | Carry my Book for me today

Watch my back | Let me win all discussions ; | Let me have the remote tonight | Read me a bed time story | Buy me lunch

Tie up my laces if they come undone | Answer my ; telephones j | Hold the lift for me | Tell me what to do! | Greet me with i a bow

Whistle my i favourite | , tune | ; | Water | Buy me an i my desk | expensive plants . | car | i | । Let me win at chess । for once | Tell me if I my breath stinks

When 1 say something witty, praise me | Don’t let | j | Organize me forget | my surprise my umbrella | ; | birthday again! | ; | party | ; Pick my nose | : | Never : talk to me again

Day 105

Muzak!

Carry your own desired musical ambience around with you today. Make a tape of songs appropriate to the mood you wish to convey to those around you, and play it on a beatbox all day long. For instance:

Angry

Hungry

Happy

Fight The Power Public Enemy The Prisoner Iron Maiden

White America Eminem

Fifth Symphony Beethoven

Fuck The Pain Away Peaches

Mutter Ramstein

Injustice For All Metallica

Smells Like Teen Spirit Nirvana Won’t Get Fooled Again The Who

Good for: asking for a pay rise, complaining in shops.

Sad

Strawberry Fields Forever The Beatles Candy And A Currant Bun Pink Floyd Sugar And Spice The Searchers Vindaloo Fat Les

Rock Lobster B-52s

Hungry Like The Wolf Duran Duran Soup Is Good Food Dead Kennedys Cinnamon Girl Neil Young

Creme Brulee Sonic Youth

Good for: restaurant settings, supermarkets.

Dancing Oueen Abba

Shiny Happy People REM

Beautiful Day U2

Freedom Aretha Franklin

Holiday Madonna

It’s Raining Men Weather girls Celebration Kool And The Gang Club Tropicana Wham!

La Bamba Los Lobos

Good for: winning the lottery, delivering babies.

Lustful

Mad

Everybody Hurts REM Yesterday The Beatles So Far Away Carole King Last Christmas Wham!

Moonlight Sonata Beethoven

Crying Roy Orbison

Crying Primal Scream

Tears In Heaven Eric Clapton Do They Know It’s Xmas? Band Aid

Good for: dumping partner, telling someone they have a parking ticket.

Horny Mousse T

You Sexy Thing Hot Chocolate Sex Machine James Brown Erotica Madonna

Push It Salt’n’Pepa

I Touch Myself The Divinyls Touch Me Samantha Fox Suck My Dick Lil’ Kim

I Want Your Sex George Michael

Good for: first date, public masturbation.

Freak Radiohead

Rambling On Procol Harum Livin’ La Vida Loca Ricky Martin I Talk To The Trees Tony Bavaar Party Out Of Bounds B-52s Rock Me Amadeus Falco O Superman Laurie Anderson Can We Fix It Bob The Builder Ring Cycle Wagner

Good for: scaring away muggers, scaring away loved ones.

Day 107

Today, mess up your kids so they turn into Picasso

Early deprivation of affection and the subsequent inner conviction that you are worthless fuel the compulsive ambition that drives the artist. By namby-pamby standards, it may seem that you are being cruel to your children, but really you are doing them a favour. ‘They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad’ is not therapeutical babbling, but the poet’s grateful acknowledgement of his two-headed Muse. As Proust said, ‘everything we think of as great comes from neurotics. They

alone have founded religions and composed masterpieces’. He knew this first hand: when he didn’t get his customary goodnight kiss from his mother one night at the age of seven, he concluded that love was doomed and was plunged into the lifelong despondency that produced his magnum opus. As his example shows, nothing heavy-handed is required; a forgotten kiss, a strange look, or a rash word are all it takes Io spice up a life.

Mr/VAMT 15 ADALt AT 1TA57 TJMB_- l/Y TRE. PUP AND LWERCLOOKWe WOT MY PADDY CALLS-ME.Ml RfcAl . ATTHe PA1NT/NG, 5NV\t TIMES < MME 15^IILY BUT DADDY $M5 ADD IT DK5AM THEY ARE DEAD DADDY 75 WES TOJUfBMC HE SAYS 1 w/l^ , SMB <500 c WY’ADOLf AMd Wf ^D££^AND ¥^ ^t^d \ QSQM Uf. I ME KED ?A INT TOR MY Bl PtH«- “ ITMAKESTHCOTHteR KlDS AT SKOOL _DAY _ 1

. MUGA 1 VDNL ^NQW^ | *

15 O/yiEK,lKlMIWr5..WJhjME__JVlE^ AnOMUMA^LYAND LIKS PWrz/V6 6UJ 1 DONi __ my DAlpy

TIKE MAX. 1LL1KJ ONLY COLOR. mummy SAYS 1 CAN U51 UNril I . AV\ 9. THEN i CM US^ _P1n H LifOALt LIKE PINK. ON SUNDAYS’ WDYA0 M^MmY TAKE ME TO IK^ MU^Um. ! SIT IH y^t OFWnAlAjVMS._ WEA/ TMty ^ to they go tows PUS. C4^T or SECAUS I AMS_. D/DDY SAYS THfc PMaJTW* W<LB£ i . MY /viummY //vo DADDY PORIMOVXl. RUt SOMfeTTMtS I.T5_1 L. W0M/_ BECAIS5 J C(Mt TV EJE^j^M^ MT H^k I CAN (M_TUft& J*t£5K Wat WAS TNC M05T THEY MHZ

Day 108

Hand out a calling card to strangers today

The calling card is the ancestor of the more mundane business card, and was used by the Chinese and European nobilities to lubricate social interaction. Aristocrats would leave calling cards at each other’s homes — and if the gesture was reciprocated, they would visit each other. Our times cry out

for an updated version. The “Benrik Calling Card” is to be handed out to intriguing strangers, whom one suspects might enhance one’s life. They are tailored to modern urban interaction, and should be dispensed with a silent smile, putting the onus on the receiver to get in touch.

I loved the book you’re reading. Call when you’ve finished it analet me know whatyou thought?

l/yov ever break bp wilhyovrpartner, here’s my number

I DON’T KNOW YOU BUT I WISH YOU WELL IN YOUR LIFE!

SMILE!

IT MIGHT NEVER HAPPEN.

I commute on this tube line too. Next time, let’s talk?

Here are a few examples from the range

— duplicate them yourself,

or purchase

the finished article via www.benrik.co.uk or Moo.com.

LEAVE YOUR WALLET ON THE STREET TODAY

In 1983, French artist Sophie Calle found an address book on a Pans street She photocopied its contents and returned it anonymously to its owner, one Pierre Baudry. She then proceeded to call all the people featured in the book, and wrote a series of newspaper articles about Mr Baudry based on what his friends, family and acquaintances told her. Today, discreetly drop your wallet on the pavement, and put your private life into the hands of a passer-by.

N.B.* Over twenty years later. Monsieur Baudry was allegedly still furious. | .

Choose one hair

grow

■ You’ll never get bored of your special hair. Here for instance, we’ve used ours to recreate the Mona

Lisa, only better.

Most hair grows at approximately half an inch a month, so within 8 years your chosen hair should be reaching optimum length. Remember to keep it clean, using shampoo and conditioner daily, and avoiding any tangling.

Special note for pubic hair: tape it to your inside leg during sexual congress so as not to ruffle it.

Dream analysis

Work out what your dreams are telling you to do and do it!

CLOUDS

There are problems ahead at work, go on holiday.

You need more independence, quit

your job and dump your .partner.

LI PIG

You fear failure. Don’t do anything at all today.

You feel all tied up. Not much you can do here.

Someone hates you: hate them back.

DESERT

You are.trapped! Run away now.

SEX

You want sex. Have sex.’

CASTRATION

You are having a Cliched dream. Wake up immediately!

KEYS

The solution to your problem is in the cupboard that opens with those keys.

Day 112

TODAY, FOLLOW THESE DIRECTIONS

LEFT

A TAXI HOME

TURN LEFT AGAIN

TURN RIGHT

CROSS THE ROAD

STRAIGHT FOR 6

MINUTES ,

WALK STRAIGHT FOR 30 MINUTES

WALK 1 STRAIGHT FOR 25 MINUTES

r TAKE THE FIRST

r BOARD 1 THE NEAREST BUS AND GET OFF AFTER k 3 STOPS .

AND

STRETCH

r CROSS

THE NEAREST BRIDGE OR k FOOTPATH ,

WALK STRAIGHT for15

MINUTES j

Day 113

lobap make a pact Imdj tfje tebil

Fill in this standard satanic contract with your own blood, which must be drawn from your left arm.

Dear Lucifer

I,.............. ,

wish to make a pact with you.

In exchange for my soul, you will grant me great power/vast wealth (cross out) for the next....... years (to be agreed). I undertake to abide by the rules of the damned, accept the Devil’s mark, sacrifice children to you and generally make a satanic nuisance of myself.

Signed and dated in my blood,

To register this pact with the devil, stand within a magic circle and recite the following invocation: “LUCIFER, Emperor, Master of All Rebellious Spirits, I beseech thee to be favourable to me in calling upon thy GREAT MINISTER which I make, desiring thus to make a pact with him. BEELZEBUB, Prince, I pray thee also, to protect me in my undertaking. ASTAROTH, Count, be propitious to me and cause that this night the GREAT DEMON appear to me in human form and without any evil smell, and that he grant me, by means of the pact which I shall deliver to him, all the treasures of which I have need. GREAT DEMON, I beseech thee, leave thy dwelling, in whatever part of the world you may be, to come speak with me; if not, I shall thereto compel thee by the power of the mighty words of the Great Key of Solomon, whereof he made use to force the rebellious spirits to accept his pact. Appear then instantly or I shall continually torment thee with the mighty words of the Key: AGLON, TETRAGRAMMATON, ICION, STIMULAMATHON, EROHARES, RETRASAMATHON, ONERA, VAYCHEON ESITION EXISTIEN, ERYONA, CLYORAN, ERASYN, MOYN, MEFFIAS, SOTER, EMMANUEL, SABAOTH, ADONAI. I’call you. AMEN” When the demon appears, simply hand him the pact and get a receipt. Congratulations! You have successfully sold your soul. May you rot in helll

Day 114

Trace your High School sweetheart and offer to meet up

You never forget your first love, but have they forgotten you? Look up cute little Chuck or sexy Martha in the phone book and give them a bell. By now they’re probably stuck in a loveless marriage with 2.3 kids and a mortgage. You may well feature in their broken dreams. Note: Should the words “creep”, “police” or “restraining order” crop up in their conversation, it’s a fairly sound indication that you did not feature in their dreams after all. Trace your second high school sweetheart and so on until successful or in jail.

BOYCOTT SOMETHING THAFS NEVER BEEN BOYCOnED BEFORE

Rhododendrons Porcini Tower Bridge Handshakes Oxygen Motherhood Smurfs Camels Surprise birthday parties 3B pencils Clouds with phallic shapes Gravity Innuendo Clothes Money Fax machines Hope Tasmania Viagra Horizontal stripes Caravaggio Stupidity Nelson Mandela Lopsided grins The flu The Queen Ugly suitcases Lawyers Love songs Apple pie Ballroom dancing Children Recycling Coconuts Sunshine Mascara Agatha Christie Plutonium Milkshakes Benrik Limited Plywood Tuesdays Soft focus photography Running Cancer The Danube Aircraft carriers Mimes Beauty Watercoolers Shadows Culture Shower gel Chainsaws Business cards Alopecia Timidity Plasticine Birmingham Cantilevering Taboos Menhirs Song Suicide Chopsticks Miracles Spirals Tamagotchis Fire Instamatics Catalogues Bastards who use you then discard you like a dirty tissue Exits Ciphers Freaks of nature Chaos Soup Jupiter The man in the moon Witchcraft Catamites Asphalt DNA Rock’n’roll The Tudor dynasty Riffs Ecuadoreans Photosynthesis Leprosy Satellites Monkfish Tasmania Repetition Donuts Hurricanes Trimesters Repetition Man’s inhumanity to man Mildew Transitions Business lunches Boycotts

Day 116

Today, buy a stranger flowers

CHRYSANTHEMUM

You’re a wonderful friena

WHITE CAMELLIA

You’re adorable

ACACIA

I love you secretly

RED ROSE I love you

PRIMROSE

I can’t live without you

WHITE LILAC | TULIP

I’m a virgin, please be gentle You are the perfect lover

YELLOW HYACINTH

I’m jealous

PINK CARNATION

You have disappointed me

BLUEBELL

Let’s call it a day

DAFFODIL

Are you still here?

CROCUS If you call again, I’ll got an injunction

Day 117

Don’t remain Clark Kent all your life. It only takes a little effort to acquire potentially useful superhero powers. Here’s how.

Get a job in a corporate genetic modification lab. Late one night, “accidentally” fall into the experimental seeds centrifuge.

In the course of a stroll outside Sellafield, get stung by a nestful of unusually large wasps...

Steal an Amazonian tribe’s prized medicinal plant for the pharmaceutical industry and be cursed for 1000 years as a result.

Powers: can clone himself at the drop of a hat.

Powers: each of her fingertips contains a radioactive sting!

Powers: with his forked tongue, can lie his way out of any situation.

This one was just born this way, you can’t become one.

Fall into the vat of “unfit for human consumption” meat during a guided tour of an abattoir.

Listen to Sex Pistols album repeatedly until timewarp projects you back to the late seventies.

Powers: turns into a scary monster.

Powers: her anger can cause any society to implode.

Powers: can antagonize vegetarian villains.

e me

Y^ow{ W&

‘OOM.

ever caoc^ prMq rwrv&ttrt qAwewe zzut ^e

Day 120

SERIOUS DOCTOR?

PAYRISE

TH/SADVERTISING IS 7ERR IB LET

THE MANAGER GM ME A /HM FORGOTTEN T--------- MY UMBRELLA! OR I QUIT

IWOULDLIKE A PINT OF MILK!

THE MAN IN FRONT OR / MEIMTHE QUEUE IS VERY FAT INDEED! / /IM BEAT/NG MY WIFE AGAIN

THERE’S A FREE PARKINGSPACE AT LAST!!! / THIS ITEM: ISTOODEAR

z LETME

SPEAK TO

I AM GOING TO BATTER YOU,YOU NONCE’.!

WE ARE WALKING OUT OF THE TOWER BLOCK I AM GOING TO JUMP OFFTHISTOVVER BLOCK ONTO THE PEOPLE BELOW

BRIBE PEOPLE ALL DAY

Bribing is an essential social practice, the lubricant in the engine of the free market, helping to bridge supply and demand. Other cultures know this, which is why they ignore misguided advice to abolish it. Good bribes, tactfully delivered, will guarantee you a more stress-free life in no time. Practise the art of bribery today, starting with our rough guide to tariffs below.

Airline hostess to upgrade you to business class

Traffic warden to tear up parking ticket

Supermarket checkout girl to let you jump the queue

Council to pick up your rubbish first

Public bus to detour via your address

Teacher to give you better grade

Cable guy to connect you to forbidden channels

Government to build nuclear power plant in someone else’s back garden

Bennk to include your photo i,U next book

Day 122

JOIN EXTREMIST ORGANIZATIONS AND OUT-EXTREME THEM TODAY There is something appealingly old-fashioned about people who hold extreme views, something medieval about their blind certainties and the lengths to which they will go to advance their cause. Today join some of these organizations, leam from their resolve, and test their grip on rational thought by suggesting even more extreme views and seeing if they embrace them.

ORGANIZATION | EXTREME BELIEFS | HOW TO JOIN THEM | HOW TO OUT-EXTREME THEM

BNP | BRITISH NATIONAL PARTY | Calls for an immediate halt to all further immigration, the immediate deportation of criminal and illegal immigrants, and the resettlement of immigrants who are legally here. Also calls for restoration of capital punishment. | Membership is open to those of British or kindred European ethnic descent. Join at enqu tries (« bnp.org .uk. | “Foreign tourists come over here and sleep with our women. Ban tourism pronto!”

AF | ANARCHIST FEDERATION | The Anarchist Federation is an organization of class-struggle anarchists which aims to abolish capitalism, all hierarchy and all oppression to create a free worldwide classless equal society: anarchist communism. | Email your membershp enquiry with name and postal address to. join (s’afed.org.uk. | “Any organization is intrinsically hierarchical and fascist. Let’s disband immediately?”

ALF | ANIMAL LIBERATION FRONT | Animals are our brothers and sisters in other species. They have equal rights and therefore need protecting by direct action against all forms of animal abuse, including in particular animal testing. | Try contacting them via the Animal Liberation Press Office, BM4400, London, WCIN 3XX. | “Don’t insects have equal rights too? Kill the fly killers!”

AFUN | AL-F1RQAT GN-NAAJIYAH (the Saviour Sect) | Would like to see the implementation of Sharia law in the UK — which under their rule would be known as the Islamic Republic of Great Britain. Sample article on website: “Kill those who insult the Prophet Muhammad”. | Any person can become a member of the Saviour Sect, providing they strictly adhere to the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) and his Companions. | N/A

ELF | EARTH LIBERATION FRONT | The environment must be protected by “ccotage” (ecological sabotage), which involves inflicting economic damage on those who profit from the destruction and exploitation of the Earth. | The E.L.F. has no centralized organization to contact. You could always try to attend an Earth First Gathering (efeathering^ aktivix.org) and hope that kindred spirits turn up. | “Humans are an incorrigible scourge on the fragile face of the Earth. The only solution is to all move to another, more | 1 resilient planet asap!”

UKLL | UK LIFE LEAGUE | “We want to close [the abortion industry| down. Period. No compromise, no excuses. Killing a baby is always wrong. Abortion is murder.” They request any information on “abortionists, clinic workers and anybody else who actively supports unhorn child-killing”. | Contact the UKLLoffice for a Pro-Life Action pack: UK LifeLeague, 11 Waterloo Place, London, SWY 4 AU. | “Sperm are alive. Male masturbation should count as genocide!”

N.B.: Make sure you tell these organizations that you are also joining the other five today!

Day 124

Some bright spark out there must be able to come up with an answer to the world’s various problems. Could it be you? Put your mind to it for a couple of minutes. Redraw maps using coloured crayons and explain your plan in no more than 80 words. Send to: Secretary-General, UNITED NATIONS, S-378, New York, NY 10017, USA.

Day 125

Shave off a small amount of wood from your piece of furniture. Sprinkle it on your lunch. Enjoy! Persevere every day, and you should be able to eat the entire piece of furniture within 20 years.

BEFRIEND A CUSTOMER CARE PERSON

Customer-care hotlines recruit individuals with exceptional emotional intelligence and empathy, who are well worth having as friends. Today, make it your mission to befriend a customer-carer and meet them for real by the end of the day.

Call a customer-care line with an obscure question that they can’t answer immediately. Make sure you get the customer-carer’s name and agree to call them back. E.g. Hello! What do you call the exact shade of green you use on your biscuit packaging, as I want the same for iny curtains?

Ring back, asking to speak to the same person. As they give you the information you requested, change the question slightly, to prolong the contact. E.g. You’re going to laugh, but I’ve just remembered I’m allergic to green, what about the blue?

When you next speak, introduce some emotional tension into your relationship. Being so empathetic, they will start to sympathize. E.g. My house has just burnt down, so I don’t need any damn curtains! What am I going to do? Oh mercy on me!

Call them back an hour later to thank them for being so empathetic, and apologize for selfishly only talking about yourself all the time.

E.g. It turned out to be a false alarm, but I was in such distress and you saved me! And you must have so many problems of your own!

Personalize the relationship. You’ve been through a lot together over the last few hours. Get him or her to acknowledge the bond between you. E.g. This may sound crazy, but I feel some connection between us that goes way beyond biscuits. Are you a Gemini?

Work out where the call centre is based, and wait for your customer-care friend to emerge. A fiver to the security guard will ensure they point out the right person. Don’t say anything at this point, but follow them discreetly to find out where they live.

Knock on their door just before midnight, and introduce yourself. Carry a recording of your conversations to jog their memory. Hey presto! You have a new friend. E.g. Surprise! I say, you’re even lovelier in real life than you are on the phone. And look, I’ve brought you some biscuits!

Day 127

MONARCHY DAY Find out your position in the line of succession

Everyone in the UK could in theory inherit the throne if all the more obvious candidates died. Where do you stand in the line of succession? To help you work out your likely position, here are the current highest and lowest ranking contenders.

Top 30 | Bottom 30

1 | Prince Charles 2 | Prince William 3 | Prince Harry 4 | Prince Andrew 5 | Princess Beatrice 6 | Princess Eugenie 7 | Prince Edward 8 | Lady Louise Windsor 9 | Princess Anne 10 | Mr Peter Phillips 11 | Miss Zara Phillips 12 | Viscount Linley 13 | Hon. Charles Armstrong-Jones 14 | Hon. Margarita Armstrong-Jones 15 | Lady Sarah Chatto 16 | Master Samuel Chatto 17 | Master Arthur Chatto 18 | Duke of Gloucester 19 | Earl of Ulster 20 Lady Davina Windsor 21 Lady Rose Windsor 22 Duke of Kent 23 Lady Marina Windsor 24 Lady Amelia Windsor 25 Lady Helen Taylor 26 Master Columbus Taylor 2T Master Cassius Taylor 28 Miss Eloise Taylor 29 Lord Frederick Windsor 30 Lady Gabriella Windsor | 58 997 564 Mr Lee Smith of Deptford 58 997 565 Mrs Janine Smith of Deptford 58 997 566 Master Wayne Smith, 8, of Deptford 58 997 567 Master Rick Smith, 7, of Deptford 58 997 568 Master Keiron Smith, 5, of Deptford 58 997 569 Miss Kerry Smith, 3, of Deptford 58 997 570 Miss Dolly Smith, 1,of Deptford 58 997 571 Miss Smith (not yet named) of Deptford 58 997 572 That guy outside the Dog & Duck in East Grinstead 58 997 573 The man who screams “Mucky fucky” outside Allwoods Primary 58 997 574 “Jon” who swallows his glass eye for a quid, Leeds 58 997 575 Pete Brown (aka “Big Suzie” by night) 58 997 576 Mistress Whiplash, Soho 58 997 577 Ali Beghal (born abroad) 58 997 578 Khalid Azzam (born abroad) 58 997 579 Muhammad Al-Banshiri (born abroad) 58 997 580 Samir Abdul (born abroad) 58 997 581 Ziad Ali Waleed (born abroad) 58 997 582 Prince Philip (born abroad) 58 997 583 Sarah Ferguson 58 997 584 Henrik Delehag 58 997 585 Ben Carey 58 997 586 Maxine Carr 58 997 587 Ronnie Biggs 58 997 588 Bill “the Bulldog” Spencer (Her Majesty’s Guest) 58 997 589 “Psycho” George (Her Majesty’s Guest) 58 997 590 Alan “Anthrax” Payne (whereabouts unknown) 58 997 591 “Uncle Lollipop” Stuart (Her Majesty’s Guest) 58 997 592 Inmate 45-5678-765 (no name on file) 58 997 593 Lord Lucan

Day 128

Pass a note on public transport today

«<»MMK’n«,onMnrw *t»r^KnMiKKTHP&nAtt r t I

I V "Mwil’Xftll JMflNW I | ■U’lHM’I’iiail 11 U)i’l4«

THE OTH€&’.

LZW.

h.w-ummuotv™

KHHYOOJniJOUiWX KIS

■ i^oulO you cove a^D ^y lap?

Ifl^^j’W wn>:me

I ^m^? ‘ yL cwMr I

I l« IJMr MU1III Ml ^MlUT 3KKOII 4 | 111 MM>X>H|*n HO IMHW\ OK IM II1

H | M I’Ml’FAIKilVtlMI 1W. | i | H H|UU-0IK>fl utkilll J

IAUMWN IIK’KNU | J | Aat0;r«IMa|*l’m< ■ K

ww#f»n iviiJiM | inAtiii uw4.“im i g

STOP $WN<\M ct C7MGT OP. ( U CALC U A PERVERT AJ

fMVE W&EP mu note ow wr GE *wn A LSI AN J> >oW0t<b“” TOUCHED IT1.

VI | LttplWMWo’l’^VI Hill h**lt«M‘ * “ ‘II

I | mm< vi’1 4^! ’ii»x’ lUMIkn.

MonbijoupiUii rTu.lll S3 Moiliu Ti-J. IHO IS 20 IS

^ k^ k

(^.the lues ^ w^Jc v™ ^^ © © @ © ©• ©

Day 129

SENSE-LESS DAY

Go through today without ’ using your sense of (smell

■ Ho^ tg <” ‘Se p^ ‘ co-‘e virus

True story; Susan. T. ran a perfume shop in downtown Baltimore. Her big selling point was the ability to mix a unique perfume for every custom;.. She prospered, until she was accidentally exposed to toxins and lost all sense of smell. According to medical expert Dr Carol Fiske this conditron (“anosmia”) affects millions, particularly amongst elderly men. It sometimes disappears with tirne,. says Fiske, though no one yet knows how or why. This comes as no consolation to

l course’ Wh° Can n0 ,ongfer sme” her Precious perfumes and has had to close shop and Jose her livelihood as a result. She has not worn perfume since.

Day 130

Nostradamus Day

Benrik are asking their readers to predict the future in the year 2015. Simply answer the questions below and complete the tie-breaker. The winning answer will be disclosed on December 31, 2015, and the winner hailed as the Nostradamus of their time!

Clothing | In 201 5, we will all | be | wearing space suits | □ In 201 5, we will all | be | wearing birthday suits | □ In 201 5, we will all | be | wearing Gap | □

Transport | In 2015, petrol-fuelled cars will be banned | □ In 2015, cyclists will be a majority | □ In 2015, the robot-horse will be the norm | □

Geopolitics | In 201 5, Israel and Palestine will be at war | □ In 201 5, the USA and China will be at war | □ In 2015, the Earth and Omega Centauri will be at war | □

Business | In 2015, genetics will be the No1 industry | □ In 2015, the Dow Jones will hit 30,000 | □ In 201 5, Microsoft will invade a small country | □

Art | In 201 5, art will run out of taboos to break | □ In 2015, perspective will make a come-back | □ In 201 5, rebel artists will seize Jupiter | □

Space | In 2015, | mankind | will be exploring Pluto | □ In 201 5, | mankind | will be exploring the Andromeda galaxy | □ In 2015, | mankind | will be getting the hell out | □ before the second meteorite hits

Design | In 2015, clutter will be back | □ In 201 5, the zero-gravity bookshelf will be a huge hit | □ In 2015, whole books will be devoted to this doodle | □

Internet | In 2015, the internet will be wired into our brains | □ In 201 5, the most visited site will be “alienhotties.com” | □ In 201 5, search engines will find true love and settle down | □

Tie-breaker | What would be a good slogan for the breakfast cereal of the year 2015? |

Day 131

Hitchhiking has had a bad rap in the past, but it is one of the better solutions to the environmental pollution problems posed by cars, and a great way of generating a sense of community as well. Follow our guidelines to ensure safe and peaceable hitchhiking and hit the road.

DRIVERS: Pick up a hitchhiker today

Do not pick up anyone with a beard

Do not pick up anyone with fresh bloodstains on clothing

Do not pick up serial killer-types

Do not try to sexually engage with hiker (especially by pretending to confuse their knee for gearbox)

NON-DRIVERS: Hitchhike today

Do design a nice legible sign on some dry cardboard

Do hide any fresh blood stains on clothing

Do avoid mention of serial killer past Do not try to sexually engage with driver (especially when they’re driving)

Day 132

Circle your first choice and send off with a £5 donation to the Dalai Lama, Lhassa, Tibet.

Day 133

Should they take you up on your ofter, either go ahead with it 01 claim you were mouthing something innocuous, like “Your shirt is untucked”.

Day 134

Children too can change their lives. Why should self-improvement be the preserve of “grown-ups”? This page lets your child enjoy this book along with you and empowers them to change their future.

Hi! Our name is Benrik!

What’s your name? We’re going to play a game. It’s called “change your life”. Do one of these eight things and you win. It’s easy, and lots of fun!

Sweets?

Yes please Mister!

rGreatgrandma is sleepy again!

Let’s shout in J

her ear.

Let’s surprise Mummy by hiding in the freezer!

What’s on the other side of a plug? Let’s find out!

Zoos are fun, especially cuddling the turry animals.

GOO GRRR POO

YUM

Ci-ga-rettes They’re yummy! Try one.

Tell teacher ■ Daddy hit , you. Again. ‘ o

Day 136

How many of your thoughts are truly yours? Today cast off your second-hand opinions and return them to their originators.

PAR AVION

• AEROGRAMME

Ambitiog is good

Return-‘to: father

My inner Problems are interest ng‘-to others Return to.- Freud

Things will turn out all right

Return to.- Hollywood

We are not alone Return to: Paganism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, etc.

Love is all that really matters Return to: pop music

Day 137

WRITE A BESTSELLER TODAY

There is no easier way to fame and fortune than to write a bestseller. It needn’t take much more than a day, particularly with these ideas to inspire you.

*Too late, Benrik wrote this in 2007

Day 138

Day 139

Today, dial a phone number at random and read out this script with an all-American accent.

Youknow, without Christ, without Jesus, we have no hope. Why? Well, because we know that the standard of God’s righteousness is 1 .aw, a law of the Ten Commandments, a law of statutes and judgments. And which God gave unto Moses on Sinai, saying this is thy righteousness, O Israel. But you know, God also gave another law. A law revolving around a system of shedding a poor and innocent lamb’s blood. So that all who would break the Law of God, who would seek God for forgiveness and pardon, had to bring a lamb, something innocent, and slay it — although, Israel themselves never really knew the real meaning of this. Nonetheless, they were commanded to do it. Also there were other sacrifices, such as: turtle-doves, goats, oxen, red heifers.

But, it was a very sophisticated and very prolific type system of worship. Of course, God had to give these people their own country. He had to give them blessings and things, to be able to perform these rituals. And naturally of course, having to slay a lamb for your sins or such sacrifices, it would definitely keep a man on guard, not to sin too much, because otherwise he could lose the livestock pretty quick, couldn’t he? Well anyway, (thanks be unto God), from as far back as Deuteronomy 32, all the way through to Malachi, there has been other writings, writings of the Prophets. Writings who do not usurp the authority of Moses, but actually exalt The Law of Moses. But yet there’s an additional testimony. For the same God of Heaven — Who’s rich in mercy — has not only given to men a Law, but also a way of escape, for those Repentant Souls who might fall short of the glory of God’s law. Which some scholars will agree, that the glory of God’s law is that it’s a divine precept of His own character. God’s character is revealed in The Law. Now, Christ is the only hope for a world that sins. Now, how do we know? Well — The Prophets — have prophesied? But what if we’re not familiar with the prophets? Well, were the Jews familiar with the prophets when this Word-of-God was made flesh? When Mary, The Virgin, had a baby boy, did everyone believe, that she was really a virgin when Christ was conceived? If

we search the Scriptures, we’ll find in certain arguments the Pharisees confronted Christ — and said to him, “We be not sons born of fornication.” So obviously, not everyone believed that he was a child of a virgin birth! If they hadn’t looked back to Isaiah chapter 8, and learned the mystery of Immanuel — that a virgin would conceive and bear a son — then they might not really put too much ahhm... consistency into the fact that Christ at that day claimed to be born of a virgin. I mean, if Isaiah the prophet was a false prophet, well then naturally they would conclude that anyone claiming to have these things fulfilled would be false, too. But of course, Christ, he did something much more, than to just fulfill prophecy. He did miracles. Miracles of mercy such as: healing the sick, feeding the hungry, raising the dead. And if we study we’ll see that “Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John” gives us in somewhat, a full view of the oppositions, and also, the confidements, that he had in doing these miracles. He gathered many unto him through the means of these miracles.

But sad to say, even though he had done so many miracles, Scripture says, yet when it came right down to it, they didn’t believe in him. It’s amazing that even his own disciples forsook him — except Mary Magdalene. She stayed with him to the end, didn’t she? Last to leave The Cross, first to come to the sepulchre. Now, we need to sit here, and we need to ask the question, “how come the men of that generation didn’t believe in Christ?”

In Matthew 23, Christ had to say to the Jews “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem” how often 1 would have gathered you, but you would not. Why? He tells them that they have forsaken The Prophets. “Thou that killest the prophets,” how often I would have gathered you. How does the subject of ’gathering Israel’ and ’the prophets’ combine together? He tells them that their houses, their temple, is left to them desolate.

And that in Matthew 24, as Christ said on the Mount of Olives, his disciples came to him to ask him, concerning these things. What should be the sign of thy coming and of the end of the world? Well, Christ begins to tell them, let no man deceive you, “For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many.”

If you dial an answering machine, try to fit it all in the time allocated. If you can’t, call back later to complete the message.

Day 141

Today: find suspicious activity and report it

We must be vigilant in the face of the terrorist threat. As the — (JR police Suggests, “where there’s unusual activity that doesn’t

fit Uotroal day-to-day life, we need to know” — a broad cqli, .tai’, action if ever there wasond. Still, citizens must do tlieir d^ty sw ^if’yb^i auspact ■it,:”’>ep0rt it”. Examples of suspicious activity: j

- i	-terrorist hotline:

jK confidential a

0800 789 321

“Mary at 29a hasn’t put her recycling box out this week.”

“There’s a chap outside my house uho’s been tying his shoelace for two whole minutes.”

“My colleague always puts the phone down when I walk-in.”

“This bald man in my local Tesco’s just bought a three-pack of shampoo.”

“The curtains at No 98 are always closed in the afternoon.”

“The Johnsons have bought fertiliser and it’s not even planting season.”

A dark brown 4x4 has just driven past the train station three times.”

“How can tL>at ghastly family afford a digger house than ours?”

Day 142

Test a proverb today’ and record its»» practical usefulness

When the cat’s away the mice will play A Look before you leap

Never look a gift horse in the mouth

Strike while

the iron is hoi

Example: The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence

Bad news travels last Honesty is & the best policy Nothing ventured noihing gained

How to test the proverb: Find a fence with grass on both sides. Position yourself on one side and record the degree of greenness. Then climb the fence over to the “other side” and repeat the observation procedure. Compare the different measurings and draw your own conclusions.

Beat your .4 wile every * * HiH R You cannot

It takes twoA

to tango;

Hou win some you lose some

why, she whi J V have vour cake AT

The early bird catches the morning worm

haveyourcake

and cal il

Laughter is ihe i best medicine

doctor away

MK Curiosity

killed the cat

How I tested the proverb:.............. Truth..............A®

.............. Usefulness............../10

Day 143

Today, hug every tree you walk past

Oak

21 years old New Forest, UK

“George”

Chestnut

59 years old Botanic Gardens Adelaide, Australia

Etiquette: it is considered bad form to carve your name in the tree you have just hugged,

“Sebastian”

Beech

17 years old

Paparoa National Park South Island, New Zealand

Tree-hugging is a well-attested life-enhancing

practice, that brings you closer to nature and helps, you reconnect with your very own “roots” hug every single tree you encounter for at minute. Most trees are highly huggable, but the world’s most affectionate ones; look out

“Michael” Pine

Age: unknown Lincoln Park Golf Course

68 years old Richmond Park

San Francisco, USA

London, UK

“Betty” Poplar 12 years old

20 miles east of Durban on the RI02 Kwazulu-Natal, South Africa

“Mitsuko”

Bonsai (careful not to crush it) 49 years old

1-1-20 Kanayama Cho Naka Ku

Nagoya,Japan

23 years old

Garden of Mr/Mrs Dale 33 Woodlawn Drive Honolulu, Hawaii, USA

“Hjalmar” Christmas 5 years old Erstavik-skogen Sweden

h’’

“^OOWM

I

n’TTnnTnnnnn i n 11 n! i n r

^ r’/yJ’s’ ’

Speak to people as

if you were a global

corporation today ^/i

t I

»

Milk in your tea?

= Let’s brainstorm how to calibrate the synergy of your baseline items going forward.

What time does the next train leave? = We need to ascertain the variables that impact on stepchange in provision of core market programmes.

How about a date?

= Let’s align timeframes in view of a merger with mutual cross-linking benefits.

I’m late, sorry.

= The window of opportunity for an optimal win-win arrival time is in jeopardy.

I’m very drunk.

= Within a horizontal framework, let us take a 360 degree blue sky look at our increasingly volatile operating environment.

I’m leaving you.

= The cross-pollinating partnering paradigm that has governed our dialoguing has been rightsized.

Day 145

TODAY, BLEED HERE:

In a minion years’ time with advanced technology they’ll be able to reconstitute you from ■ our DMA Name:.............,_.........„..... Address:...........

Post code:..............

Why I’m worth reconstituting from my DNA a million years hence:..............

TOWARDS

H FRIEND

dru

I FOR A

Danger

Dazzi e

M-KILLER:

Excess Fat!

TURN LEFT

MKME ^E ME

SMUGGLE BE SEE THIS FILM.”

PEDESTRIANS push button and wait for signal opposite

tool up for spring

ON GOOD (LEMS 80 CAN STAY FKIENOS

never before!

fe to torn toads at partles

U. ME NOW! /visits, 24 Hoi

‘ 46DD

01 372 4:

Stop

Assembly point

• AY HERE

RELAX

be different

owdOWN THEM

nd out more today!

:k the cash n your home

Fire escape . keep clear

CONTEMPORARY ARTISTS DOCUMENT CHIP TIMF

Luurv FLASH

buy now! ew eatadm!

ease ep off grass

PLEASE RING BELL

UNWIND WITH FRIENDS

HEAD FT NOW1.

FREEFONE NOW da.e

‘U^GESf0™5™0*^ ^^

nease take ene

Day 148

TODAY.. TOPPLE A DICTATOR USING ONLY THE INTERNET

The information revolution is a direct

chaHenge to authori tarian states. Wi th its many points of access and its decentralized, disembodied nature, the internet is the perfect rallying point for change. Yet it has still to claim

its first direct dictator scalp.

Benrik readers can change that today by emailing them and convincing them to step down from power with a few well-chosen arguments.

Hu Jintao (Chi na)

www.govonline.cn

Kim Jong II ( Horth Kore a ) w w w.korea-dpr.com

Fidel Cas tro < Cuba) www.cubagov.cu

Robert Mugabe (Zimbabwe) www.g ta.gov.zw

Than Shwe (Burma) www.myatmyanmar.net

Omar Bl-Bashir (Sudan) www.Sudan.gov.sd

Saparmurat Hi yazov (Turkmenistan) www.me t.gov.tm

fl1ezander Lukashenko (Belarus)

www.president.gov.by

Crown Prince Abdullah (Saudi Arabia) www. shura.gov.sa

Attend court today and offer your verdict to the judge

Most trials are open to the public. You’ve watched enough TV series to know the legal basics. Now put your knowledge into practice. Listen carefully to the evidence, weigh up the pros and cons in your mind, and shout out your verdict as soon as you reach it. The judge will be grateful for your input.

If your verdict is rejected: You have the right to appeal. Approach the judge outside the courtroom and demand a retrial. Outline your version of events and present any new evidence and/or witnesses you may have fourraR* If the judge does not co-operate, lodge1-a formal complaint with the Lord. Chancellor, and alert the media to miscarriage of justice. Take it all the way to the High Court if you have to!

Entry to the galleries is free, but you must be over 1 4. Cameras, videos, recording equipment and mobile phones are prohibited. But you are allowed to make a few clumsy crayon drawings of the scene.

Day 150

Positive Discrimination Day

80®

Refuse to slow-dance with 30 to 39-year-olds.

If anyone under 55 kgs enters the room, leave.

Ignore people who mispronounce the word “aluminium”.

Brutalize anyone you catch eating between meals.

No physical contact with bald people.

Don’t answer any questions from brunettes.

If a redhead appears on screen, switch off your TV.

Ask for your money back if your taxi driver’s hair is curly.

Don’t go into any shop run by a couple.

Chase anyone with high blood pressure out of town.

Run away screaming from anyone pregnant.

Refuse to smile back at pony-tailed checkout girls.

Don’t sit down next to anyone with myopia.

Blame cardigan-wearers for a political problem.

Don’t allow 42-year-olds into your home.

Fire employees with “outie” belly buttons.

Denounce left-handers to the police.

Give money to beggars with green eyes only.

Only employ people with glasses.

Flirt only with people whose name begins with K.

Ostracize opera-goers.

Avoid men with excessive nostril hair.

Verbally abuse men with size 7 feet.

Torture anyone with freckles.

Accept sexual offers only from people bom in the countryside.

Only do business with people taller than you.

Ask any neighbour with green curtains to move.

Tell your children to avoid cat-owners.

Only buy from women over 56.

Refuse to shake hands with electric-razor users.

Discrimination is not necessarily evil, as long as you discriminate in a totally arbitrary manner. Treating people equally is a recipe for permanent boredom. Make everyone’s life more lively today by obeying these simple rules.

EPIDEMIC DAY: Today, everyone report to their local hospital with the same mystery illness. Following the SARS, BSE and bird Ou scares, national health systems are now geared towards detecting patterns of illness early, in order to limit their spread. Today, test national readiness by collectively reporting to your nearest hospital A&E with the symptoms below. If the prevention systems are working, the nation should be under alert by the evening and you should all be under quarantine. Please note: as with any interesting new disease, the symptoms evolve hour by hour. Please keep to this sequence all together, or the doctors may get confused.

Time | Symptoms

Experts you will meet

9am | Your left eyeball is highly itchy, but at the back, so you can’t scratch it. | Ophthalmologist

11am | The itchiness has spread to your lower intestine, equally difficult to scratch. | Gastroenterologist

12 pm | As well as the itching, you have developed an urge to urinate constantly. | : | Urologist

12.15pm | As you try to urinate, you hear music in your head, specifically Russian classical symphonic pieces. | • | • * ENT consultant

3pm | Your heart feels like it has synchronized to the beat of the Russian music, and that it will stop when the piece ends. | Cardiologist Psychiatrist

. 4.06pm | The itch has stopped, but your frontal lobe is feeling mushier than usual. The best way you can describe it is that your brain is melting. Get.round to mentioning you just got back from trekking in Borneo last week. | Neurosurgeon Neurologist | . Immunologist Haematologist Parasitologist Epidemiologist

1 1 11.57pm | You have recovered; perhaps it was a false alarm or a cold. You’d like to leave the camp and go home now please. | Lawyer

Day 152

The path to true self-knowledge is fraught and tortuous. Often, we may only attain it through the glare of others. Today, take the single thing you have ever created that you are most proud of, and ask for an undiluted critique. The

work could be anything, from that draft novel you’ve hidden in your bottom drawer, to photos of the wedding you planned so carefully; from your PhD thesis to your childhood doodles — anything that touches a nerve and reveals your soul.

Day 153

HONESTY DAY: Today, write to everyone you know expressing your true feelings towards them

54b Bwb T*e street and 8 | ^o.I amJ^s is vety

«“ „StdP‘WU8

De* ?<*“””’’ | e ^.cb is on yo« you

^’ ^ soX^O’^ “ch ^ n . rSvenge extent- t before ^e r5>roet-galtV tbe neces&aTy e Tongftfy .g^afW/ay | u

V°u • nn tn and ^ng ^ otW °n methtng ado ^,. { cotninS nai\d<aV’ me there « mdses w6 a 1 ,-,*yout o’o*‘8 ,«s «>a»use S and evenroplain« ’

Dear Son,

I hope you like my birthday present, although to be honest your mother chose it. It is a fact that I’ve slightly lost interest in your life these last few years, ever since you called me a “fascist repressive bastard”. I understand and accept that this is part of the role-play of growing up these days, but it made me realize that I don’t actually like you as a child. When I was your age, I was out playing sports and larking about with my mates. You’re in your room playing violent video games and surfing the Internet for filth. I cannot see you turning into any kind of responsible adult. I suggest that we maintain a frosty relationship until you leave home, and then see each other once a year until I pass away. Anyway, happy ninth birthday.

xDad

S/o:

Zia

i.8? -A1 ’■ Origami flamingo

£15

£20,000

Automobile

£24

Pottery item

Pretty Card

Ugly Card

£50–500

Furniture

£50–500,000

Original Painting

£0.15

Hey this’ll go great with your jumper.’

Flattery

Empathy

Sympathy

Threat

“I can see you’re very poor, but this is only £0.15.”

8§^£&fe^

‘No kidding? I wear a toupee as well!’

Buy this or I’ll eat your dog raw.’

^: Po°

’ ‘omemade object:

Going rates:

Secret subliminal sales techniques:

Day 155

Today knock on every door you see

Our daily routines take us past hundreds of doors, most of which have effectively become invisible to us, but each of which conceals a whole new world waiting to be discovered. Today, knock on those doors and find out what lies behind them. Show the Book if it helps, but obey this one rule: if you are lucky enough to be invited in, you must accept. Down the rabbit-hole you go...

Here are some typical closed doors

Most beautiful woman in the world crying with loneliness

Sudanese refugee who used to be a king

Broom cupboard

AMNESIA DAY Wake up claiming to have lost your memory. $ee if your friends and relatives try and take advantage.

THI NGS THEY WILL SjY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE:

-Your motto was always “you court take it with you”.

-Come on pumpkin, you used to [ove lesbian threesomes, -gut daddy/ y^u bought me this airgun your-5elf.’ ,

-”| lovedo”^ WAS’^‘j-up”/that’S

What V01^ ^7’ -one°MoAr ^“E . Wa$ vnin€, tut please don feel you owe me.

THihids you.

SHOULD SAY

champs176? Geejt’s $o hard to b°W, ~|VUybe Tf Would help if I 5&W ‘ pariS^^^.

-Affair with my secretary?

Didn’t even know I had one. Work?,1 No, if I remember one thing it’S that | didn’t work, _ | 5<*y sexual

Stimulation triers those deep-Seated memories.

Day 157

Benrik Babysitting Day _OIW, RfePRGQRAMNE & IHILD WITH BENRIK VIEWS. Baoysitt i’-‘g isn’t .list a boting way of earning net Weft money; it’s an opportunity ’. contribute to a child’s education. Either babysit a child of yohr ac^uaintantih-,. or put a notice 1$ a local Shop advertising your serviced (E8/hour is the going cate). Walt until the parents have left, and instead of belling the child waste its time watching TV, .. id: to him or MS from the views below. | .

r Santa Claus is a l secular L Satan

one

cyborg

is a

quicker

Sometimes

1 + 1=3

God has

Alzheimer’s

Benrik’s

books

make

grow up

are to to

paid lie

you

Tile dinosaurs are still around, they’re just hiding

War good

is for

Tea is for girls, coffee is for boys

Benrik

is your good uncle the other

when peace gets too boring

Soon we’ll all move to another nicer planet

Day 159

Mainstream Day

Stop rocking the boat! Today make sure your tastes and actions don’t clash with those of 95% of the population.

Clothes

Plain jeans and a T-shirt (nondescript) if you’re under 40, chequered shirt and beige slacks if you’re 40+.

Sex

Have sex with a partner of the opposite gender, to include: 5 minutes of foreplay, 10 minutes of missionary position, 1 orgasm (men), 1 fake orgasm (women).

Hobbies

Enjoy the following for half an hour each: reading, listening to music, gardening.

Shoes

Purchase white trainers from a widely-marketed brand, from the less fancy end of the range. Size (UK): 5–7 (women) 7–10 (men).

Music

Listen to Celine Dion’s “The Colour of My Love” followed by “Love Doesn’t Ask Why”. Repeat until you know the words.

Yes please!

Politics

Express overall agreement with the free market, but wish there were a cuddlier alternative.

Art

Buy an Impressionist postcard (Manet or Monet) and send it to a distant relative.

Sport

Support a football team, and derive much-needed emotional strength from your unspoken bond with other supporters.

Dreams

Dream of paying off the mortgage, landing that promotion, and taking out the neighbourhood with an AK-47 machine gun.

ANTI-CONSUMERISM DAY ynfs,,hnd at ,b:,ills and * people °u< Of their purchases before they buy

d a icrn2 hole in the

Did y°f | « don’t buy 2—«

ozone layer? I na | the Third World, don t y . on the eyes of

cat. I beg you, on be | k That toothpaste wa | propping up

three-week-old bu y | yoU don t need tna . | needs created

the dictatorial regme o working endlessly | capitalism, so don’t,

execs, the ha——_--------------------------------------

Day 161

Today, impress your librarian

Walk into your local library and borrow something thick, preferably by Sartre, preferably in the original French. Return it with a satisfied smile 27 minutes later. Check their reaction as you saunter out, full of your new learning. You now have a local reputation as a savant.

Te^ Mid Undo. ^ra^anS are pleased to welcome you for one day only at our exclusive restaurant situated

ffypesile Ide E^o ^m^fp^e ^‘^ S^eei for some delicious home cooking and friendly service.

Menu

Dessert

rtarf...........l^t^L for reservations

Tonight, open up your Living room to the crowds for a taste of your lone cooking. Write a menu using the, template above, post it around your neighbourhood, and start taking bookings. How to sen the prices: Standard restaurant profit margins are close to 70! Sc multiply the cost of the ingredients by 3 and simply divide it by ti e number of diners.

One of the few positive outcomes of Cuba’s faltering economy is that hundreds of restaurants have opened up in peopLa^ private . homes- Known as poladares, they allow you to eat food that is usually much better than fch*r found in the official restaurants.

Starter

Setup a. la ^i^^ns

Mains

Ted ewid Linda’s Immic-baked •rpeclaf

...........

18.95-

for two courses

for three, courses

Day 163: Send a letter to a mass murderer today

Richard Ramirez

(USA, 1960-)
16 victims+
Nickname: “The Night Stalker”
Address: Death Row, San Quentin Penitentiary, San Quentin, CA 94974, USA

---

Peter Sutcliffe

(UK, 1945—)
13 victims
Nickname: “The Yorkshire Ripper”
Address: Broadmoor Special Hospital, Crow thorite, RG45 7EG Berkshire, UK

---

Dennis Nilsen

(UK, 1943—)
15 victims
Nickname:-----
Address: lx Parkhurst Rd, Holloway, London N7 9TK, UK

---

Edmund Kemper

(USA, 1948—)
10 victims
Nickname:-“Thc Co-Ed Killer”
Address: California Medical Facility, PO box 2000, Vacaville, CA 95696 -2000, USA

---

Charles Manson

(USA, 1934-)
6+ victims
Nickname:------
Address: California’State . Prison. B-33920,4A4R-23, PO box 3476, Corcora, CA 93212, USA

---

Angel Resendez

(Mexico, 1960—)
9 victims
Nickname: “The Railroad Killer”
Address: Death Row, Polunski Unit, 12002 FM, 350 South Livingston,TX 77351, USA

---

Theodore Kaczynski

(USA, 1942—)
3 victims
Nickname: “The Unabomber”
Address: Florence Admax USP, P.O. box 8500, 5880 HWY 675, Florence. CO 81226, USA

Day 164

Hunger strike against overzealous traffic wardens!

Hunger strike against unexplained commuting delays!

Hunger strike against micromanaging boss!

Hunger strike against late library charges!

Hunger strike against neighbour not recycling!

Hunger strike against gas bill going up again!

Hunger strike against weather being poorly predicted!

Hunger strike against friends not calling often enough any more!

Hunger strike against amount of advertising on TV!

GO ON HUNGER STRIKE TODAY

Contrary to popular perception, you don’t have to be famous or in the news to go on hunger strike. In fact, when the hunger strike was invented (by the Celts), it was mostly used to help settle local disputes such as the recovery of debts. The procedure is to notify whoever you are hunger-striking against, sit in front of their door, and fast until they grant you redress. If they let you starve to death, they suffer social disgrace, and face compensation claims by your family. Hunger strikes are easy to organize, non-violent and inexpensive, yet psychologically intimidating. Embark on one for the day, and settle whatever dispute is currently ruining your peace of mind.

SOMEONE

GOVERNMENT

V | SAMPLE |

F | LETTER: I

Dear Home 1

Secretary, 1

I believe....... 1 constitutes a grave threat to national 1 security, for reasons which I cannot go into it as I am in a hurry right now. Search his home before it is too late.

Yours anonymously,

Day 166

yourself having sex onto the internet. In a world of spin,

watching someone you know having interco o. se is l « — doxicalJy f|^ 4the lev* au1 ■■ n ।: e periences

there <s r>o mpo^ nt vbed to i1 these da . ■ os long a.- your pari * j is a fully-consenting adult).

Making £££££ from it: Unless you’re an heiress, a celebrity, extrem Jy ’ oo.1 1 *. ^ preferably all of the above, you will have trouble attracting a wider ar du-. ■ 0 r

on your core target market: people who already know you. If you me ud 1 n J m < relatives and colleagues, you probably know upwards of 200 people vh Wo — Ip ■

to see you in action. At £5 each, that makes a cool £1,000. Not bad .. <. e

DO NOT WAKE!

Dear passer-by, I am sleeping here for a while. You are a fellow human being, and so I trust you to leave me in peace and not to hurt, dispossess or abuse me in any way. You may watch over me though if you like. I apologize for any snoring.

SLEEP IN PUBLIC TODAY

epitig in publ^is usually the prerogative of winos and the homeless, pwevdy you too ore to sleep outside your comfort zone. Find a rk bgnch, a comfortable bus stop, or someone’s front garden^ Ie dow ‘ y the night. Trust others to respect your sleep. An ang this sign around your neck as you slur

Day 168

IMAGINARY FRIEND DAY

Studies indicate that the more Long-term friends you have, the happier you’re Likely to be. So take the Lead and create a lifelong chum aU of your own.

IS IS

HHH!

It makes

me wanna vom! If*

lace

not th

Or something. Bun fbenrih je

Tragic... The world is a funny pl Who said that? Bah, this isn’t worth writing about, I dunno why I get so wound up. Sometimes 1 .do

Day 170

Today live for the moment: that moment is 21:31:22 to 21:31:23. Plan your entire day around that one single second of absolute choking nirvana. First, purchase the necessary accessories: one rare Belgian white truffle sugar-dusted chocolate, silk pyjamas, the sleekest hi-fi system available and a CD of Maria Callas. Retire to your home, where after a restorative siesta, you are to bathe in champagne for an hour or so, before receiving a massage from some gorgeous Swedish creature. As the blissful second nears, pop the chocolate in your mouth, kiss the love of your life, and bring yourself to orgasm at 21:31:22, precisely the moment when Maria Callas hits the high note in Tosca’s “Vissi D’Arte” aria. Truly now, you may say you’ll die having lived.

/171 | I

Open House D

ay

Today, grant other Benrik followers hill at :cess tc your I louse. Simply register your name and address^ >n www.benrik.co.uk and you will become part of the Benrik Open House ne twork. As long as they’re registered, any Eenrikiair can vi »it and stay in food ar d shelter, and

any other Benrikian’s house, sharing their

their Book of course. It’s like a comrpune, orily without the Hippies.

Photograph submitted by Benrik User 947

Benrik

User 947 in reality

Benrik House Rules

Whilst you are a guest of a fellow Benrikian, please observe these simple courtesies.

• No rude comments about decoration No thieving of prized possessions

• No dishes left in sink

• No graffiti on the toilet door

• No kicking of owners cat

• No setting fire to owner’s offspring

• No sharing of owner’s sexual partner

• No selling house while owner out

• No disrespectful criticism of Benrik

• No hippies

Day 172

Incest works well for animal breeding, so why not for you? Today explore your deeper feelings towards a cousin, a sibling, or a parent perhaps. Taboos, alter all, are made to be broken.

Day 174

TODAY DO SOMETHING RADICAL WITH YOUR HAIR Why spend a fortune on clothes to make a fashion statement when your own head provides the perfect opportunity already?

ADVANCED: do something radical with your pubic hair. If your main (non-pubic) hair is already radical or you are bald, style your pubic regions. Shaving is hip but potentially dangerous. Colouring is more original and a welcome ice-breaker on those one-night-stands.

Day 175

Today dig at the end of a rainbow. ------------------- ------------

Myths often survive throughout the ages because they contain a grain of truth.

Find out if this one is true today, and you may reap huge rewards.

1. | Call up your local weather office for information on probable occurrences of rainbows in your area, based on satellite imagery of cloud formation.

2. | Triangulate the exact coordinates of the rainbow’s end, and track them down using a portable GPS system.

3. | Secure the area and excavate a one-acre site, aiming for an average drilling depth of three metres.

Use a magnetometer to establish an electromagnetic and geophysical profile of the zone.

4. | Sift for any pots of gold. Be sure to have legal help at hand to assert your right of ownership.

Warning: if the rainbow happens to end on a bank, find another one.

Day 176

Today get psychoanalysed

Who can afford thousands of pounds and hundreds of hours in conventional psychoanalytical therapy? Benrik psychoanalysis takes just ten minutes and lets you know immediately how messed up you are and whether you’ll ever turn out normal or not. Answer these simple questions, add up the points, and check your results on the chart below.

Are you a man? | + 7

Are you a woman? | + 7

Don’t know | +5

Did you have a happy childhood? Did you have an unhappy childhood? +3 Were you robbed of your childhood? +8 | + 7

Is your first memory pleasant? | +2

Is your first memory traumatic? | +4

Is your first memory deeply repressed? | +7

Do your friends consider you an optimist? | +2

Do your friends consider you a pessimist? | +4

You have no friends | +9

This looks like a sheep | +2

This looks like a cloud | +3

This looks like a stain of black bilious vomit | +7

Do you find it easy to discuss your feelings? | +2

Do you find it hard to discuss your feelings? Is the last time you remember having a feeling when you saw your little bunny rabbit get torn apart by your Uncle Jerry’s Doberman when you were 5 years old and you had to | +3

pick up the little bits of bloody mucky fur from off the carpet and you hid them under your pillow for three weeks and refused to speak for a month? | + 14

Do you enjoy sex at least once a week? | + 7

Do you enjoy sex at least once a month? | +4

Do you enjoy sex whenever you can afford it? | +7

Were you closer to your father? | +2

Were you closer to your mother? | +2

Were you closer to Uncle Jerry? | +8

Is this sun rising? | + 7

Is this sun setting? | +2

Is this sun about to implode, |

terminating life on earth? | +8

Do you wake up feeling happy? | +2

Do you wake up feeling sad? | +4

Do you wake up feeling wet? | + 11

Are you afraid of heights? | + 1

Are you afraid of spiders? | +2

Are you afraid of yourself? | +5

Results |

Under 20: You are normal. This is nothing to be |

ashamed of, but it probably means you’ll never write that |

great novel or change society in any significant way. |

Between 20 and 80: You have your healthy share of |

neuroses. You may consult with a psychotherapist |

if you feel the need to discuss them further, or you |

could just get on with your life. |

Over 80: Congratulations! You have just been |

hired by Benrik Limited. |

Day 177

Aversion Piet Pay

Most diets are far tao complicated. Carbohydrate content, Gl indexes and other macrobiotic nonsense only make it less likely that the diet will be followed. This is why Benrik are introducing the new “Aversion Diet” The “Aversion Diet” works an a very basic principle-if you eat less, you’ll lose weight. Simply open the Book at this page, stare at these unappetizing images during mealtimes, and you are guaranteed immediate results.

Think of them on your flesh!

Concentrate on the furry bits

Yummy!

Particularly good if you’re eating meat.

Not pretty, is it?

Day 178

CITIZEN’S ARREST / PW56CJFB 00087 /

ARRESTOR DETAILS

Full name..............

Home address..............

City..............Post code..............

ARRESTEE DETAILS

Full name..............Nickname | (if any)............

Home address.............. City..............Post code..............

Height..............Weight..............Eyes..............

Hair..............Race..............Gender..............

Identifying scars/tattoos..............

(if able to draw please attach drawing)

FINGERPRINTS:

CRIME:

Plea: Guilty □ Not guilty □ Other..............

Motive: Drugs □ Alcohol □ Money □ Blackmail □ Revenge Onsanity □

Other..............

Statement/confession..............

Signatures

Citizen.

Criminal.

MAKE A CITIZEN’S ARREST!

When a crime is committed and no police officer is in the vicinity, you have the right and responsibility to make a Citizen’s Arrest. Such crimes include: murder, manslaughter, armed assault, conspiracy to defraud, littering.

Day 179

Obedience Day Obedience is a skill so exercise it today by following these simple dictates and you’ll find the rest of this Book easier to obey Speak extra bud to people with names beginning with R today Walk slower if shorter than the person walking next to you Refuse to answer any question where the words “you” and “with” are used Do not accept change if less than 30p Feign not to see people wearing red Stay indoors if clouds are heading east or south Cross the road whenever a passer-by makes eye contact Clip out all newspaper headlines featuring the word “global” and paste them above your desk Order the fifth most expensive item on the menu Introduce yourself to anyone named Bob Drive at 36 miles per hour exactly Pick up the phone after five rings Do not use the letter “d” in any correspondence Use only the buttons on the top half of your remote control Increase central heating temperature by 1°C every hour Only use words invented before 1979 Speak to a minimum of 9 people an hour Proffer your leg as a lamp post to any passing dog Chew every mouthful a dozen times before swallowing Leave the room if anyone with the same first name as you is mentioned

Day 180

Today, divine the will of your ancestors

Enlarged goitre? Your tumble dryer will break down

Dry patches? The Furies are after your head

Swollen liver?

You face military defeat

Strange little white bones? You are entrail-reading a fish

Fatty tissue? Prepare to face a tax audit

Dark yellow kidneys? This chicken is past its sell-by date

Purple spots? Your daughter will elope with a Nubian

Unusually protuberant veins? You will miss your plane

Small oesophagus? Go into exile now

There is no reason why the ancient Etruscan art of haruspicy, better known as entrail-reading, cannot be practised in our day and age.

Before you roast a chicken tonight, take time to ‘read’ it and learn what fate has in store.

Day 181

MILLIONAIRE!

Act like you’re worth millions today. Only your bank manager will know the difference.

DRIVE A FERRARI!

The salesman will be only too happy to oblige you with a test drive. Just try not to crash it.

BOOK A SUITE AT THE RITZ!

Obviously call to unbook it tomorrow, as your private jet is unfortunately grounded.

VISIT THE CASINO!

Enjoy the free drinks without gambling and mutter about the dice being loaded here.

A CALL THE PRESIDENT!

The White House number is 00 1 202 456 1414.

Leave a message to call back urgently.

VIEW A PALATIAL MANSION!

Look scruffy and estate agents will assume you’re a rock star.

We are spend ng 0 ons ot do*ars on ‘.racking down Osama B n Laden, amd sacr f c ng the I ves of hund eds of yourig so d ers and innocent bystanders m the process — yet we have not tried that most oas c of so utions chang ng Mr B n Laden s mind Today, send n your b-st arguments to help convince h m to renounce h s v blent ways Benrik wi co late the most persuas ve ones and forward them for h s attention*. Fingers crossed1

Dear Mr Bm Laden, I am . (name), of.. (address). I am wr t ng to respectful y nv *e you to recons der your global ‘j had” agunst the West You clearly thought it was right at the time, but I believe that now you should call it quits. Here is my reason -... I hope this convinces you. If so, p ease tell your fe ow jihadists. I look forward to a future of peace. Yours truly, ..

’^sama Bin Laden often sends the West video messages via Qatar-based TV station Al Jazeera. Benrik will use the same channel and send them to Al Jazeera with instructions to pass them on to Osama.

Day 183

First impressions are crucial in life. Today hand this to a stranger and find out what impression you made.

Hello!

If you have one minute, ...

Day 184: Play the stock market today

There’s huge money to be made on the stock market, but people are often put off by its seeming complexity, and let’s face it, the sheer numbing boredom of trying to fathom those endless figures. And yet it’s not rocket science. Bennk have tried to make it more fun, so that anyone can enjoy the experience. Follow our instructions and you too will double your investment and become a trillionaire in no time.

SELL Any share you can’t pronounce immediately [though you can’t ask for your money back).

INVEST In high yield bonds (aka “junk” bonds). They go up and down a lot which is more exciting all round.

BUY Any shares that end in -ex.

SELL Shares in companies who do not answer the phone within three rings.

START By buying a couple of hundred shares at random, while you still enjoy beginners’ luck.

SELL Shares whose price is closest to BBS.

SPREAD A rumour that world supplies of salt are about to run out, and buy pepper stocks.

GO LONG On Electronics.

GO WIDE On Tobacco.

GO SHORT On Mining.

CLOSE by selling everything and pocketing the profits

(10% to Benrik).

In 1999, Swedish artist Ola Pehrson hooked up his yucca plant to a computer that bought shares according to the tiny electrical currents the plant generated. If the shares beat the index, the plant was rewarded with sunlight and water. If the shares did badly, the plant was left in the dark... The plant outperformed the Stockholm stock market by 12% over 4 weeks. This is a risky strategy though, which we do not recommend.

Day 185

Today: rearrange your local supermarket; according to your own preferences

BREAD SMELLS

Smell machines are used to awaken the consumer’s appetite. Ask them to feature your other favourite products, like beer or tuna chunks.

My! This modified-atmosphere-processed, irradiated, ethyl butyrate, osoamyl acetate, menthyl benzoate, cis-3 hexenol, isoamyl isovalerate, ethyl decanoate-flavoured melon smells simply delicious! I’ll take two dozen.

DAIRY SECTION

Milk is always at the back so everyone has to trek through the whole store. Put it by the cash tills instead of the sweets and save everyone an unnecessary walk.

SWAPPING

As soon as you get to know the store’s layout, they swap things around so you walk through the whole place again. Ask the security guards to wipe out this practice.

ADJACENCIES

Supermarkets try to display complementary products next to each other to increase sales, like tomato sauce near pasta. Create your own, like vodka and tranquillizers.

AISLES

Traditionally aisles are wide because most people don’t like touching and being touched by other shoppers. But you certainly do, so squeeze them close together.

Day 187

TODAY ANSWER SPAM EMAILS

Day 188

Cheerleader Day

TODAY, CHEER UP EVERYONE AROUND YOU! IN LIFE, THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO DRAIN ENERGY, AND PEOPLE WHO EMIT IT. BOOST YOUR COMMUNITY’S MORALE BY PRAISING EVERYONE’S GOOD BEHAVIOUR, AND THUS REINFORCING IT

“WHATA WELL-BEHAVED QUEUE WEARE, WELL DONE US!”

‘LET’S PAT OURSELVES ON THE BACK FOR WAITING PATIENTLY, FELLOW COMMUTERS!

“I JUST LOVE THE SHOPPING VIBE IN THIS SUPERMARKET THIS AFTERNOON!

“HEY EVERYONE IN THE LAUNDERETTE, LOOKING SHARP!”

“ISN’T OUR BUS GOING FAST TODAY? I’M CERTAINLY ENJOYING IT!”

“EVERYBODY ON THIS ESCALATOR IS SPECIAL! I LOVE YOU GUYS!”

GET ADMITTED TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL TODAY

The diagnosing of mental illness is a notoriously woolly process. What is sanity, anyway? Today, turn up at a mental institution,, announce that you feel unwell, . and get committed, using the script opposite. Reveal your deception at midnight and discover if they allow you to leave*..

refuse co allow you to leave, you are exempt from future casks. Enjoy the rest of your life!

WHAT TO SAY TO THE PSYCHIATRIST: Claim to be conducting your daily life according to the random dictates of two Franco-Swedish individuals whom you’ve never even met, but who have commanded you to seek psychiatric help against your will and better judgement. Mention that there are thousands of others just like you, although you’ve never met them either. Be sure to warn the doctor that whatever happens, you are under orders to escape by the end of the day.

THE ROSENHAN EXPERIMENT: ON BEING SANE IN INSANE PLACES.

In 1972, David Rosenhan famously managed to get eight perfectly sane “patients” admitted to different psychiatric wards in the US, on the basis that they claimed to have heard voices. Once they were in, they acted normally but were still categorized as insane by staff and kept there for up to fifty-two days. In a follow-up experiment, Rosenhan told a hospital in advance that he would be sending them pseudopatients over the next three months. The hospital declared they had spotted forty-one of these impostors. Rosenhan revealed he had not, in fact, sent any.

Day 190

Bing^to^Sap: Bitiapjitie tfje life of a 13tfj century peasant

Wake at baton as; the pig you share pour sftrato beb toith reliefers; himself on pour foot ^>hake off tfje fleas;, flies anb lice, anb prepare to meet tfje bap! ^>kip pour batfj aS usual, pou feab one last pear. Wake pour spouse anb pour eight (or is it nine?) chilbren, anb enjop a breakfast of taStp brp breab, toaSbeb boton toitfj ale (pou bon’t brink tfje toater from tfje ritoer — it tastes foul as a result of being useb as a setoer). gou notice pour ox in its toisbom has becibeb to hash in part of tfje house’s toall. iHake a mental note to patch it up toitfj mub tohen pou babe ttoo seconbs, or mapbe toitfj some of tfje copious manure the ox probuceb otoernight Hut for noto, off to tfje fielbS pou go, not to pour oton Strip, but to

®on’t forget the shoes.

to beath.Sn anp case the forb’S reetoe toill be keeping an epe on pou anb pou’U get fineb or beaten if pou botft puU pour toeigbt.®ime for lunch, nut a moment too Soon as potfre hungrp. You’re hungrp most of tfje time anptoap though, So its nothing to complain about. Hunch is more bark breab, toitfj a bit of rat-nibbleb cheese if pou’re luckp. Sub ale. Jl^fore toork, mapbe on the church’s lanb this time. UThere are other peasants toorfcing nearbp, but there’S not much time for gossip toith Hans, Will or&al (tfjep babe no Surnames anb iteitber bo pou. gou bon’t neeb a surname aS there’S onlp a feto bo?en of pou in tfje Pillage pou toere born in anb tobicb pou’U probablp neb er leabe in pour 13^th centurp life in anp case. JBot that pou fcnoto

toork on pour forb’S. 3t’S hartoesting time, so grab pour sickle, a rustp bit of metal as likelp to lanb pou toitfj a tetanus cut as to help pou hartoest. Che crop this pear is pretip toeak, because it raineb for ttoo toeeks continuouslp in jlune. ^>o pou bon’t toant to tire pourSelf out completelp, Since there might be little foob to help pou recuperate. <^n tfje other hanb if pou bon’t toork barb, there’ll be no foob at all anb pou’U startoe

^ou toiU neeb: mub, rats, a Strato beb, a pig, cloth, an ox, a f ielb,

tohat centurp pou’re libing in.) Anptoap aS tfje sun Sets pou boton tools anb heab home, tonight’s supper is pottage, a steto of oats toith the obb turnip. You’re exhausteb but pou might attempt Some rather clumsp intercourse toitfj pour spouse, neber minb the bibs anb animals. Oep’be Seen anb bearb it aU before. Repeat tomorroto. Sub eberp bap for tfje rest of pour life, tobicb toiU probablp enb arounb age 45 if pou’re luckp.

leprosp, ale, turnips, manure

From the Borgias to JFK, poisoning has claimed thousands of victims. Yet few take the necessary precautions against it. Today ask a family member or a waiter to taste your food before you ingest it. Then observe them for 20 minutes for the slightest sign of illness, like vomiting, convulsions or massive internal haemorrhaging. Only then may you relax and enjoy your meal. Telltale signs that your food is poisoned:

Roast chicken

Wings look slightly shrunken

Cod and chips

Chips break in two very easily

Cheeseburger

Cheese has greenish tinge

Steak

Veins bulging (with the poison)

Ham and cheese sandwich Ham and cheese stuck together

Apple crumble No visible signs, avoid

Rasputin’s top tip. the “mad monk” was the target ot many assassination attempts, including one to poison him with huge doses of cyanide Amazingly, he survived, having deliberately exposed himself to increasing amounts of poison oyer the years to build up some immunity. Of course he was eventually shot and dumped in a frozen river. Not much you can do about that.

Day 192

Today ask your parents to help you stage a realistic reconstruction of your birth.

Strange how little we know about the details of the most important moment of our life: its beginning. And yet there are witnesses to the act! Enlist them to recreate that magical instant where you burst forth. Only by understanding where you came from will you fully understand where you’re going.

GET IT RIGHT!

Details to check and replicate:

• When and where did the waters break?

• How did you get to hospital?

• What time was it?

• How long did the delivery take?

• What drugs were administered?

• Were stirrups involved?

• Was the father in the room?

• Did you put up a fight?

• Which bit came out first?

• Did you cry when spanked by the nurse?

• Who cut the umbilical cord?

Warning: Do not attempt to recreate a Caesarian without qualified medical assistance.

Day 194

8 points.

20 points.

HOW WELL HAVE YOU DONE? Here are scores based on the relative difficulty of these mind changes.

From opposing the death penalty to supporting it:

From supporting the death penalty to opposing it:

From supporting abortion to opposing it:

From opposing abortion to supporting it:

From belief in God to agnosticism:

From agnosticism to atheism:

From belief in God to atheism:

From atheism to belief in God:

From supporting belief in a God who supports the death penalty for abortionists to the opposite:

5 points.

7 points.

11 points.

6 points.

4 points.

12 points.

14 points.

CHANGE SOMEONE’S MIND TODAY

Only fools never change their mind. Help save someone from such folly by arguing them out of their deeply held views on a controversial subject.

Day 195

Leave a note on someone’s car windscreen

I’m a traffic warden but today I feel lenient. Don’t do it again though.

We’ve discovered your car is the one responsible for all the damage to the ozone layer; please bike to work in future.

I’m the engineer who made this vehicle. The brakes aren’t very good cos I was hungover that day. Watch out.

Day 196

Option to take early retirement at age of twenty, but then work from fifty until death

Tax breaks for people who pick up other people’s litter

“Whistling while you work” to be made compulsory

“5 items or less” supermarket rules to be enforced by special zero-tolerance

police force .

Anarchy Day”: police to take the day off once a year to remind people why they exist

side of the moon

TODAY,

GO SEE YOUR MP WITH YOUR SUGGESTION FOR A NEW LAW It is a tribute to our democracy that anyone can turn up to see their elected representative at a weekly clinic. This ensures that MPs are in direct touch with the masses, and allows issues to filter up into the national debate. Sadly, too many people raise cliched matters such as their gas bill, rubbish collections, or the latest war. Today, make an appointment to see your MP and propose your very own piece of legislation, demanding that they bring it up in parliament as well as with the relevant government minister. Only by injecting fresh ideas into the political debate will we keep democracy alive!

Day 199

Today, agree to meet someone in 10 years’ time.

We, the undersigned, may only know each other casually, but we hereby agree to meet

up in exactly ten years’ time at.................(hour)

on the ..............(date) | at .............(place).

In case we have changed beyond recognition, we agree to wear the following identifying items of clothing:.............. In case we have nothing to say to each other, here is a list of current “hot” topics to reminisce about:..............

Signed

See you in ten years’ time.

Fill in this coupon and hand it to a stranger or someone you hardly know.

Day 200

DUMP YOUR PARTNER FOR THE DAY

The best way to reinvigorate a relationship is a short, sharp separation. Today, announce to your other half that you’re done with them and storm out.

TOP TIPS FOR THE TEMPORARILY SINGLE

PLAY THE FIELD: technically you’re not in a relationship today, so fool around and satisfy your animal lust.

BITCH ABOUT HIM/HER: provided vou don’t tell them it’s only for the day, your friends will enjoy revealing they actually hated your ex.

DO THAT THING THAT YOU STOPPED DOING BECAUSE THEY HATE IT: pluck your nose hair in front of the TV, wear those furry slippers, let the phone ring and ring.

ENJOY A BOTTLE OF WINE ALL BY YOURSELF: solitary drinking is much more fun on your own.

MASTURBATION RULES OK!

as Woody Allen famously said, it’s sex with someone you love.

Benrik apologize if your relationship breaks down as a result of today. Fortunately, we have just the thing to help you patch it up. After showing you how to live, Benrik are showing you how to love! The Couple’s Book; The indispensable companion to any self-respecting relationship. The Couple s Book is a book for two, in which couples write down issues for the other to read, register their moments of bliss, and generally chart the state of the relationship. Buy it together, read it together, fight over it together. Available at all good bookshops!

Today, tattoo a banana. Scrape its skin with a sharp implement and watch it go black in minutes! Display it on your windowsill.

Day 202

Day 203

€IGHT MILLION WAVS TO Dl€

We all have to die of something. Today make your preference known by ranking this selection of ways to die from 1 to 100.

Hit by truck............../100 | Dropped on head............../100

Hit by car............../100 | Gangrene............../100

Hit by bus............../100 | Choking............../100

Volcanic eruption............../100 | Choking on a bone............../100

Earthquake............../100 | Choking on a nut............../100

Meteorite on head............../100 | Unexpected nut allergy............../100

Cancer............../100 | Lift brake failure............../100

Burnt alive............../100 | Spacesuit leak............../100

Flower pot falls on head............./100 | Stabbed............../100

Fall under train............../100 | Stabbed in the back............../100

Pushed under train............../100 | Bludgeoned with baseball bat......../100

Plane crash............../100 | Abducted by aliens for tests......../100

Parachute jammed............../100 | Gas............../100

Cocaine overdose............../100 | Paper cut............../100

Heroin overdose............../100 | Lethal injection............../100

Painkiller overdose............../100 | Electric chair............../100

Trampled at rock concert............./100 | Guillotine............../100

Struck by lightning............../100 | Duel............../100

Ebolavirus............../100 | Suicide............../100

Snake bite............../100 | Suicide-bombed............../100

Snake constriction............../100 | Suicide-bomber............../100

Tarantula............../100 | Food-poisoned............../100

Scorpion............../100 | Alcohol-poisoned............../100

Swallowed wasp............../100 | Poison-poisoned............../100

Broken heart............../100 | Poisoned umbrella tip............../100

Nuclear bomb............../100 | In my sleep (N/A)............../100

Anthrax in mail............../100 | Machine-gunned............../100

Friendly fire............../100 | Hypothermia............../100

Spontaneous combustion............../100 | Heart attack............../100

Eaten by sharks............../100 | Malaria............../100

Eaten by cannibals............../100 | Measles............../100

Eaten by piranhas............../100 | Mumps............../100

Eaten by dinosaurs............../100 | Smallpox............../100

Eaten by zombies............../100 | Cholera............../100

Eaten by flesh-eating bug............/100 | Whooping cough............../100

Drowned............../100 | Black death............../100

Hanged............../100 | Car accident............../100

Lynched............../100 | Mafia............../100

Strangled............../100 | Buried alive............../100

Decapitated............../100 | Prematurely cremated............../100

Crucified............../100 | Routine surgery gone wrong........../100

Sliced up............../100 | Bondage session gone wrong........../100

Disembowelled............../100 | Superman impression gone wrong....../100

Eviscerated............../100 | Russian roulette............../100

Microwaved............../100 | Murdered by serial killer.........../100

Vaporized............../100 | Assassinated............../100

Shot in head............../100 | Ransom unpaid by family............./100

Shot in heart............../100 | Caught in crossfire............../100

Shot in stomach............../100 | Fall into vat of acid............../100

Shot in foot............../100 | Hara Kiri............../100

Day 204

Today everyone is co send in a line co creace che world’s longesc poem.

They will be collated as they are e-mailed to www.benrik.co.uk, and the result published across the whole world as soon as a suitable final line is deemed to have been found and we think of a good title.The opening line is:

“MERCY, CRIED THE POPINJAY TO THE POPE”

Work on your line here:

The lambic Pentameter for idiots:This oeuvre is to be composed in iambic pentameters, undoubtedly the most versatile form in the English poetic idiom.The iambic pentameter runs ti-tum ti-tum ti-tum ti-tum ti-tum, its ten syllables tripping off the tongue effortlessly, thus enabling the poet to propel his meaning forth. William Shakespeare wrote mostly in iambic parameters:“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate”, and so on and so forth. If it was good enough for him, it’s good enough for you. Happy composing. Read a review of the poem so far at poetryfoundation.org. Or view the poem itself at benrik.co.uk/v I/poetry.

Day 205

SENSE-LESS DAY

Go through today without using your sense of: taste

HOW TOiGARGIE W1 ।11 S’*m 1’ ^OAT OPICAL ANAESTHETIC (Cjfl AINING Pin Ho tty BENZOCAINE) Td®UMB#OUR TONGUE BEFOPf BATING.

True story: Michael F., 45, lost his sense of taste at the age of 8 following a viral infection that damaged the cranial nerve fibres that carry information from the taste buds to the brain. His condition is known as “ageusia,” meaning full loss of taste, which is a very rare disorder. At the time, his main gripe concerned inability to distinguish between ice cream flavours’. He did however develop a reputation for being able to ingest insects and some of the smaller lizards without batting an eyelid. He now lives in Denver with his wife and two children, and is reconciled to his loss.

Day 206

Recoveryour umbilical cord today Anyone who has a baby these days is going towant to hang on to its umbilical cord, full of stem cells that promise a cure for many previously untreatable diseases. Today call the hospital where you were born to try and locate your umbilical cord. Perhaps it was just chucked in a drawer, or a cupboard.

Speak to the midwife who delivered you and ask if she remembers where they put it. Check that your Mum didn’t keep it for luck.

Found it? Then call a cryopreservation company and arrange an immediate pick-up.

Day 207

^^^^^^^ Traffic

RussiafTTtoulette

Traffic Russian Roulette is all the rage amongst the restless youth in the vast suburbs of Ukrainian dormitory towns. It’s easy to take part, less easy to win. The idea is simply to cross the road without looking. Start with an

easy road and progress to the trickier

1. Path in your local park Threats: dogs, joggers, pushchairs.

ones.

2. Country lane

Threats: cows, tractors, idiots in sports cars.

3. Main road

Threats: cars, buses, trucks.

4. German autobahn

Threats: Mercedes, BMW, Porsche.

TODAY TEST THE POWER OF PRAYER Prayer is a very much undcrcxpknted resource in modern society. Just because prayers sound fancier if they’re about world peace doesn’t mean they can’t work for more mundane matters. Put those atheistic leanings aside and test the power of prayer today.

Dear God, May mlcresl rales slay as they are so ihal I may not be Jbrced to sell my home and live out in the

Dear Lani, May you ensure Jine togather ws wcrktwd as 1 am pin lining la plant those jmtinias.

suburbs where the houses are ugly and /.he parks are brown.

Father;

Please let the supermarket not have run oul of seabass for /hen I shall be forced to reconsider toy entire dinner parly menu.

Dear Lord.

Help me find the strength e -up buying those ‘cousitinct goods that I cannot afford, ‘ such as that L59.90 until order breadmaker.

Father,

Please stop those pigeons Jrom shilling on my doorsteps. I do nol wish to harm them but they are driving me berserk with their cooing all night long.

Dear God, J ft ffy that the television channels I receive may pro^g yiderlain big enough this week lo Jill Ilie black hole that is my social UJe.

hol’d

PltM let my boss ma/he (hut! have hem xovdimg like a dogmtdgmiil me that day iff that l urgently need to go to the I’D dime

Dear God,

I gray that my girl/ijend toon’I leave me. I dum/icd her /or a day hist tveel as Pen ri I: surest cd and .the can not see the Jobe.

Answered ■ Not answered ■

Day 209

Today, lend your mobile to a homeless person and ask them to take your calls, screening out anyone they don’t like the sound of.

Important Message!

Important Message!

.A.m. D P.m. D

.A.m. □ P.m. □

Time.

.Time.

Telephoned

Telephoned

Date.

Caller.

Date....

Caller.

Of..............

Phone number.

Of...........

Phone number.

□ Will call again □ □ Wishes to see you □

□ Will call again □ □ Wishes to see you □

Returned your call Q

Please call

Returned your call Q

Please call

They’re busyl

Response: They’re deadl

They hate youl

Fack offl

Can I take a message?

They’re busyl

Response: They.re dead.

They hate youl

Fack offl

Can I take a message?

Important Message!

Important Message!

Am. □ p.m. n

Time.

Telephoned

Date....

Caller...

Of...........

Phone number.

□ Will call again □ □ Wishes to see you □

Returned your call []

Please call

They’re busyl

Response: They’re deadl

They hate youl

Fack offl

Can I take a message?

Date....

Caller.

Of...........

Phone number.

Telephoned

.Time.

.A.m. □ P.m. □

□ Will call again

□ Wishes to see you □

Returned your call Q

Please call

They’re busyl

Response: They’re deadl

They hate youl

Fack offl

Can I take a message?

Day 210

Today send a letter to someone at random with a photo of your self, a £5 bill, no explanation and no sender address, see what comes of it.

Day 211: Have a row with everyone you meet

Let off steam with this extreme stress-relief method. Its easy: you can start a row over anything, from rip-off taxi fares to rubbish collectors not doing their job properly. Start with insolence, and build up to a nuclear rage. Refuse to see sense!

Reasonableness is the chloroform of our times, the mental cage from which wc dare not escape. It is permanent compromise, which on/) hormone-addled teenagers and mad poets may challenge. Today, revolt against sensibleness: uith everyone yon meet, rage, burn and ravel

Day 212: Opt out of the internet today

It is a cliche to point out just how much electronic data is being collected about us. From surveillance CCTV cameras to electronic banking, from supermarket loyalty schemes to internet service-provider logs, there is hardly any aspect of our lives that isn’t monitored by someone somewhere. If the current trends continue, we are told, we will end up with a police state.

What many fail to realize, however, is that it is already too late. Your privacy is only protected by the limits of the technology: all this information is currently stored in disparate locations. But as processing power expands and databases are increasingly interconnected, we are heading for the emergence of a unified computer record of all the current information about you; this is the future of the internet.

For an authoritarian government of the future, it will be child’s play to search your file automatically, and convict you retrospectively for anything you have said or done today. What may seem innocuous now, may.be regarded as subversive in twenty years’ time. It is therefore quite possibly too late to save yourself, but you can at least try to limit the damage.

WIPE THE RECORD

Erase any blogs you have written. Delete any message-board posts. Unsubscribe from any email lists. Cancel your credit cards. Never google again. Try to cancel your virtual presence.

CONFUSE THE DATABASE

Already today, software looks for recognizable patterns to help categorize you. Prevent them from pinning you down: invest in weapons stocks one minute, and give to a landmine charity the next.

CHANGE YOUR NAME

A unique name makes it easier to track you down: there aren’t that many “Archibald Dokins” about. Change your name by deed poll to something common, like “Sam Brown”, to help cover your electronic tracks.

DESTROY THIS BOOK

Ownership of anti-state instructions may in itself constitute an offence in the future. Destroy this book, and ask the bookshop you bought it from to delete your transaction from its records.

Day 213: Today stalk an Animal!

It is only recently that humans have pulled ahead of the pack and started considering ourselves superior to others^ ^t °f the P0Ck and started roots by stalking another creature It maftakay Today™turn to your animal d>.S2 S-art With s°mething simple like a ^trV^ to9et the han9 Of Study its behaviour. Scare the hall out nf n ^lf^lts urme. Scan its tracks. If ft denounces you to the anima! protect,on peoafe1^™ m* ^ damn thin9-you too are an animal and therefore covarJ^^ era,nd them that technically legion. !fallelse falls eilher howl at the

Day 214: Week of Revolution! Underground

Print your own Samizdat

Day 215: Week of Revolution! Exile

Foment unrest away from home

Following yesterday’s outburst, you will have been banished. Use this time wisely to make contacts in the revolutionary diaspora. Distribute pamphlets outside offices, speak at covert meetings, rouse the rabble! If you do not come to the attention of the local authorities, you are not fomenting hard enough.

Day 216: Week of Revolution! Propaganda

DEVELOP YOUR OWN REVOLUTIONARY BRAND

With so many things to oppose, it’s important to give your revolution some individuality. It could be out-of-control facial hair, an unusual scapegoat (the weather?) or a rhetorical device, like starting all your sentences with “But!”

REMINDER: THE STATUS QUO IF your revolution is simply o generic one agoinst the status quo, here is a reminder of its basics: our world is dominated by o globol elite bosed on interlocking military economic social ond cultural networks, organised to exploit the rest of us os workers and consumers, ond configured to exclude even the possibility of serious dissent.

Day 217: Week of Revolution! Revolution

HIJACK A TRAIN TO THE SCENE OF YOUR COUP

No revolution is complete without the spectacular arrival from the hills of the bearded revolutionaries. Today board a train and demand that it divert to the government HQ, or better still, the TV station, where you will take over the country, using force of some description.

Day 218: Week of Revolution! New Dawn

IMPOSE YOUR NEW SOCIETY

The hardest part is done. Now we must change society. Form neighbourhood committees, headed by the local Benrik reader. Pool all your salaries (including bonuses and benefits in kind) and divide them equally. Put the addresses of your houses in a hat and just reallocate them at random. Enforce equality of opportunity. Then take the rest of the day off as a national holiday.

Day 219: Week of Revolution! Purge

NOW UQUIDATE ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE YOU’VE MET THIS WEEK

“DON’T THINK. IF YOU THINK, DON’T SPEAK. IF YOU SPEAK, DON’T WRITE. IF YOU WRITE, DON’T SIGN. IF YOU THINK, SPEAK, WRITE AND SIGN — DON’T BE SURPRISED!!!”

Day 220: Negative Thinking Day

Positive thinking is enjoying a resurgence, with books on “cosmic ordering”, “The Secret”, and other recipes for attitude-based success topping the bestseller lists. Find out very quickly if there is something in it by adopting the opposite mindset: think negatively all day and see if negative things do indeed befall you.

“Uh-oh it’s going to rain!” Did it rain? Yes □ No □

“Is this baby going to cry at me?” Did the baby cry at you? Yes □ No □

“There are sharks in the water for sure.” Were there sharks in the water? Yes □ No □

“This computer is going to crash and lose all my documents”
Did the computer crash? Yes □ No □

“Hot cotfee! Could burn my tongue..” Did your tongue get burnt? Yes □ No □

“I must have run out ot money this month!’ Had you run out of money? Yes □ No □

“I’m going to get run over I just know it.” Did you get run over? Yes □ No □

“It’s going to fall on my head!” Did it fall on your head? Yes □ No □

“This man looks like he’s going to arrest me!”
Did you get arrested? Yes □ No □

“My house is probably being burgled!” Did your house get burgled? Yes □ No □

“Terronsts might crash it into my building!’ Did terrorists try crashing it into your building? Yes □ No □

“What if the sun suddenly explodes and we all get pulverized in the blast?” Did the sun explode? Yes □ No □

Day 221: Sabotage Focus Groups Today

Focus groups arc the engine rooms of the market economy, w here new products and services are presented to consumers for approval or rejection. They represent a unique early opportunity to dictate far-reaching corporate decisions. Today, attend a focus group, and skew the outcome in a much more creative direction. Remember; no reaction is too

Call and volunteer your services:

The Research House Ltd 020 7935 4979

Focus Network 020 8563 7117

Ase Research 020 7580 7757

ridiculous or too random, particularly if you can convince Others in the focus group to hack you up.

“Contemporary morris-dancing, that’s the next big thing.”

“That ad features too many people with receding hairlines.”

“Champagne-flavoured toothpaste, that’s what’s missing from my life.”

“No one buys white toilet paper these days, it’s not trendy.”

“Risk-takers like me would love a car without an airbag.”

“Everyone would buy this shampoo if only you made it glow in the dark.’

Day 222: Today Stare Into Other People’s Homes

If people didn’t wont you to look at their carefully designed living space, they’d put up curtains. There’s no actual law against nosiness, so draw up a folding chair outside their windows and peer as much as you like.

Like what you see? Then knock and ask if you can become a bona fide friend of the family. That way, you get to enjoy the decor close up, and they’ll stop wasting their time calling 999 about privacy invasions.

Common domestic scenes to look out for include: families eoting their dinner, housewives wotching TV, kids doing their homework, clocks ticking, bobies crying, neighbours borrowing cups of sugor, teenagers picking up the phone, salesmen doing their spiel, dogs fouling the corpet, wives cheating on their husbonds, husbands cheating on their wives, lovers hiding in cupboards, boiliffs repossessing the fridge, grannies beating their cots, sodomasochistic suburban orgies, cockroaches jumping in the soup, instances of spontaneous combustion, plots being hotched ogoinst civilization itself. Don’t get caught peekingl

Day 223: Today, make friends with the geniuses of tomorrow

Don’t you wish you had met Einstein or Bill Gates when they were young and still struggling? How easy it would have been to befriend them In their hour of need, only to share in their glory and money later.Today, track down the future leading lights of their general ion and become firm friends. How to spot them: geniuses should be recognizable by their manifest brilliance, but also by their endearing eccentricities — keep an eye out for both.

Scientific genius? Lifetime ambition: to win Nobel Prize for working out how to escape from black holes (est 2033) Endearing eccentricity: only trims nasal hair in left nostril Where to befriend: outside university labs

Artistic genius? Lifetime ambition: to create artwork that makes everyone who sees it burst into tears of joy (est 2015) Endearing eccentricity: bites other people’s fingernails Where to befriend: art school end-of-year shows

Musical genius? Lifetime ambition: to write the official anthem of the first lunar colony (est. 2023) Endearing eccentricity: barks back at passing dogs Where to befriend: deserted gigs in dodgy pubs

Lifetime ambition: first surgeon to transplant brains between a reptile and a mammal (est. 2054) Endearing eccentricity: laughs at bad news on TV Where to befriend: local A&E

Lifetime ambition: to write bestseller in her very own alphabet (est. 2067) Endearing eccentricity: carries fite extinguisher in handbag Where to befriend: In quietest comer of libraries

Lifetime ambition: squaring the circle (est, 2050)

Endearing eccentricity: counting hairs on your head as he first meets you

Where to befriend: local OCD support group

Lifetime ambition: winning Oscar for portrayal of Hamlet as pre-op transsexual (est 2041) Endearing eccentricity: too many to list

Where to befriend: Edinburgh Fringe

Lifetime ambition: doing secret deal with alien master race to carve up the Earth between them (est 2097) Endearing eccentricity: pinching small children until they wet themselves Where to befriend: local Jobcentre

Day 224: Today, Dance with Death

We are only ever one minute away from the end. Today, experience death’s insane proximity so as to savour life all the more. Stand next to a running chainsaw. Stumble on the train platform. Stare

Day 225: Talk to a plant for at least one hour today

Good things to say to a plant: “Grow, you plants are the best”, “Try to touch the sky”, “You’re the best plant in the world”, “Try your best at growing”, “You’re so pretty with your light green, dark green and green colours” Bad things to say to a plant: “Die you nasty plants, die”, “You are the worst plants in the world” “Die you worthless pieces of green seeds”, “You are so ugly when you are standing up, so fall over and don’t get up”, “You are so ugly when you’re green, and you wouldn’t be ugly if you were brown and falling over”. ’

Day 226: Internet Vigilante Day

Today police the internet yourself

<cutie69er> asl

<cutie69er> im 13

<LuvinBoy> 1^&,^^ysi^‘l 1 | Z—I

<Ready> hello ctyie | 1

<cutie69er> hi J

<LuvinBoy> 3 Jears older]

<LuvinBoy> hehe

<Vigilante> Hey you two are underage!

<LuvinBoy> hi

<hottiewithabody> no freedom im am too! haha Cassandra sets mode: +b *!*@26E1AC.

<hottiewithabody> im in this HUGE fight with a few ppi just b/c i stated the facts <Freedom2Fight4> sure u are someboy <someAboy> lol

l_6931> and u r a moron who’s only a man behind

EBA119B.7903A39D.IP

<MasterYoda> bored bored bored bored aziz is

now known as SwEeT_BoY_MsN

<cutie69er> hi

<Vigilante> cutie69er isn’t it past your bedtime?

<LuvinBoy> wazzup...

*someAboy thinks freedom2fight4 is wrong

<handsomeboy_932> 18,mmalaysia

<cutie69er> nm

<sexypip> any m wnt chat, 15 f uk

<Freedom2Fight4> sure u are hottie

<LuvinBoy> nm?

<Freedom2Fight4> whys that some boy

<CKY_17> hi

<hottiewithabody> i am if you knew me you

would agree too

<Vigilante> enough of this lechery let’s talk about something else guys and girls

*someAboy isnt too coward to state facts that are insulting... freedom2fight4 u suck....

(an insulting fact)

<cutie69er> hi any hot guys? gangsta_18 is

now known as Wolf_King

<someAboy> :)

<someAboy> lol

<DrPel_6931> Any girl who wants to have a real talk pvt me (Spanish,German.Italian,French, language iis not a problem-)

<Vigilante> Dr? You don’t sound like a teen, get out of our chatroom

<Freedom2Fight4> well i dont and thats why im neutral at the moment

<DrPel_6931> Any girl who wants to have a real talk pvt me (Spanish,German.Italian,French, language iis not a problem-)

a computer 8-)

<Vigilante> cutie69er pvt me and I’ll help you fight these degenerates

‘SEXYIRISHGIRL sits on the arms chair

*SHAZ hey someAboyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

<DrPel_6931> and u r a moron who’s only a man behind a computer 8-)

<nurse> hiya everyone

<Vigilante> a nurse? Whatever next?

Cassandra sets mode: +b *!*sweet_gi*@* nurse is now known as nurse_538

*Web_Cam_BoY please Au want WEB CAM girls

<Baby_Bunny> ANY1 FOUND ANY PERVES 2NI

<Vigilante> it’s full of perverts raaaaaghh hhhh DrPel_6931> :S damn it

<DrPel_6931> someone dropped me :S

<hobby> where are hot girls ?

<Vigilante> where are they thosedripping hot ones?????????!!!!!!

*SHAZ hb someAboy

<scrpion1> hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

<nurse_538> he wants a three some y u not up 4 that Cassandra sets mode: +b *!*araCroft@* <hobby> any girl wanna chat

<LuvinBoy> anybody want to tok dirty pvt me

<Vigilante> DIRTY LITTLE WHORES OF BABYLON!!!!!

<beachgirl> hi room

<samiekins_3469> here!

“SEXYIRISHGIRL sneezes

<hobby> hi beach girl

<samiekins_3469> yeah n e fit guys wntin sommat gooooood pvt me

<Vigilante> that’s better. Bye for now.

*someAboy is back... again

<samiekins_3469> :P

Day 227: Handcuff yourself to public fixtures today

Nothing creates intrigue around you like being nJHHpto a publicfixture. It projects a heady ^^WSpStery, danger and vulnerability, which wpnract interest from all sorts of people, no^fbast law-enforcement types. You may use the occasion to protest on a favourite issue, by folding up billboards, chanting slogans, p haranguing passers-by and so on; but the true ^ believers in extreme life-change should just stand there silently. Non-specific protest is so Egjnw.ch more potent: it challenges everything.

Day 228: Today lobby Celine Dion to sing about you

Celine Dion has enjoyed a meteoric rise to global fame. She has sold over 130 million records worldwide and now stars in one of the most successful live shows in the history of entertainment. But her wide repertoire of songs has not yet featured you. Today write to her and suggest yourself as a fertile song topic, detailing your life story and how you think you would fit thematically into her oeuvre. Here is Celine’s life to inspire you with emotional connections between your journey and hers.

Celine was born in 1968 in a picturesque small town in Quebec named Charlemagne. The youngest of 14 children (I), she learned the art of entertainment early on, performing with her siblings for the benefit of the locals in her parents’ pianobar. At the age of 12, she announced to her mother that she wanted to sing. They composed a song together and contacted one of Montreal’s pre-eminent managers, Rene Angelil, in January 1981. Rene was so entranced by Celine’s voice that he cried. He then remortgaged to finance her first album and set about introducing her talent to the world! She became an overnight sensation in her native Quebec with her French-language single ‘La voix du bon dieu’ (‘The voice of God’), written by Eddy Marnay — apparently the words that Marnay exclaimed when he first heard her sing. International success swiftly followed, when she won the gold medal at the Yamaha World Song Festival in Tokyo barely a year after her debut. The next five years saw her become a huge star in the French-speaking world, with classic hit albums such as ‘Du Soleil Au Coeur’ and ‘Incognito’, which went platinum. Her global breakthrough came in 1988, when she won the Eurovision Song contest, singing ‘Ne partez pas sans moi’ for Switzerland, wowing 600 million

Write to: Celine Dion, A New Day, Caesars Palace, 3570 Las Vegas Boulevard, Las Vegas, NV8910g, USA

yet love knows no such barriers. Their admiration and respect for each other had grown into something more, and on December 17, 1994, they married in Montreal, to the delight of her fans. Meanwhile her worldwide success showed no sign of abating. ‘D’Eux’ broke through the French language barrier in 1995 to become the biggest-selling French hit in history, netting Celine the knighthood of the order of arts and letters from the French government for being the ‘best ambassadress of the French language’.

Merci beaucoup! In Britain she topped the charts for weeks with the ballad ‘Think Twice’, which sold over a million copies. This success, however, was all but eclipsed in 1996 and 19g7 when successive albums ‘Falling Into You’ and ‘Let’s Talk About Love’ sold roughly 30 million worldwide — each! The song ‘My Heart Will Go On’, movie theme song of ‘Titanic’, won an Oscar and became a favourite wedding song for fans of Celine. The Nineties were fittingly topped by an authorized biography by Georges-Hebert Germain and a collection of greatest hits, ‘All The Way... A Decade Of Song’, which featured such classics as ‘The Power Of Love’, ‘Because You Loved Me’, and ‘K You Asked Me To’, along with some brand new songs.

viewers throughout the world in the process! In September 1990 she capitalized on this by releasing ‘Unison’, her first English language album, which scored a huge hit in the US with the Top 5 single ‘Where Does My Heart Beat Now’. But this was just the beginning! In 1991 she sang the title soundtrack for Disney’s ‘The Beauty and the Beast’, which rocketed to No1 and won an Academy Award as well as a Grammy. Celine by now was unstoppable, with her eponymous album ‘Celine Dion’ spawning no less than FOUR more hit singles. To top it all off, Celine had found love. Rene Angelil was 26 years her senior,

By the end of 1999, Celine was long overdue for a break! She decided to take some well-deserved time off from her hectic schedule. In spite of this, there was an unexpected release for her fans in 2001: her baby son, Rene-Charles Angelil, born on January 25! After two years off, Celine returned to showbiz in 2002 with a new blockbusting album, A New Day Has Come’, an immediate No1 across the globe, with fans reassuring Celine she had not been forgotten! If anything, her schedule has got busier since her break, with several new albums, a perfume launch, and in March 2003, the opening of her own show at Caesar’s Palace Las Vegas! Bravo Celine!

Day 229

AWTHBR’S HAY: AVOTHBR YOUR AWTHBR

POR A

NGB

Wake her up and cook breakfast

Do up her shoelaces

Wash and comb her hair

Hold tier hand as you cross the street

Write her a sick note

Give her a piggyback

Drag her around the supermarket

Breastfeed her (well, it was weird for her too at the time)

Hug her when she’s sad

Bake her a cake

Tuck her into bed and lull her to sleep with a story and a kiss

Help her with her homework

Take her to church

And for very special mums Carry her around in your stomach for 9 months, throwing up now and again

Wipe her bottom

Play peek-a-boo

Kiss her boo-boo better

Knit her a jumper

Explain about the birds and the bees

Darn her socks

Give up your career for her

Put a plaster on her knee when she falls over

She gave birth to you. She brought you up. She loved you unconditionally. She gave you her all. It’s time you repaid her. A mere card won’t do. Today, take care of her the way she took care of you.

Toda* ^iS^^^

you w« absorb | vou eat it rather th”

Nutritional m^^oo pages Topical values Per Energy W 4565 Kcal 780

S^^8.3g

(of which

Fat4 ?h saturates) 3.9g (of which saxui

Fibre 98g Sodium trace

Day 231

Make someone bate you tobay

Hatred is as mysterious and volatile an emotion as love. It is fairly easy to pinpoint why we dislike someone. Dislike is socially acceptable, one of the inevitable lubricants of our close-quarters living. But hatred is socially disruptive. Its intensity is pathological. It overrules rational

argument and shreds the social fabric. What drives anyone to hate? Find out today by trying to make someone hate you. It can be someone who already dislikes you, or you can start from scratch with a stranger or a friend. Good luck, and don’t forget to tell them it was a joke tomorrow!

IGNORE THEM: When your receptionist smiles and says hi as usual, pretend she’s invisible, pause for a moment as if trying to locate the source of a particularly nasty smell, and stride on into the lift.

ATTACK THEIR FAMILY: Ask your neighbour over the garden fence if she minds that her husband sees the dominatrix in Pond St every other Monday evening on his way home. Say you assumed she knew as everyone else seems to.

INSULT THEIR BELIEFS: Your great-aunt has been praying fervently all her life to get to heaven. Get her a free subscription to Science magazine with instructions to look out for articles on what actually happens after death.

Day 232

GRAPHOLOGY DAY

Manipulate others through your handwriting

The science of graphology is often used for such unambitious purposes as assessing job candidates or identifying criminals. Its true potential, however, lies in its capacity to help you control people’s impressions of you, regardless of what you actually write. Here are the basics: use them to your advantage.

Different slanting writing: you are unstable

Backward-sloping writing you are a rebel

you are extravagant

Is dotted to the left:

Upward-sloping writing:

you are a born optimist

Exira large writing:

you are an egomaniac

l^cm . z^’^ATm^jH/^/^

Disconnected writing:

you are introverted

HO PE THH NUCLEAR DISASTER DO M N .7ER FERE WllH MYPA IN7 ING

High-looped writing:

you are a dreamer

Extra wide writing:

Light pressured writing:

you are easily led

1 >W XX/XX§&^ LS T gtAcK M^^EttWKQE

Widely spaced writing:

you are antisocial

Ts crossed at the top:

you are a born leader

.•1US t cuf 6 i/det^ Fu£A/ IF iw^/W

jAcK|N& fh ew\ Tu: ^ Tim-e.5 cacC. ‘-£>.

you are a procrastinator

“Cute writing:

you are an American teenage girl

W^su.#? W;

Day 234

WRITE A MESSAGE TO THE FUTURE

Mark the envelope “DO NOT OPEN UNTIL JUNE 1, 2104”. Begin the letter with today’s date and To Whom It May Concern. Suitable topics: world peace, evolutionary trends, suggestions on how to deal with living on other planets, predictions, anecdotes from our times that might interest future generations (sport, “hot news”, society, dress trends, etc). Hide the envelope so that it won’t be found for a hundred years.

Day 235

age in the final analysis you’ve got to grasp the nettle with, both hands and give one hundred and ten percent ifyou wantto stay ahead of the

game after all it’s a dog-eat-dog world where the fat cat powers that be will stab yon in the bacK with a crushing blow if you don’t come up to scratch and you won’t know what hit you so don’t get caught

napping with your pants down — because then unless you get your act together and cut the mustard you’re well and truly up for a rude awakening at least according to the doom merchants though let’s not make a drama out of a । crisis; look on the bright side.* even if it all goes pearshaped and you’re left in the lurch, your heart is in the right place and now so long as you can. keep your head above water and the wolf from the door you’ll be able to spend time with your family and get away from it all anyway let’s do lunch so I can rub it in.

Have a nice day.

Day 236

Monopolize radio phone-ins today

Radio stations love phone-ins because they’re a cheap way of filling airtime. You love them because they’re a golden opportunity to charm the nation. Call a different talk show every hour today, and impress listeners all over the country with your wit, insight and irresistible personality. By this evening, you should aim to have become a much-loved national figure, with offers pouring in for your very own show.

Media training in 3 easy steps:

1) | Before going live, you wilt be put through to a junior researcher who will want to check that you have something relatively sane to say. OnCeyou.are on air, don’t feel obliged to stick to it of course.

2) | Listeners will be busy doing the ironing, driving to work and generally getting on with their lives. To lodge yourself in their consciousness, you will need an original angle: the prime minister has an evil twin, perhaps, or the national lottery is a money-laundering front.

3) | Every great media personality needs a memorable catchphrase, that kids will repeat in the playground and bores will repeat in the pub. “Nice to see you, to see you nice” is memorable. “Am I on air yet?” is not. Try to sign off dramatically as well, although not by slamming the phone down, which soon grows tiresome.

TASTIC!!

Day 238

Optional: Then kill them, chop them up and stuff them under the floorboards

Day 239

Day 240

lUfflU BAY

Find the key to a lost childhood memory. A bit of old cake dunked in tea did it for Proust. Go around sniffing everything today to see what triggers your recollections.

Cat’s pee: takes me back to our holidays in Southend when I was 2

Aeroplanes have an odour that triggers memories of my first kiss

Stale teabags remind me so of Grandma

The smell of flowers reminds me of the flowers I smelled as a child

Gym socks? My third grade maths teacher Miss Thornton

This madeleine has definitely gone off

Day 241

See a dead

body today

This may seem gruesome, but how can you hope to understand your mortality if you have never come face to face with death? Today, make arrangements to view a corpse, and reflect on the fleetingness of life.

VIEWING ETIQUETTE The deceased deserve respect. To arrange a viewing, contact your local funeral director in writing, outlining your reasons and asking for the permission of the bereaved relatives. Stress that you will not interfere with the funeral arrangements and offer to make a small donation to a charity of the family’s choice. At the viewing: remain silent, try to control your emotions and of course do not attempt to take photographs. Afterwards, go outside, take a deep breath of fresh air and enjoy life to the full while you can.

Made me reflect □ Didn’t make me reflect □

Day 242

Today throw away an apple core in a park. Mark the spot well, and come back in 20 years’ time to see your apple tree.

Is your apple tree lonely? Every apple tree needs another apple tree to cross-pollinate. Otherwise it will bear beautiful flowers, but will be barren of fruit... So ensure that you plant your tree near another (alternatively simply throw away two apple cores).

Day 243

This advice comes to you courtesy of Shailesh Gor, accountant to the stars. Besides accountancy, Shailesh loves cricket and pizza, and is available for your downsizing needs for a reasonable fee. Contact him via www.benrik.co.uk.

Downsizing Day

In the current economic climate, we must all cut costs. Today fire someone from your entourage.

HAIRDRESSER? £10 Cut your own hair or get a handy friend to do it. | CLEANER? -£30 Cleaners cost money and steal things. Plus it’s good exercise for you. | BUTCHER? £9 Become a vegetarian, it’s cheaper! | BROKER? £75 If they’re any good, why haven’t they retired rich by now?

BANKER? -£50 Keep your money under your mattress, the new generation of thieves aren’t trained to look there. | TRAINER? -£25 With all that cleaning (see above), you won’t need this one anymore. | PARTNER? -£900 All that romantic tete-a-tSte stuff costs a bomb. Ditch the bitch (or bastard). | CABLE GUY? £10 You watch too much TV.

DENTIST? -£110 Original teeth are overrated. There are very life-like prosthetics on the market these days. | LIBRARIAN? -£2 Can you afford those whopping fines? Reread your old books. | GARDENER? £15 You’ll learn to love gardening when you retire. Why not start now? | BODYGUARD? ■£870 No one’s going to kidnap you if you’re worth nothing.

OLD FRIENDS? -£100 Old friends expect birthday gifts and other such luxuries you can ill afford. Lose ’em. | PET? -£25 Save money twice by not only downsizing your pet, but eating it (if it is edible). | ACCOUNTANT? £15000 This one’s a no-no. They know too much about you. Keep ‘em. | THERAPIST? -£150 They also know too much about you, but nothing truly interesting. End it.

Day 245

TODAY, FAKE YOUR OWN KIDNAPPING AND SEE IF ANYONE PAYS THE RANSOM

We MAVS........ Nothin G WiLL HarM HeR/hiM if $50,000 iS Left HeRE:................by SAtuRDayat NOOn. Do Not coNtact the pOLice or sHe/ he WiLL diE HORriBLy. NO THCKs’ SignEchAnOnyMUs

How much do your loved ones really love you? Find out with this harmless subterfuge. Simply fill in this pre-prepared note; knock a few things over to make it look like there was a struggle; take yourself off to a remote country hotel for the day; watch events unfold. Bonus. Not only will you find out if you’re valued, but you could also walk away with a cool tax-free £SO,ODO!

Day 246

Most own goals in single football match

Sport has become the preserve of a drug-fuelled sponsorship-addled elite. An ordinary person today stands no chance of breaking a world record. So why bother playing by the rules? Today come up with your own way of making an imprint on sport history.

First marathon run backwards

Longest distance swum holding a rubber duck for buoyancy

Fastest cricket streaker

Only tennis match played entirely from the net

First barefoot ice hockey match

Day 247

& Today, confuse a

—large corporation

Ever felt helpless in the face of a corporate behemoth? Here’s your chance to get your own back. Start a dialogue with a utility about a fictitious meter. Claim you have recently moved and wish them to take over supply on this meter, which until now has been supplied by another utility. Ask the

corporation to get in touch with their competitor and arrange a transfer. Make up a credible-looking meter number (455 987), give them a reading (5 674.76), get a case reference number, and there you go: you have sparked off months if not years of fruitless correspondence.

Transgas

TeleTei

PowerWeb

CentraFuels

Electrica

Northerngas

Fuelsource

Metrix

WestComms

PacificBoard

MagnoGen

SLAMDUNK!

Can’t get service? Complain to the regulator: Ofgem 020 7901 7000

Day 248

Follow your body clock today

When the Lilliputians ^covered ^ ^ ^ did watch, they surmised it And indeed one of nothing without consul g^ ^ freedom is this the harshest | . to the hours, minutes

unquestioning o e | let your body clock

and seconds. Jody, | ^.^ devices,

take over. Ditch a , e ^ow well your switch Off your a arm | ^s you.

innate sense °X’Snc^ Sleep Lunch when you | naturally.

when y°Vethe S is -d you’ll free Donxr^

Day 249

BE SOMEONE’S GUARDIAN ANGEL TODAY Follow a stranger and assist them at every turn

Pay for their bus fare

Open doors for them

Shield them from excessive sunlight

Fight off potential muggers

Cut up their food for them

meetings

Take out their rubbish

And don t expect any thanks in return. Helpmg is its own reward.

Day 250

ob ysboT paritvisvs abisw^OBd

7am: | Brush your teeth and put on your pyjamas

8am: | Nothing like a glass of brandy to cheer you up

8 | .30am: Coffee and mints

9am: | Three-course dinner washed down with a nice

bottle of red (or two!)

10am: | Couple of drinks with colleagues in your

local bar to gossip

11 | am: | Work — say goodnight to your boss

12 | .05pm: God it’s been a long day

1pm: | Lunch hour!

3-6pm: | Meetings to set the day’s agenda

7pm: | Say good morning to everyone

8pm: | Time to read the day’s newspaper

8.30pm: Get the kids off to school

9pm: | Breakfast: scrambled eggs, tea and toast

10pm: | Shave (men), apply make-up (women)

10.30pm: Shower

11 pm: Get out of bed and smell the fresh morning air

Day 251

Hello Shelly

I was browsing the internet when I came across this rather revealing photograph of you, posted by your former boyfriend “Matt”. It is a sad day when those we trust with such intimate moments betray us. Meanwhile, I wonder if your current husband “Andrew” should see it? £50 says no.

BLACKMAIL SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET TODAY

Social networking allows everyone to share their most personal details with complete strangers. As the media regularly point out, this is imprudent.

Someone somewhere is no doubt harvesting drunken and sexual antics with a view

to blackmailing their authors twenty years from now when they’ve become MPs or judges. You should not wait. Today, trawl social networks for incriminating self-disclosure, and scare those responsible into being less naive.

Dear “Scoobster51”

In the future, your admission on the website “MySpace” that your hobbies include “pills, pills and more pills fcokin’ love it!!!” may handicap your employment prospects. I advise you to delete the reference, but don’t worry, I have a screenshot which I will keep secure for you for a mere £15 a year.

Dear Sophie

I enjoyed reading your blog, in which you refer to your mother as “the bitch” and to your father as “the eunuch”, for comic effect. I feel they would appreciate the joke and therefore propose to drop them a line about this via your school, Abingdon Girls Secondary, 56 Crown Road. Would you mind?

Good morning, | vistos Financial

^e you both Phil Barton, IT support manager for Vxst XftLre Limited, and Phiim,

out of focus, but the beard is unmistakeab )

NB No Dlackmailino of follow Ronrik roaHorcI That wnnlH | aacw

asite

In restaurants, finish other people’s leftovers

^ In our intricate society, there are many . opportunities for freeloading. Today, see if you can live literally at the expense of others.

Read newspapers and books-over other people’s shoulders

Day 254

your friends into the shape of a giant

caterpillar. Dig a nuclear-style crater on the beach. Send a message like

‘EMPEROR XORG WE ARE READY

FOR YOUR ARRIVAL’ in Morse with a

giant arc-lamp. CIA analysts too need something to lighten up their day.

Day 255

TODAY, EAT OR DRINK SOMETHING OLDER THAN YOURSELF There is something deliciously unnatural about ingesting matter that predates you on this planet. Pick one of the following and consume it.

WINE (o TO 150 YEARS) Nothing could be simpler than drinking wine older than yourself; stroll down to the nearest merchant and buy a bottle from the year before your birth. Bordeaux is a safe bet, although the risk-takers might pick a Burgundy. If the wine is very old, it will react extremely quickly to air. Leave it for 10 minutes to dissipate any ’bottle-stink’, then enjoy it in

WHISKY (10 TO 70 YEARS) A great bottle of single-malt Scotch should keep for the average human life span. It is only after 12 years in cask that it can truly be considered for drinking. If you can afford it, try the 1937 Glenfiddich, which only became fully drinkable in

the next half an hour, before the evanescent aroma of decades vanishes into thin clear air.

2001. It’s the oldest whisky in the world. There are only 60 odd bottles left worldwide. One will cost you $80,000 at the very least. But you’re guaranteed a taste of history.

DRIED MUSHROOMS (50 TO 70 YEARS) In the north of Japan, farmers preserve Maitake mushrooms by drying them on the slopes of the Ishikari volcanic mountains. Then they use a unique mix of whale blubber and spices to seal them into man-sized urns which they bury for a minimum of 50 years. The result? A moreish treat with delicate yet earthy overtones, prized for its cancer-

HANGAI YAK CHEESE (14 TO 60 YEARS) This hard cheese is the longest-lived

milk-based product in the history of food preservation. This is due in no small measure to the freezing climate of the Mongolian lowlands, where it is produced. The Hangai yak feeds on relatively acidic grasslands that provide the milk with some natural preservatives, which the Mongols then top up with

inhibiting properties. Simply brush off the dirt, soak in 23°c water for 5 hours, and fry gently for 10 minutes in extract of soya oil.

rennet. The cheese itself is an acquired taste. Dense and pungent, with an inch-thick rind, it is normally enjoyed as a meal on its own.

SALTED BEEF (5 TO 50 YEARS)

Salting of meat is an ancient preservation technique, particularly favoured by the Romans. Perhaps this is why some of the best salted

100-YEAR-OLD TURTLE SOUP

If your palate is jaded or you are already older than most of these delicacies, there is but one treat left for you: Chinese turtle soup made from

beef comes from the Italian region of Trentino. By using only the finest cuts and mixing in some saltpetre, the locals are able to hang them for up to 50 years, by which time they have developed a layer of scrumptious fine moss. Once you’ve got your hands on some (no easy task!), just bring it to boil and leave to simmer with some marjoram for three hours per kilo. Serve cold with beetroot and/or radishes.

century-old turtles. You will need to travel to Hunan, as export of food made from this endangered species is prohibited. There, you will need to scour the backstreets for the wily peasants who are still proficient in the art of hunting and deboning these increasingly rare ancestral beasts. The going rate for a bowl of this soup of soups is $3,000. nb: This trip is not recommended for anyone over 95 years old.

Day 256

Volunteer to become someone’s slave today Slavery is the new yoga. What better way to stop worrying about all life’s responsibilities than to hand them over to someone else?

““Himehi

Hom

UP WITH THE GOVERNMENT*

GOOD IKK WITH YOUR POllCIES!

the moj POLICE RULES!

Mpacf £6980!

Mm WW wim

w ^nm WEW f WE mi

Day 258

Invade people’s personal space today

We are all surrounded by an invisible barrier which others cross at their peril. However this varies enormously according to the degree of intimacy, and each person’s culture and personality. Today measure how close you have to get to violate the personal space of those you meet.

Day 259

TODAY, GREET EVERYONE YOU CROSS IN THE STREET AS IF THEY WERE A LONG-LOST FRIEND AND SEE IF THEY CLAIM TO REMEMBER YOU

M/ajt£ GCar/c.-. (me erf the ^m^ ■

FrMnA- u/e if^srt^L of Daba.ccrrp cm Uie ^a/mz <£qjj

Day 260

Gender Bending Day

Explore your other side today through the role-play scenarios below.

WOMEN: you are to assume the name Brian. As Brian you are one of the lads, dressing in jeans, football shirt and leather jacket. Lunchtime sees you down the pub, downing a few pints before the match. The afternoon is spent shouting at the TV, before you drunkenly head for the DIY store where you will purchase phallic powertools. You will then spend two hours trying to get them to work before even consulting the instructions. Needless to say, all of this activity will be conducted to the sound of beer-fuelled semi-continuous farting and belching, which will continue until bedtime.

MEN: today you are Deborah, a woman of the world who loves the feel of pink silk knickers and would never dream of going out without make-up. Deborah loves to shop, especially for high heels, and she loves to have her legs and bikini line waxed down at the local beauty salon, where she asks for a ‘Brazilian’, shameless hussy that she is! Debbie |to her girlfriends) loves it when builders wolf-whistle as she sashays down the high street, but she plays hard-to-get, never forgetting that come tomorrow she has to turn back Cinderella-like into a man.

Discipline other people’s children today

Kids in our society are out of control: insulting their teachers, intimidating the elderly, stabbing each other, and generally running amok. Today, let us all re-establish adult control, by ticking off any ill-behaved youngsters in our midst

Day 262

i! | EAT ...

( ALERT FOR YEARS, CONSPIRACY THEORISTS have nostro we ooroa. of ecmeion, A SdPmtCHET rKAN&MAThlhAL EFT OAT e* th^ ire-• — :.rv * Ai electhohi’:

I (XJMMUW;Arn^F«lM PMOHESni EMAILS. THE SYSTEM Mlfl® IT -RED HAtSn CEB W KEYWORD* Iff AM LHEMPT (0 INTERCEPT TERRORIST OM OTHERWISE SUBVERSIVE MESSAGES TODAY, TEST THIS THEORY BY

KEYWORDS AS POSSIBLE INTO TOOR EMAILS. YtllWIU KHOWTHf THEM .’ $ I jiRFCr le , | EO A 0NEOM

I ATF OSAMA BfH LADE* W ODD WACfl OVW I KHttftWW&WTAaMLW^

I CfTY GUANTANAMO MR H i A WORLD TRADt I ONI^ C^ VO ‘ ■ h>WW SWTEY L

CAECA Rtf STAGE MtLWV 0/11 MARTYR Rt/MtfBXAS&Wtt mt’ fEJWOfitSM GGMG tin.,;#. ;.-/’..;,,JI S^wrx^w >4

Saddam Nussf/R aeofitt ggsh rstfiuwsi

Day 263

Today swap blood with another Benrik reader

Benrik readers are drawn together by a common mystical bond, a shared understanding of the world and a deep respect for the principles of extreme life-change. Make that bond sacred today, by exchanging blood with another reader, and thus forging a lifelong kinship. Here is how:

1. | Locate another Benrik reader. You may know one already, or you may find one through www.benrik.co.uk.

2. | Enquire if they are interested in becoming your sacred blood brother for all of eternity. If they decline, try not to take it personally.

3. | Prick your thumb with a sterilized razor blade or needle (using a rusty knife is no longer considered essential).

4. | Deposit some of your blood in a small sealable container. Again, don’t go overboard: you don’t need half a pint, just a few drops.

5. | Seal tightly, affix the label provided, and mail to your soon-to-be Benrik blood brother. Allow three weeks for delivery.

6. | When you receive your blood brother’s sample, soak a swab in it. and carefully rub it into an open wound.

7. | Before you do that, however, have it thoroughly screened for HIV and other blood-borne pathogens. You never know these days.

8. | As you rub their blood into yours, chant some ancient Native American incantations, and voila: you are now blood brothers, congratulations!

BLOOD SAMPLE

Name:..............

Date of birth:..............

Gender:..............

Blood group:..............

Attention HM Customs: This blood sample is due to be used for ritual purposes. It has no commercial value and is NOT subject to tax. Please pass it on without delay.

Affix this label on the container

1

Day 265

TODAY, DOUBLECHECK YOUR PARTNER ISN’T CHEATING

“All is fail” in love and war” was surely coined with the internet age in mind. Today, make sure your love is true — using the latest in unobtrusive electronic surveillance technology.

True love confirmed LI True love cancelled kJ

Day 266

Today po £ cane o n n atthiil

Recreate the feverish atmosphere of a financial

>r- ding floor by feeding the HWe workers a few grams o* toiun ■ ian marching powder. Watch them zap that termite colony into oblivion. Watch them Wit? that forest into wasteland.. Just don’t stand too iJrt~: thek conversation will get very boring.

Homeless Day

Today, leave your home and possessions and try to live on the streets. Could you survive the cold, the hunger, the looks? Experience life on the other side of the begging bowl, and by tomorrow morning, you’ll never look down on the homeless again.

What you may take (your past attitude to begging dictates your level of discomfort);

If you give to beggars every day: You may take a sleeping bag, comfortable walking shoes and £5.

If you give to beggars once in a while: You may take a blanket, a pair of woollen gloves, and a toothbrush.

If you never give to beggars: You may take some foreign coins, a broken umbrella, and a flea-ridden sheet.

Day 268

Today, assess people’s potential for evil and act in consequence Adolf Hitler outlined his plans for the Jewish people in Mein Kampf, published in 1923. If someone then had taken him seriously enough and killed him pre-emptively, millions of deaths would have been averted. Today, probe those around you for murderous designs, and, should you find any, take history into your own hands.

Make sure it’s confirmed by an independent observer, otherwise it’s not legal*

Becky IaohV^ia

Potential for evil:...<?./..[£)..............

Proof of potential:.......ske £*h<ieS.^ | ..............

Confirmed by independent observer: | Yes K? No □

Name:..............

Potential for evil:..............

Proof of potential:..............

Confirmed by independent observer:

Yes □ No □

Name:..............

Potential for evil:..............

Proof of potential:..............

Confirmed by independent observer:

Yes □ No □

Name:..............

Potential for evil:..............

Proof of potential:..............

Confirmed by independent observer:

Yes □ No □

Name:..............

Potential for evil:..............

Proof of potential:..............

Confirmed by independent observer:

Yes □ No □

Name:..............

Potential for evil:..............

Proof of potential:..............

Confirmed by independent observer:

Yes □ No □

Day 269

Add your touch to an artistic masterpiece today

The idea that art is ever “finished” is thoroughly bourgeois. There’s always room for improvement; indeed, without additional input, art can quickly fall behind the times. Today, visit your local museum, and update a fusty old exhibit.

Velasquez/Benrik

Day 271

TODAY, ACT SUSPICIOUSLY

Walk past police sniffer dogs with a suitcase full of sausages.

Call 10 Downing St and breathe dirty down the line

f Loiter x ‘ outside MI5’s headquarters and sketch them from k all angles J

r Set all 1 the alarm clocks on display in a department store to ring at the l same time J

■ Help keep society 1 * on its toes today with 1 your suspicious behaviour. This may cause some short-term inconvenience for you and for those around you, but in the long-term, you’ll have done society a good turn, even if it k doesn’t appreciate J k it just today.

‘Osama’ at the airport information , desk j

Day 272

Animal Day: view everyone and everything sexually

Ditch civilization and its superfluous airs and graces, and return to your primeval animal roots: your sole Darwinian purpose in life is to procreate. Today, everyone is to mate with each other indiscriminately in the manner of Viagra-abusing chimps.

Greet everyone with a low guttural moan

Smell passing strangers

Piss on the ground to mark your territory

. | . | , | View anyone bending over as an

Bite, maim or kill your invitation to immediate intercourse sexual competitors

Pour a cappuccino into your shoe

Give a pig a piggyback

Stick a bluebell in a blind man’s hair

Throw away a banana and eat the peel

Threaten a traffic warden with a traffic cone

Release fish fingers back into the sea

Light your cigar with a £50 note

Do something that passers-by will never forget today

Do something surreal and unwordly, something that will give others an experience they will remember for the rest of their lives, a break in the mundanity of their existence, a moment of poetry that they will recall on their deathbed as they drift away with a chuckle...

Day 274

Ada Searle was born in Deptford, South East London, on the 7^th of April 1913. Her mother died giving birth to her, so she was mostly brought up by her grandmother. Ada’s father Fred lived with them, but worked night shifts on the tramways, and so saw less of her and her three older brothers than he might have done. The First World War didn’t really affect her childhood, but alas in 1925 her grandmother died, which

AdaPeachi IS minutes of fame

This is Ada Pe U* ■ loda^, everyone in® her — i—■ ‘ ■’■’ • W ’•■ .sin fit 1 . । | — | ,- ... ®

l . i ii ii i ।

meant she had to leave I ■ school to stay at home and cook and clean for the rest of the family. Deptford suffered during

the Depression in the thirties, but Ada still managed a busy life, joining the Salvation Army, working in the laundry business by day, and running with rather a dapper crowd by night. It was during this time that she met the man she was to marry, one Frederick George Thomas Peach, formerly of the

Merchant Navy. Fred Peach jr was a charmer, who whisked Ada around in his dashing open-top sports car, took her on darts team outings, and eventually married her in 1939. They moved in together in Barnhurst, on the eve of World War II. Their flat was meant to be luxurious as it was fitted with electricity. Soon afterwards though, Fred decided that they needed a garden, so they moved to a house in Woolwich, where she lives to this day. Although it did have a garden, it didn’t have hot water, electricity or a bath, and only acquired an inside toilet in 1987. The main room was 12 square foot, and served as living room and kitchen. The food was bought every day as they didn’t have a fridge of course. All the washing was done by hand. And every Friday night the tin bath would come out for the weekly bath, with water boiled on the stove. (This was a routine Ada was to follow until she was well over 80!)

Now, Woolwich was a military base and so was far too dangerous to live in during the war. And thus in 1943, Ada was packed off to Northampton to have her first child, Barry. The idea was to move expectant mothers away from big cities. Heavily pregnant, Ada had to cart her heavy suitcase on and off the train and over to the house where she had been billeted. Once there, she was turfed out every morning and had to walk around Northampton all day until allowed back in at teatime. That at least gave her time to

contemplate pregnancy; until she actually gave birth, she supposed the baby would emerge from her belly hutton. In the event things went smoothly and she was sent back to London a mere two weeks later with Lbaby Barry in tow. Meanwhile the war was still raging. In March 1944, Ada and Barry were hiding under an iron table in the front room during an air raid, when a German bomb landed next door with a deafening boom. After the blast, Ada discovered she’d been blown out of the house and ended up at the

I bottom of the back garden still cradling ______________— | Barry in her arms... The front of the house had been completely destroyed.

Fred spent the war in the Home Guard, repairing water mains that had burst during the air raids. He also did a stint fire-watching from Shooters Hill water tower. When the high drama of the war ended, Ada and Fred settled down to the reality of marriage. In 1947, Bernard was born, followed by

Sylvia two years later. Ada would work in a high street launderette in the morning, and as a petrol pump attendant in the afternoon and evening, but not without coming home at lunchtime

to cook her husband a meal. Fred wasn’t always an easy man to get on with, and his initial charm seemed to wear off with the years. He used to grow dahlias at the end of the garden, and sell them for a bit of cash. However, when the weather ruined them, he used to pick what was left for his wife, but charge her 2 bob for it out of her already meagre allowance... Fred had had a tough upbringing, and so believed in authority: nobody was allowed to make even the slightest noise while he was trying to sleep, or they could get a belting. And so the rest of the family spoke in whispers, and had to listen to the Marconi radio with their ears pressed against the speakers.

Ada retired from her final job as dinner lady at Shooters Hill Grammar School in 19 73, aged 60. In 1979, Fred Peach died, to mixed feelings from Ada; when the doctor turned up too late and apologized, she told him not to worry about it. Since then Ada has had a vigorous retirement, with family trips to Paris and a healthy daily dose of Coronation St She is not overly concerned with fame, but will celebrate her 15 minutes in the limelight today by reading the showbiz gossip in all the papers and seeing if she’s made it.

Day 275

Ever since our cavemen ancestors thought painting mammoths would help them catch the real thing, we have been in thrall to images. Even these days we can scarcely bring ourselves to throw away photos of loved ones, such is our attachment to the quasi-voodoo notion that what we do to the photo somehow affects the person. Shatter this self-imposed taboo today by defacing a potent image, be it a photo of your parents, or the one we provide.

TODAY, CLAIM YOU’RE FROM THE FUTURE

Anyone who convinces the world that they are from the future will achieve instant fame and fortune. The key to this is following correct procedure:

1) | You must arrive at night, preferably during a storm, near power lines. Any evidence of electromagnetic disturbance will enhance your credibility.

2) | You must arrive naked. Clothes do not travel well through time. Also, “Made in China” labels will detract from your story.

3) | You must claim urgent police protection against the androids who have been sent to kill you. If anyone questions their existence, claim that they are the fucking android and try to get them shot in the ensuing panic.

4) | You must pick a credible year. 2013 is too close to be of interest. 56802 is not believable, unless you sport antennae. 2049 has a nice ring to it.

5) | If you are single, why not try the chat-up line, “I’ve been sent from the future to save you.” It’s guaranteed foolproof.

6) | During any psychiatric evaluations, avoid harping on about imminent nuclear holocausts; it unsettles doctors and other patients alike.

7) | Once you’ve achieved your fame and fortune, knock yourself out, claim amnesia, and return to normal present-based life.

CONSPIRACY DAY

There’s a potential conspiracy everywhere you look. Today find one in your everyday life!

My neighbour has been poisoning my cat with anthrax pellets! My cat is a different animal. He used to be cuddly but now he growls like a dog. Whenever he comes back from the next door garden, his saliva is greenish and frothing. My neighbour works for a chemical company. She keeps odd hours. I am afraid for myself and my cat.

I am the subject of a snuff reality TV show! There are cameras everywhere in my house. There have been since my birth. I even know which channel the show is on, channel 9 because they have “broken” that button on my TV. My life fascinates millions daily. But it will end with my being impaled to death live on prime time. Help me escape!

My children are alien invasion!

the vanguard of an They are not like

My computer is bugged by the CIA! They are aware of my subversive

other kids. They don’t go out. They don’t play. They just do their homework and eat their greens. Since my wife was abducted (the so-called divorce was just for show), they stare out of the window waiting for the signal from the mothership.

potential. Every time I down to write my exposd crypto-world government, zap my brain with alpha

of our they waves to

cause writer’s block! But I will fight back you evil bastards!

What happens if I pour wate<ds5z++... “V’fiV’ J c9.6~t <ds5z+<ds5z+<ds5z+

Elvis is living in my shed! There’s worse: he’s using my The other day, my staple gun on next to the drill, when I

tools. was 100%

My cleaner is leaves hammer the dust. And

a communist! She and sickle signs in last week, my books

remember leaving it next to the saw! I dunno what he’s making but it’s a big job! He’s working flat out all hours of the night. I know this cos I can hear him crooning to cover up the noise.

must have been rearranged, because the first letters of the titles of five of them spelt Lenin backwards. I fear she is using my toilet pan to leave messages for her Comintern handler, whom I suspect is the plumber. That damn toilet always blocks!

The media isn’t a circus, it’s a club: same old faces, same old views, same old grudges. Today, demand to have your voice heard for a change! Speak out on what matters to you, whether it’s how to run a good war, or about the strange way light sometimes shimmers oir puddles, in country lanes, at the crack of dawn. Barge in and have your say! How to trick the media into giving you airtime Good: I have slept with the PM (and can pi’ove it!); I have valuable information regarding a plot; I have swallowed a grenade and wish to say goodbye; I’m the replacement weatherman today. Bad: I am the foremost expert on country lane puddle lighting.

You aren’t anyone if you haven’t been on tv. And you’re only a little someone if you’ve been on radio. And you’re only a tiny teenie weenie of a soiiiebi^jj^ you’ve been in the n^^ fHnm-But barely worth mentioning!

Day 280

mAKEAm

INSECT’S DAY

THE LIFE OF AN

INSECT IS GENERALLY NASTY BRUTISH

ANDSHORT.

BRING A

LITTLE WARMTH TOBEARONTHIS MISERABLE EXISTENCE TODAY BY GIVING ONE OFTHEMTHE EXPERIENCE OFAN INSECT LIFETIME.

. POUR A PUDDLE OF HONEY IN THE

PATH OF AN UNSUSPECTING ANT •CAPTURE A BEEANO LET ITLOOSE IN A FLOWER SHOP •CHASE A MOS0UITO INTO A PACKED SAUNA •PLACE A GRASSHOPPER ON ATRAMP0L1NE FURNISH A TERMITE COLONY WITH A LOUIS XE COMMODE •SMUGGLE A FLY INTO A MORTUARY

Sit on the floor with spine erect and legs stretched out in front of you, slightly apart. Place right foot on left thigh with the sole of foot turned up. Rest right knee on the ground. Take left foot and place it high on right thigh with sole facing up and left knee resting on the ground. Let feet rest on the pressure points at the top of the groin.

Sit in the lotus position all day long today

Day 282

Today, spy on your parents Your mother and father are key figures in your life, but what do you actually know about them? What are they really like when you’re not around? Are they indeed who they say they are? How do you even know for sure they are your real parents? Today, follow them in the street. Listen in on their phone calls. Interrogate them and others who may know the truth. Investigate them fully and confront them with the results.

1. | Interrogate: Mother

Some memories don’t lie. Even if it’s slightly embarrassing, ask your mother if you may breastfeed again for a minute, and check that the experience matches your recollections. Results:

Breasts feel familiar..............+2pts

Breasts feel foreign..............-2pts

Breasts feel arousing..............-7pts

2. | Interrogate: Father

These days, paternity can be established very easily, with a simple genetic test. If your father is the real thing, he will not mind donating a hair, a nail or a small blood sample for this

purpose. Results: DNA matches yours exactly............+2pts

DNA does not match yours exactly.......-Ipt

DNA is not human..............-5pts

3. | Interrogate: Doctor

Track down the doctor whose name appears on your birth certificate and show him a photo of your parents. Can he or she confirm your so-called mother and father were both present

at your birth? Results:

Both present..............+4pts

One present..............+ Ipt

Neither present..............-3pts

4. | Interrogate: Elderly relative

Every self-respecting family features a senile relative who has forgotten everything except for the darkest family secrets. Get them drunk on gin and find out if anything was kept from you. Results: You were found..............-7pts

You were adopted..............-8pts

You were sent from | planet Krypton.....-9pts

5. | Interrogate: Neighbours

Neighbours have a front-row seat in the drama of your family life. And unlike relatives, they are an unbiased source of gossip. If there’s the slightest peccadillo in your parents’s past, they’ll know it. Results:

Your mother is cheating on your father....-5pts Your father is cheating on your mother....-5pts Both of them are wife-swapping with the neighbours..............-3pts

<5. Interrogate: Police

If people have anything serious to hide, it’s probably tucked away in their police record. Visit your local police station and share your suspicions. Comb through your parents’ files in search of clues. Results:

Records are clean..............+2pts

Records have been tampered with......-2pts

Records show you were kidnapped as a child but the ransom was never paid and so your “parents” have kept you ever since............-15pts

RECOMMENDATIONS More than 0 points: Your family is far too normal. Keep looking for clues. 0 to -20 points: Your parents are more of a mess than you thought, and have probably passed it on to you. Over -20 points: You have grounds for divorce from your parents. Speak to a family lawyer immediately.

Day 283

VISIT SOMEONE IN HOSPITAL

The sick need to be comforted. Today walk into your nearest hospital and cheer up an ailing stranger with a surprise hug. Here are some suggestions of people who, according to NHS Trust timetables, are due to be in hospital recovering today. Just ask for their bed number at reception.

Henrietta Evans, 49 Hip replacement Cardiff Royal Infirmary

Jack Trewin, 11 Broken leg Royal Free Hospital

Paul Burns, 34

Triple bypass

Royal Sussex County Hospital

Liz Aldiss 22

Kidney transplant

City Hospital

Julian Bell, 29

Appendicitis

Manchester Royal Infirmary

Scott Evans, 31

Concussion

Beaumont Hospital

Miriam Blake, 32 Dislocated ankle Royal Victoria Hospital

Anouk Baufun, 23

Osteoporosis

Liverpool Women’s Hospital

Jim Taylor, 48 Tonsillectomy Nuffield Hospital

Day 284

Its payback time! Today get back at someone!

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Did someone fire you three years ago? Did some queen bitch steal your boyfriend in high school? Did some dog run off with your lollipop when you were two? Today, get your own back and let them know no one messes with you and your crew. With the opening up of the EU to

ex-communist states, an influx of KGB-trained contract killers has become available to the Western consumer, at very reasonable prices. Not only that, but the range of punishments inflicted has also expanded, to offer a more imaginative range of options, most of which won’t even land you in jail.

Offence:

Parents making you go to bedwiihout dessert. Other kid pulling your hair in kindergarten Teacher telling you off for being late again “Best friend” bitching about you behind your back Lecturer giving you unfairly bad markfor essay Partner cheating on you with your sibling

Punishment: Price:

Contract killer makes „

them swallow cod liver oil

Contract killer pin- £j cheS them back hard | *

Contract killer spanks fin them with a ruler Contract killer washes their mouth with antibacterial Soap Contract killermakes roc them swallow essay Contract killer ^qr kills them

Here are the current revenge values for a selection of offences. You may customize these to suit your preferences, how long ago it happened, and just how deeply you were traumatized.

Day 285

TALIBAN DAY:

IMPOSE YOUR VALUES ON EVERYONE ELSE

The decline of shared moral values is undermining our society. Today, try to bring back a little cohesion by enforcing your personal morality on those around you. Don’t be afraid to coerce people a little to help them internalize your values. They may protest, but remind them — it’s for their own good. Here are a few methods, developed by experts in the field.

Picket them

Today imagine what it would be like to be this person.

What is your job?

\\ hat is jour dream in life?

Vi i’ju fulfilled?

Are von sex-mad?

Do you break down and sob quietly in the middle of the night?

Hare you ever known true love?

Day 287

Change your name to BenriK by deed poll

YES! You can change your boring old name to a more exciting one for free with our legally valid deed poll! The only restrictions on name changes are that it mustn’t be impossible to pronounce and it can’t include numbers, symbols or punctuation marks (except apostrophes). So you are perfectly entitled to change your name to Clark Kent, Booty Licious or Bobby Charlton. “Benrik”, however, is much more suitable.

A Deed Poll

This change of name deed made this......day of.............. by me the undersigned

BENRIK of.............. now or lately known as..............

(former name) a citizen of..........................by | birth.

Witnesses and it is hereby declared as follows: 1. I absolutely and entirely renounce relinquish and abandon the use of my said former name of

..............(former name) and assume adopt and determine to take and use from the date hereof the name of BENRIK in substitution for my former name,...............(former name).

2..............I shall at all times hereafter in all records deeds documents and other writings and in all actions and proceedings as well as in all dealings and transactions and on all occasions whatsoever use and subscribe the said name of BENRIK as my name in substitution for my former name of.............. | (former name) so relinquished as aforesaid to the intent that I may hereafter be called known or distinguished not by the former name but by the name of BENRIK only.

3. | I authorize and require all persons at all times to designate describe and address me by the adopted name of BENRIK | .

In witness hereof I have hereunto subscribed my adopted and substituted name of BENRIK and also my said former name of...................(former name) and have affixed my seal the day and year first above written.

Signed sealed and delivered by the above-named BENRIK in the presence of:

Witness 1..............

Witness 2..............

Send it for safe keeping to the Enrolment Books of the Central Office of the Supreme Court of Deeds, at the Royal Courts of Justice (Strand, London WC2A 2LL). Alternatively just show this deed poll to government departments and other organizations and ask them to change your records.

Day 288

GATECRASH THE NEWS TODAY

Today, make your lite immediately more exciting by going to the heart of the news. Switch on your TV, find out the number one event in the world, the biggest story-on the planet, call your travel agent and get yourself over there immediately. What to do when you get there: since you’re in the area, why not try to get on the world news yourself? The media are always hungry for a good story, even if it’s not 100% verified.

hi April 2002, Japanese backpackers Yuki Makano and Mina Takahashi strolled towards the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem, unaware of the ongoing bloody siege between Israeli soldiers and Palestinian gunmen. As journalists and residents stared on, the couple wandered around and took in the sights. They were eventually rescued. “We have been on the road for sis months and haven’t watched television or read the papers”. said Mr Makano.

CATEGORIES OF NEWS EVENTS:

SPORTING COMPETITION. Wait for the final day and streak across the ground at the very last, crucial minute.

NATURAL DISASTER: Enlist survivors and file a class action lawsuit against God and his representatives on earth, the Vatican.

TERRORIST THREAT: Conduct your own interrogations, torturing suspicious passers-by until they confess their guilt or innocence.

MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH: Denounce the breakthrough as a fraud, and insist that they test it on your own body, in public.

POLITICAL ASSASSINATION. Apologize for the murder on behalf of your government, s-aying it was due to a typing mistake.

ACCIDENTAL THERMONUCLEAR EXPLOSION: Even if you manage to find transportation to this event, you are permitted not to go if you prefer.

DEFY HIERARCHY TODAY

Don’t just accept society’s rules. Talk back. Stand up. Be the cog that clogs up the machine.

Authority figure nol:

Authority figure no2:

Do not say: Certainly Mr Johnson, you’ll have that report on your desk first thing in the morning sir.

Instead, say: Hey Mr Bossman piece-of-shit capitalist exploiter, I’m tired of following your whims so take your job and stick it up your exploitative ass.

Do not say: I’m sorry officer, I’ll move along straight away, I don’t want to cause an affray.

Instead, say: Fuck you, pig. If you think I’m going to move an inch you’ve got another thing coming, you undersized-penis scum, it’s a free country, now mind your own business and piss right off.

Authority figure no3:

The Teacher

Authority figure no4:

The Family

Do not say: You’re absolutely correct, I do not in fact know what I am talking about, I’ll just listen to your expertise and take notes from now on. Instead, say: I don’t know which is more pitiful, the role you play in perpetuating the post-capitalist patriarchal order, or the pittance you get paid to do so. Ever heard of Pink Floyd? No I didn’t think so. Anyway, I’m taking my kids out of school and that’s final, dammit.

Do not say: Yes father, I’m sure you’re right, I’ll go for that insurance salesman job, it does look promising.

Instead, say: Look man, just cos I came out of your balls doesn’t mean I have to listen to your stupid advice. I’m gonna be a heavy metal drummer, earn ten times more than you, and that’s final, so get off my case or I’ll lie and have you done for abuse.

Day 293

Ask public transport to make

My house

Where I buy the paper

Park bench (summer only)

DIY store -(Sundays) —

Shops

My office

My favourite zoo

Public library

Never been here but would like to go someday (request stop)

I enjoyed

this museum

a detour for you

My friend Louise (3^rd floor)

My bank

Other friends live here

The cinema I go to sometimes

Urban planners are busy people and can’t always be expected to get it right the first time. Buses, trains and underground services often stop hundreds of yards away from where you need them to. Remedy this by asking the drivers to divert via your choice of destination. Remember to check the other passengers

don’t mind; you’ll probably find that’s where they wanted to go too, only they were too shy to ask! This is only a stopgap measure, until the local authorities commit resources to servicing you properly. To help them, draw up your proposed route and send it to them for implementation. Here is an example.

Now make it happen.

DafELP!

Vote

I’M BEING ...”

HELD like

AGAINST

MY WILL!

me!

The key is under the mat

WINDOW ART DAY

People feel a strange urge to display their tedious political views in their windows, when there are so many more interesting statements to make. Today, display your message to the world in you

most prominent window, and see how the world responds. Here are

a few examples to inspire you.

Pm not coming

uniiLmy

about you from behind

these blinds

Pm lonely inhere, there’s

I dare you to burgle me, passer-by

THIS FLAT IS WORTH

YOU

LOSERM

THIS WINDOW IS 100% BRICK PROOF

Day 296: Increase Your Pain Threshold Today

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Today, gradually increase the level of pain you can cope with, so that you won’t get hurt by what life throws at you.

Stand under an ice-cold shower for 15 minutes

Ask an acquaintance to pinch your arm for 5 minutes

Ask a trusted friend to spank you until you plead for mercy

Get someone to pull your hair hard for 10 minutes

Convince a dentist to remove a back tooth without anaesthetic

Ask the love of your life to break your heart

Day 298

Let children rule the world today Children are pure and innocent.

If we all do their bidding, the world can only become a better place. Do nothing today without first asking for instructions from the nearest available child.

bed by 8.

Day 299

Today invent a new punctuation mark.

Denotes that the previous sentence is to be construed ironically.

♦ Orgasm. More generally used to indicate the writer is sexually aroused.

e Writer is aware that at this point he’s bullshitting.

fill ^ou^e brackets: contains llJJ a secret, only read if you agree to keep it.

Example: As I write this I am sitting stark naked with a blonde on my lap* ((She has a third nipple)). Actually there are two of them, twins in fact* OK, well it’s bound to happen someday S

nt manjuan 3nt building he local nev

of organic topsoil with lime to maid s a day is a minimum, preferably in mt your seeds about one half-incl rintee a decent harvest that will ph:

t night is advisable to ensure an

a good location to plant your seed rspersed with trees and small busl ns are often automatically watered:

Day 301

TODAY

LIE TO SOMEONE ABOUT YOUR PAST

There are four main types of lie about one’s past, all designed to enhance one’s reputation:

WHITE LIES My first word was symposium .

BLATANT LIES I’m descended through my mother’s side from Attila the Hun.

LIES NO ONE CAN CHECK: I used to work for the CIA, but the paperwork was too stifling.

LIES NO ONE WANTS TO CHECK:

They really bungled my sex change operation.

Day 303

BARTER DAY

1 STONE = 2 STICKS

1 LEAF = S DEAD ANTS

12 FRENCH FRIES = 1 PENCIL

2 APPLES = 1 LOAF BREAD

1 COW = 2 DOCS

1 MUD HUT = 4 DONKEYS

1 MDTOR-BIKE = 1 FRONT CARDEN

1 GIRAFFE = 1 BICYCLE

17 SEATBELTS = 1 YEAR’S CABLE TV SUBSCRIPTION

5 E1CHTEEN-WHEELERS = 1 SMALL HOUSE WITH ND WINDOW

110 FRESH ECGS = 1 DVD

Jw&

J°°l®% 0© DiC1*0 qm®£! °OctK^

1 SKYSCRAPER + 4 PEARS = 2 REMOTE VILLAGES

Bartering provides fun for all the family, bypasses the taxman, and is a useful skill to acquire in the event of civilization suddenly reverting to the Stone Agr . Here are some useful equivalencies to get you started.

Day 304

Volunteer for a medical experiment today

Drugs companies need to test their new products on human volunteers. You can earn decent cash by participating in their trials. But it’s not about the money, it’s about the unrivalled opportunity for radical life change. These are drugs in the early stages of development, before research has sanitized them. Pick a cutting-edge drug, and chances are you’ll develop a cutting-edge side effect: night vision, telepathy or radioactive superpowers perhaps. Think of how that would pep up your daily routine! Call today and volunteer your services. Worst-case scenario: you’ll be able to bring an expensive lawsuit!

Case studies |

Sta>t date | Monday 11/12/06 | Monday 11/12/06 | Monday 11/12/06 | Tuesday 12/12/06 | Friday 15/12/06 | Friday 15/12/06 | Sunday 17/12/06

Study code | JS0098X | Sanuspoi 3000z | Phfx/788/ fact4 | TT-X545 | RD2000M7 | DRF003/ 2a | Ch56/ 44–0004

Study type | New laxative drug | Kidney cleansing agent | Cancer vaccine | Drug sideeffects on spinal fluid | Skin reaction to GM bioenzyme YK9 | Blood recoagulant | Potential vaccine for Marburg haemorrhagic fever

Country | UK | UK | Belgium | UK | USA | Andorra | Tasmania

Overnight stays | 1 | 1 | 4 | 5 | 7 | 1 to 14+ (depending response) | 59

Daily visits | Medical x2 morning visits | Medical | Medical x3, annual check-up (indef;) | Medical x2, annual checkup for 6 years | Medical x2,12 monthly visits | Medical x3 | Medical, 2 month stay

Risk factor | 6/10 | 2/10 | 7/10 | 8/10 | 8/10 | 8/10 | 9/10

Payment | £1,450 | £190 + travel expenses | £2,500 | £4,125 | $2,200 | £1500 min | £6,980 + airfare

Where do I sign up? Not so fasti To qualify for most clinical trials, you should be a healthy male aged 18–45, Women aged 18–65 may apply but usually need to be post-menopausal or infertile, as the danger to any fetus from these trials is too great However, if you are very keen, ask if you may sign a legal waiver. You will need to undergo a medical check-up to ascertain your suitability. You will usually be asked to stay overnight, and will be expected to attend daytime clinics for blood tests and other forms of monitoring. Important- Make sure to ask for early Phase 1 trials, or even volunteer for late-phase animal trials if you want to guarantee noticeably life-changing results. Our tip: invasive trials pay better. Contact: most of the large pharmaceutical companies have clinical research divisions.

Day 305

IRONY IS A CURSE IN DISGUISE, CORRUPTING AND REDUCING EVERYTHING TO THE SAME SUPERFICIAL LEVEL AND ABOLISHING DEPTH IN BOTH VALUES AND RELATIONSHIPS.TODAY, AVOID THE TEMPTATIONS OF GLIBNESS AND FRIVOLITY AND TAKE LIFE SERIOUSLY FOR A CHANGE. ’

Day 306

Benrik readers in the UK are particularly lucky that a completely new life-changing opportunity has recently presented itself. Thanks to the British state, “glorifying terrorism” can now land you in prison for years. This preposterously vague criminal offence is still in its infancy though, so help the courts decide what constitutes “glorification” by walking around with one of the badges above.

Check www.benrik.co.uk for availability.

Day 307

Get in touch with your hero today There is nothing more uplifting than meeting the person you admire most in the world. Take the first step today by approaching your hero and requesting an encounter. Here are some suitable potential heroes if you can’t think of any.

Mikhail Gorbachev Nobel Peace Prize 39 Leningradsky Prospect, bdg. 14, Moscow 125167, Russia

Jane Fonda,

Peace and fitness activist c/o Fonda, Inc.

PO Box 5840, Atlanta, GA 31107, USA

Nelson Mandela

Nobel Peace Prize c/o Office of the President Pretoria 0001, Republic of South Africa

Javier Perez De Cuellar Fifth UN Secretary General, c/o UN United Nations Plaza, New York, NY 10017, USA

Bjorn Borg,

Winner of 5 Wimbledon titles

Stadgarden 10, Box 154 15, 10465 Stockholm, Sweden

Bono,

Singer and debt campaigner

Temple Hill, Vico Road Killiney, Co Dublin, Ireland

Noam Chomsky, Professor MIT Linguistics Dept.

77 Massachusetts Ave.

Bldg. 32-D8O8

Cambridge, MA 02139, USA

Jimmy Carter, Nobel Peace Prize Carter Centre One Copenhill, Atlanta GA 30307, USA

Nana Mouskouri, Singer, UNICEF Goodwill Ambassaoor, c/o Mercury — Universal 22, rue des Fosses St-Jacques, 75005 Paris, France

Day 308

i >5 estimated th I un? hi t^e ve people ‘e copied Mane never fint’ oci If you have ever felt different from ybur parents Or your siblings, seek out the truth today, Check by calling the Adoption National Helpline on 0808 8081234.

Day 309

Sue over a historical grievance today These days, it is perfectly acceptable to sue for damages done to your long-dead ancestors. Indeed, if you aren’t rich, it’s because at some point in history, others dispossessed your family or somehow deprived them of their rightful share of the Earth. Find the descendants of the people responsible and serve them with an inflation-adjusted claim for damages.

Grievance | Date | Claim (Inflation-adjusted) | 1

Landowner sexually harassed your servant great-grandmother | 1902 | £996,54 | 1 5 |

Coalmine-owner exploited your great-great-great-great-grandfather | 1823 | 1 £2,870,876 |

Dowry for eldest daughter of the family never paid | 1769 | £13,879, | 910 | J | ►

Lord of the manor stole eight bushels of hay from your family | 1382 | £45,788, |

Attila the Hun slaughtered family livestock | 600 | £108,089,778 |

Ancestors of Bill Gates clubbed your ancestors to death | 104 BC | £783,554,891 | ►

Romans built road over your property | 34,081 BC | £12,976,087,865 | J | ►

x ^ i

TONIGHT DATE YOURSELF

As Oscar Wilde noted, to love oneself is rhe beginning of a lifelong romance. You know you’re special, and you deserve to be treated as such. Who better to cater to your every need but yourself:’ So today, come home early, run yourself a bubble bath, crack open a bottle of champagne, and treat yourself to a candlelit dinner where no one will bore you with selfish talk of themselves. And if the evening is successful, may we suggest you retire to the bedroom. Who knows, you might get lucky...

Day 311

PETITION DAY

Submit your name on www.benrik.co.uk and we will automatically put your name to any petition of interest that comes our way. Here are just a few of the worthy causes you will support, free of charge.

ENDTHE FALKLANDS WAR NOW The war has been going on over 20 years now, at huge cost in lives to both sides. We ask the government to come to its senses.

Widescreen TV is flatter and therefore discriminates against the taller actor. We the

UIS FOR

EWTEfl

ARTISTS WHOSE NAMES BEGIN IN HARE NOT PROPERLY REPRESENTED IN OUR MUSEUMS NCREASE THEIR PROPORTION TO / TH NOW!

(TO BE CONFIRMED) HAS BEEN WRONGLY ARRESTED!

We call on the PM to rectify this outrage immediately!

Day 312

“Dear Sir, I wish to renew my subscription to your motherfucking magazine.”

“Dear wanker, I am ..riting to apply for an extension to my overdraft.”

“fuck me, that cappuccino was delicious, thanks.”

“Have you been on the fucking potty sweetheart?”

“Will you shitting marry me?”

If we swear constantly, is it still swearing?

Test the boundaries of this new world today by swearing in- every sentence you write or utter, and monitoring the reaction. •

TV personalities like bad-tempered chef Gordon Ramsay have made swearing socially acceptable, transforming our everyday language more than any contemporary novelist or poet could hope to. It is liberating in one sense, but also self-defeating:

“I’ll have the prawns followed by the chicken, for fuck’s sake.”

Don’t use the word “cunt” though, which is like a powerful antibiotic of last resort — when it loses its effectiveness, humanity will have run. out of swearing resources and Swearing wifi com® to an end.

Day 313

ea

e we

HAH AHA,

HAHA HAHA HAW

HAHA HAHA HAW^A

HAHAH HAHAH HAHAHA

nan san

“Most of the canned aughter on television was recorded in the

HAHAHA HAHAHAH .AHAHAHA

Benrik have taken it upon themselves to update the obsolete canned laughter of our times. Fifties laughter spells fifties humour. Could you be the laugh of the next generation of sitcoms, and earn fabulous money in the process?

Record your laugh via www.benrikco.uk today and see if it wins the “canned laughter” vote. The winner will be promoted to TV networks across the globe. Good luck. Hahahahahahahaaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Day 314

A DAY OF COMPLIMENTS

Flatter someone today and see if it does indeed get you anywhere.

Make your dreams come true today

As Freud revealed, dreams are the disguised fulfilment of repressed wishes. To deal with these repressed wishes, you may either undergo years of therapy, or you can act them out, thus confronting the problem at the root. Today, treat your dreams literally: make them happen...

Dream: | Repressed meaning: | Making it happen:

“I was riding a goat naked, when I saw a penis-shaped cloud and fell off.” | You are afraid of the animal nature of your sexuality. | Goar hire: 020 7247 8762 Riding lessons: 024 7669 8300 Meteorological Office: 0870 900 0100 Medical help: 999

“All my teeth have been knocked out to help prop up the Great Wall of China.” | You are worried about ageing, that your looks won’t last for ever. | Dentist: 020 7935 0875 Chinese embassy: 020 7299 4049 Fedex: 0800 123 800 UN World Heritage Sites: 00 1 212 963 447 5

“I’m a prisoner in a castle trying to ler my hair down to escape, but the moat is full of babies.” | You are having a midlife crisis. | Castle rental: 01573 229 797 Hairdresser: www.toniandguy.co.uk Adoption agency: 0800 783 4086 Nappy wholesaler: 0845 257 3658

“The 747 I’m in flies into a flock of eagles and nearly crashes but I save the day.” | You feel unrecognized by your work colleagues and hierarchical superiors. | Flying school: 01959 578101 Travel agent: www.cheapflighrs.co.uk Animal trainers: 020 8654 0450 Life insurance: 01603 622200

“I’m being chased by a five-legged table into a field of squishy rotten pumpkins.” | Your guess is as good as ours. | Furniture maker: 01409 281579 Organic farms association: 0117 314 5000 Trainers: 0870 873 0300 Magic mushrooms: New Forest.

Bonus! Your wildest dream: “Twelve high-class models are licking chocolate off my belly as I count my million-pound fortune.” | You would quite like it if twelve high-class models licked chocolate off your belly as you counted your million-pound fortune. | Elite model agency: 00 1 212 529 9700 The Chocolate Society: 01423 322230 National lottery: local newsagents Therapist: 020 7267 3626.

Day 316

Today, enforce the ‘customer is always’ right rule: Try these complaints and see if you get your money back

This chicken was only cooked on the inside.

This condom had been used before.

This shirt got bigger in the wash.

This multivitamin tablet is missing B1 2.

I got food poisoning from your chewing gum.

This newspaper contains too much news about dogs.

I didn’t get any sleep as your hotel room was haunted.

That movie was packed with subliminal pornographic images.

Day 317

Day 318

Be gay for a day!

A.i James Dean said, why go through life with one hand tied behind your back? Here are some hints on how to experience your other side in Just one day.

8 a.m. During rush hour, try to brush up gently against someone on public transport. This is just to get yourself used to the idea of same-sex contact. Do not push this too far as technically it is known as frottage and could get you arrested.

11 a.m. The office coffee machine is the ideal casual flirting situation. Wait for the object of your affection to help themselves to a coffee before bumping into them. Their beverage will spill over them, providing you with the perfect opportunity to caress their chest with a kitchen towel.

1 p.m. Because of social conventions, it is much easier to find a gay mate if you are officially on the lookout. Use your lunch hour to compose a carefully worded all-staff e-mail in which you come out of the closet. (You will always be able to claim it was a misunderstanding tomorrow.)

3pm By now you should have had plenty of responses to your flirting overtures, but you also

need to start planning your evening. Ring a close same-gender friend and say you have something important to tell them. Arrange to meet in a romantic bar or restaurant. Candlelight is best.

5 | p.m. The end of the office day. As tomorrow you will be able to explain everything, why not turn up the heat a little by squeezing someone’s bottom playfully on your way out. (If possible pick someone with a sense of humour).

8 | p.m. By now your date should be going well. After a few drinks, some inadvertent touching and a lot of eye contact, tell your close friend that you think that your relationship cotdd be taken to the next level. They may act unconvinced at first, even play “hard to get,” so don’t be shy of forcing them to deal with their feelings by grabbing their hand or even French kissing them.

11 | p.m. Only one hour left to explore the outer shores of your new sexuality. After today’s gradual physical emotional build-up, the last inhibitions shouldn’t be too difficult to shed. The rest is up to you...

If you’re gay already, be straight for a day! Adapt the above guidelines, only make it clear you’re heading into the closet.

Day 319

TAILING TECHNIQUES

MI5 | Thames House, Millbank

WATCH THE WATCHERS

We are all under increasing surveillance, both physical and electronic. CCTV cameras are proliferating. Databases are expanding. Computers are interconnecting. This is only partly because of the threat from Al Qaeda, which has acted as a convenient catalyst for technology- and market-driven intrusion into our private lives that would have occurred anyway — albeit at a slower pace and with more public resistance. The question, as ever, is how to prevent gross abuse of the system: who is watching those who watch us? Today, it’s time to turn the tables: pick a state surveillant as they leave work and tail them for the rest of the day.

1. | PLAN AHEAD Spend time investigating the area around the state surveillant’s workplace. Plan possible routes, get to know the local tube station’s exits and entrances, learn to avoid CCTV cameras.

2. | COME PREPARED Bring the standard surveillance equipment: stills camera, video camera, notepad, local map, compass and binoculars. Use your equipment with discretion: staring at someone through binoculars may look suspicious to passers-by or the state surveillant’s next-door neighbours.

3. | MAINTAIN YOUR DISTANCE Pick a stakeout spot fifty yards away from the state surveillant’s work exit, and start shadowing them as they emerge. Adjust your distance according to the crowd: hang back if there are few people around (“loose tail”), move in if the crowd is dense (“tight tail”). 1’ollow them until you know where they live.

4. | AVOID DIRECT EYE CONTACT Eye contact makes it easier for the state surveillant to remember you and realize they are being tailed. Do not divert your gaze either, as that looks suspicious. Instead, focus on a point beyond them.

5. | GATHER EVIDENCE Log your notes on your state surveillant, and gather photographic and video records of any suspicious or incriminating behaviour. Include details of where they go, who they meet, and, most importantly, who they are surveilling.

6. | NEVER LOSE SIGHT 01’ THEM The state surveillant will be trained in evasion tactics, so assume they will try to lose you. They may suddenly enter a public building, or a cinema, or stop and turn around abruptly. Be alert — do not let them shake you off.

7. | ARE YOU BEING 1’OLLOWED? The state’s tentacles are everywhere. As you make progress in your surveillance, you may come to their attention. If you think the state apparatus is onto you, destroy the evidence asap and fiee the country before they take you in. Good luck.

WK.I; ^NMVimSM

in IA

North Korea,suffers from u shortage of suite-trained psychiatrists.

are running out of enriched uranium! Without it. they stand no chance against Western imperialistic aggression! They NEED TO BE PROTECTED against the Great Satan and Britain its fascist poodle!

£2 A MONTH

will buy enough weapons-grade uranium to protect five children.

Thank you.

ILLNESS

is thus rife, with many hundreds of thousands mi Hering from paranoid doubts about our Great Leader. IN NORTH

KOREA

there is no room for doubt! Donate now to help us reinforce onr political re-education programme. PLEASE

HELP!

ALASKAN

ANGOLAN

The Alaskan soil contains billions of barrels of oil which the world badly needs, yet tree- and glacier-hugging ‘■environmentalists-* are trying to prevent us from extracting.them.

HELP US SAVE

all (his good oil Irani going to waste by funding a

GIVE HOPE TO

(hosewho profit from them and from the conflicts they help perpetuate. £50 a month will help plant

WBmM

nationwide advertising and lobbying campaign. A Her all.

is no good to anyone if you can’t drive there, right?

of more effective mines in rebel areas.

Lateness

Jaywalking

Eating with mouth open

Interrupting

Pointing at | Breach of dinner

people | party etiquette

Wearing clashing colours

Theft (under £1,000)

Theft (over £1,000)

Money laundering

Arson, murder, manslaughter

DISAPPROVE OFTODAY

Stoning gels a bad press, mainly because it seems to be applied withoM d ie proportionality: one stone fits all. Yet it can be a very effective way of enforcing social no. ms, and :s o much cheaper than resorting to the courts. The ■■”’ is to

size

Incest, cannibalism, taboo violations

Crimes against humanity

Day 323

Today (ell someone something they will neverTorget

Day 324

Today, make friends

with an insect

4. HANG OUT WITH YOUR INSECT: Learn what’s unique about their insect

Animals are easy to love — they are close to us in the evolutionary tree. Insects, however, evoke a preconscious feeling of revulsion. Test the limits and the nature of your capacity for affection today, by learning to love an individual insect.

1. | CATCH YOUR INSECT: Get off to a good start by being gentle.

Fly.............. □

Spider.............. d

Ant.............. d

Caterpillar.............. d

Not sure what the hell it is... d

2. | NAME YOUR INSECT: This will help anthropomorphize it.

Derek..............d

John..............d

Michael..............O

Cecilia..............O

Rowan..............d

Eva..............O

Other:..............□

3. | FEED YOUR INSECT: True friends share their food.

For you

For your insect

personality.

Inquisitive..............d

Outgoing..............d

Introvert..............O

Sociable..............□

Thoughtful..............d

LOVE YOUR INSECT: By now you know each other, so have a nice cuddle. YOU:

Enjoyed the cuddle..............d

Didn’t enjoy the cuddle..........d

INSECT:

Enjoyed the cuddle..............d

Didn’t enjoy the cuddle..........d

KILL YOUR INSECT: If you can’t, then

you have grown attached to it, bravo.

I couldn’t bring myself to kill it..............d

I stamped | on it..............O

I swatted | it..............d

I sprayed | it..............d

NOW APPLY WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNT TO HUMAN BEINGS.

disgusting but I love you darling!”

Day 325

a Jehovah’s Witness »

Top dogging spots in the UK

Dogging is the latest sin, involving strangers meeting up at ‘ night in motorway laybys or country lanes and. watching each other have sex. Participation is possible, subject to strict etiquette. Flashing your headlights or leaving the inside lights on invites voyeurs. Rolling the windows down invites participation. As a Jehovah’s Witness, you must spread the word of God to these heathens who need it sorely. You may either approach the voyeurs gathered around a car, or the people making out inside. Acceptable opening gambits include: “Can I talk to you about Jesus?”, “Adam and Eve were the original

doggers you know”, “Repent ye sinners!” and “Do you come here often?” Don’t forget to provide some relevant literature.

Day 326

Today work out how many seconds you have left to live Formula: Average life expectancy 78-your age x31,536,000 Now plan for each one of them.

987761208

735556478 901739999 092687 sec

Time is running out my friend I

Day 327

COULD YOU BE J HE FACE OF...

Today think of the brand you could be a great spokesperson for, and contact them to become rich.

Day 328

Pretend you’re

“Trust me, I’m a doctor” is one of the most comforting phrases in the English language — and one of the most easily abused. Seek out a medical emergency today, muster up any acting talent you may possess, and do your best for the unfortunate victim. Who knows, you may

a doctor today be a natural at this whole “saving lives” palaver. To help, we provide professional medical guidelines for the treatment of a number of common emergency cases. Memorize them and say them out loud as you work on the patient. This will help you establish credibility.

Case 1: Pedestrian knocked over by car

Treatment; Traumatic Brain Surgery

Identify potential intracranial surgical lesions for possible emergent craniotomy. Maintain cerebral perfusion pressure (CPP) and oxygenation. Prevent hypoxemia, maintain 02 sat > 92%, PaO2 > 100, and intubate for GCS < 8. Prevent hypotension: maintain SBP >100 mm Hg, MAP > 80. MAP = DBP + 1/3 (SBP — DBP). Prevent, monitor, and treat intracranial hypertension. Maintain intracranial pressure (ICP) = 5–15 mm Hg. Maintain CPP = 70–90 mm Hg. High levels of PEEP may raise ICP. Check serum sodium and keep in the range of 145–150 mEq/dL. IV mannitol (not in anuric patients), 0.25–1.0 g/kg, every 6–8 hours to keep serum osmolarity optimal.

Hypercarbia should always be prevented. Beneficial effects of hyperventilation/hypocarbia must be balanced: it reduces ICP through vasoconstriction, but also reduces cerebral blood flow. Prophylactic hyperventilation should not be used. Removal of cerebrospinal fluid by placement of an intraventricular catheter. Perform craniotomy with bone and brain removal as life-saving procedure of last resort in the moribund patient.

Case 2: Woman starts contractions on public transport

STOP DA 8 L< S !

Treatment: Emergency Delivery

Supplies needed: povidone-iodine, 10 cc syringe, lidocaine, 2 clamps, ring forceps. Clean perineum with sterile solution. If patient’s first delivery, perineum should be anesthetized with lidocaine in case an episiotomy is needed. There is little support for prophylactic episiotomy, but may be necessary if the fetus is large, or tearing occurs. If an episiotomy is needed, cut in the posterior midline from the vaginal opening approx. 1/2 the length of perineum, and extend about 2-3/cm into vagina. After delivery of head, mouth and nose must be suctioned and neck palpated for evidence of a nuchal cord. Place hands along the parietal bones to allow delivery of the anterior shoulder. Downward traction should allow shoulder to clear pubis, and fetus should be directed anteriorly for delivery of the posterior shoulder. Delivery of the placenta by uterine fundal elevation, lengthening of the cord, and a gush of blood. Start patient on infusion of lactated Ringers with 20 units of oxytocin. Oxytocin can also be given IM if there is no IV access. If no oxytocin available, alternatives are methylergonovine maleate 0.2 mg intramuscular (IM).

Case 3: Man has heart attack on plane

Treatment: Angioplasty

The diagnosis of an acute myocardial event is made by the presence of ST segment elevation or depression on 12-leak ECG and/or an abnormal elevation of serum markers of myocardial injury (myoglobin [MB] fraction of creatine phosphokinase, Troponin I). Supplemental 02, Morphine, Aspirin 325 mg tablet, NTG SL (0.4 mg tablet every 5 minutes until pain relieved, maximum 3 doses) or IV infusion. Administer beta-blocker: push 5–15 mg IV slowly q6h or 50–100 mg q12h of Mitoprolol or Ytenol (50–100 mg) to help to maintain cardiac rhythm. Start compressions. Open intubation tray. Titrate morphine. Inject Heparin anticoagulant. Administer Nitro drips by IV infusion. Use Lidocaine (for arrhythmia), or Pncainomide. Administer thrombolytic tissue plasminogen activator Tinoctoplase. Perform endotracheal intubation. Move to shock treatment if no response.

Bedside manner: the way you handle your patient can determine how quickly they recover. Current best practice includes: a) asserting your authority swiftly — shush the patient and their family as you make your diagnosis; b) understanding the patient’s hidden fear — don’t listen to what they say, listen to what they’re not saying, then make them say it; c) establishing a bond of trust — betting hard cash on your diagnosis reassures patients that you’re confident in your own judgement. A great doctor is a placebo: doesn’t do much but cures all the same.

Day 330: Arrive three quarters of a hour late for everything today

Punctuality is the thief of time. Sabotage everyone’s attempts at it today by running late for any meetings, thus setting off a chain reaction that will undermine the very basis of technocratic capitalist society.

BOOM! (chain reaction)

Basis of technocratic capitalist society undermined

Day 331: Obey your elders and betters today

Most human societies cherish and respect the wisdom of their oldest members; the elders are chiefs, leaders, high priests. Western society, however, consigns them to quiet retirement homes and social irrelevance. Reverse this sad state of affairs today: let none of us make a single decision without consulting someone over the age of 70. Call any family members over 70 first; the older and more experienced, the better. If you have none, email one of these retirement homes and respectfully ask that they forward your question to a senior citizen.

BUSINESS DECISIONS
Mount Olivet Nursing Home, Devon
(mountolivet@grayareas.co.uk)

MEDICAL DECISIONS
Buxton Lodge Nursing Home, Surrey
(care@buxtonlodge.co.uk)

MILITARY DECISIONS
Taymer Nursing Home, Bedfordshire
(matron@taymer.co.uk)

ROMANTIC DECISIONS
All Hallows, Suffolk
(admin@allhallowsnursinghome.org.uk)

SCIENTIFIC DECISIONS
Villa Maria, Melbourne, Australia
(villamaria@villamaria.com.au)

POLITICAL DECISIONS
Kestrel Grove, Hertfordshire
(home@kestrelgrove.co.uk)

LEGAL DECISIONS
Aronal Cottage Rest & Nursing Home, West Sussex
(info@aronalcottage.co.uk)

CULTURAL DECISIONS
Haresbrook Care Centre, Worcestershire
(care.haresbrook@virgin.net)

Day 332: Surveillance Special

Littering

Drunken jostling

Mugging

Stabbing followed by mugging

Stabbing and/or Gangbeating with Mugging

Murder
(back alley CCTV only)

Today stage a crime in front of a CCTV camera and see if anyone comes to the rescue.

Today go to the zoo and do feed the animals

ANACONDA

BEAR = Berries

BALD EAGLE = Ice crean

FEED THE ANIMALS

Zoo animals have a miserable time as it is, they should have the right to stuff their faces, wnatever some fascist zookeeper says. Here are some of their favourite foods in th# wild so you know what to take along.

MON = Zebras

ELEPHANT = Grass

GIRAFFE * Small birds (as they fly past*

GIANT PANDA = Ginseng leaves

cLECTRIC ESt ■ — Plankton

Day 334: Become an expert on today

Read all the newspapers from A to Z and watch all the news bulletins so that by midnight tonight no one in the world knows more about the events of today than you. Here is a quick test to check your knowledge before you use it to attain unheard-of riches and power:

Weather in Zambia tod ay:

Number of wars in progress today:

World population today:

Result of main sporting event today:

First topic on Jerry Springer today:

Middle East oil reserves today:

Number of astronauts in space today:

Lottery results in Colorado today:

Percentage of faked orgasms today:

Time spent waiting for phones to be picked up:

Moon-Earth distance at midday:

Horoscope of Leos with Scorpio ascendants:

Number of birthdays worldwide:

Congratulations: you are now the world’s leading expert on today’s news. Tomorrow morning be sure to get a business card printed and send it to everyone you know.

Day 335: Protest Against Everything Today!

Protesting was much easier in the 80s, when apartheid provided an unambiguous focus for moral outrage These days, there are thousands of causes that clamour for our attention, with no clear front-runner. The solution is not to be paralysed into apathy, but to protest against everything going. Today, consult the internet for protests in your area and join one (www.protest.net).

Day 336: Today make sure your parents know they love them

I may seem impossible to say. But don't wait until it is.

Day 337: TODAY, APPLY TO AN ORGY

Swinging is the new clubbing. No longer the preserve of suburban housewives, the modern swinger’s party is packed with beautiful young things. Would you make the grade? Apply with your photo and that of your unsuspecting partner at feverparties.com and find dut if you are deemed to be acceptable orgy material.

Day 338: Ask a billionaire for money today

Billionaires are happy to give money to worthy causes, like AIDS or malaria. Why shouldn’t they give some to you? Write to the world’s richest today asking if they could spare you just 0.01% of their fortune. It’s unlikely you’ll get replies from all of them, but you never know. If you don’t ask, you don’t get. Sample letters:

Bill Gates

Ingvar Kamprad

Age: 53. Marital status: Married with 3 children Estimated worth: $48 billion

Source of billions. Microsoft empire

Estimated generosity to complete strangers: 6/10

Age: 82. Marital status: Married with 4 children

Estimated worth: $22 billion

Source of billions: Ikea

Estimated generosity to complete strangers: 8/10

Dear Mr Gates,

I’m a huge huge fan of all your software products, particularly the Windows range. I use them all the time and I can honestly say they’ve made my working life a whole lot easier. So thanks a bunch! By the way, I read that you’re into good causes and the like; could you see your way to sparing me a few millions (nothing to a man such as you) ?

I would spend a lot of it on Microsoft stuff, so that way you can’t lose.

Let me know and keep up the good work! Yours gratefully.

Hallo Ingvar!

I am Swedish like you, and I have been shopping at Ikea and eating your meatballs ever since I was born. I used to love those meatballs! Though now I am a vegetarian. The furniture is still good though, especially because it is cheap. You see, living in Sweden, not like you in Switzerland, I have to pay 90% tax, and so despite my efforts, I am one of the poor. If you could give me 0.01% of your money, that would make me happy. It is probably less than I spent in your stores! Don’t worry, I will not tell anyone else in Sweden. Thanx a bunch!

Address: c/o Microsoft, Redmond, WA 98052, USA

Address: 1066 Epahnges, Lausanne, Switzerland

Carlos Slim

Age: 72. Marital status: Widowed, 6 children

Estimated worth: $23 billion

Source of billions: Telecoms

Estimated generosity to complete strangers: 9/10

Hola Carlos I

I went to Mexico once in 1995 on a tour and I enjoyed your fine country immensely. Friendly people, great tequila, hot ladies, caramba as you like to say. I am now back in England where I live, and was wondering if I could bother you for a few pesos! The generosity of your people is legendary, and I’m sure you live up to it. I have modest needs: a couple of million dollars would be plenty. That’s about 22 million pesos — enough to keep the margaritas flowing! Seriously though, I need it. Gracias amigo and hasta la vista!

Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal Alsaud

Age: 51. Marital status: Married with 2 children Estimated worth: $25 billion

Source of billions: nephew of the Saudi king Estimated generosity to complete strangers: 6/10

Dear Excellency,

Your reputation as a kindly and giving prince, second to none, has reached my ears. Indeed, of all the Saudi princes, you are by far my favourite. I come to you with a modest plea. Your land is blessed with the black gold oil, which you have wisely used to invest in a wide variety of multinational corporations. My own land is barren, and so I was wondering if you could spare a few gallons. Or you could just transfer the cash ($2,500,000 should do the trick). Thank you and may your family prosper and your business be favoured by the Gods.

Address: do Grupo Corso, Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra 255, 1 1520 Mexico City, Mexico

Address: do Kingdom Holding Company, P.O. Box 2, Riyadh 11321, Saudi Arabia

Day 339: Call someone with your telephone number but a different area code

See how long they're willing to talk about your common bond

Here is a quick guide to the personality traits associated with some prominent area codes, so you can be better prepared for their reaction when you call,

01562 people are dark and mysterious. This can be difficult for loved ones, but means they are often thrilling companyl

Those with area code 0121 are filled with zest for life. Meeting new people is a pleasure and a treat for them.

The people of area code 01892 are wary of strangers. For them, patience and endurance are the uppermost virtues.

Many 01349 people function on an intuitive level, and love animals and nature above all. Others are more withdrawn.

The people of area code 01942 are sometimes capable of malice, but get to know them and you will discover their softer side.

01993 area code people display huge ambition and charisma. Nothing stops them: beware those who get in the way!

Sensuality and seduction are central themes in the lives of 01666ers. They exude a magnetic charm that few can resist,,.

01625 people are dominating personalities. They take up leading roles in society and mark the times they live in.

The hedonistic individuals of area code 01873 are not interested in anything beyond pleasure: all play and no work!

Day 340: Wear a burka all day

Amidst the Western hysteria about various Islamic customs, find out for yourself what it is like to move about society covered from head to toe. Observe people’s reactions. Witness their prejudices. Monitor your own sense of body and self, as you walk around conspicuous yet invisible. Revise your view of life accordingly.

Benrik recommend www.alhediya.oom. Manufacturers and Int..r ati । ■’ xporters. of Quality Islamic Apparel & Products.

Day 341: Sense-less day: Go through today without using your sense of touch

HOW TO: W^ ^ Wh Itrf• SKt GLOVES,

True Story: Bill W. JOU SUI strs^ „■ >j^j k hisJP^r left leg after a farm accident in 1977. But as he was close Io retirement age, it didn’t bother him too much. For a white al least Two years later. Oh a cold wiriter morning, he was sitting in his easy chair reading his dat^ paper in front Of the warm fire; His wife was out in the yard. His dogs were asleep in the kennel, §« preoccupied was Bin W, with the day’s news, that he didn’t notice until alerted by the bacon-like smell that his nerveless limb had caught fire, and was charred beyond all recognition. ,

Day 342: Stare at a single work of art far hours until you understand it fully

On the foce of it, this well-known work by Algerion-born pointer Kholed Reghine presents us with a straightforward norrotive. Entitled Number 12, it weaves the tale of two boys who hove (just?) competed in a wheelchair roce. One has wan and is holding the trophy. The other (the eponymous “Number 12”) has lost, ane of his wheels lying on the ground. Also he seems ta be a werewolf. The locus is o simple one: we os spectators ore enjoined to feel sympathy far Nol2, who holds us in his tearful gaze. Yet this deceptively simple scene conceols o web of conflicting norrotives which o closer textual/pictarial interpretation will reveol. Consider the winning boy more closely. Even though he hos wan, he is still angry with the werewolf. Indeed, he is not only holding the trophy, but olso threatening ar preparing to throw it. Next ta him, his mother or lover congratulates and kisses him (she is dichatamaus). They stand os one pictorial moss, conjoined olsa ta the forest, symbol of motherhood and refuge. Nol2, by contrast, sits olone. He is triply isolated: from the forest, from the other twa, ond lost from us the viewers — he is stranded in the foreground of the convos, Hooting in the perspectivol abyss between the field af our goze ond the “grounded” plane of conifers behind him. This is a quintessentiolly Freudian mise-en-scene. The second bay hos crossed the Oedipal bridge ta the point where he is at one both with his mother (he hos conquered her affection ond respect) ond with his laver. It is no coincidence thot the pine trees in the bockgraund stretch ta the sky, erect. He brandishes his trophy/penis, keen ta hurt his rival with it in o display of brute testosterane-filled caveman mochismo. Yet this is only ane strand in this many-foceted masterpiece. For the wheelchairs provide o second key (clef) ta the text. Both campetitars ore, it seems, disabled. They are formally similar too in thot their wheels are perfectly oligned — save of course for the werewolf bay’s left wheel which hos come aff. Mony critics have sought to exploin this in strictly narrative terms. Wos it an accident? Did the winner push him right off the raad, or even sabotage the wheelchoir?

Past-Marxist aficionados of Reghine in particular have found this o rich vein of onolysis, positing the broken wheel os a symbol of the internal contradictions af aur technacapitalist society literally coming off their oxis, leoving us bereft of escope routes. All that is left to us is self-defeoting foceless (numbered) struggle in o dog-eot-dog world. But this is simplistic. The true impart af the wheels is to be divined ot o mare formol level. For the broken wheel disrupts the picture’s visual field, shattering the perspective both in its positioning ond through its (obnormolly smoll) size. And this is where we intuit the farce of “Number 12”. The werewolf boy is doubly other: he is disabled, indeed, but beyond thot

Namber 12, by Kholed Reghine (1921 1984) (Musee De L’Art Populate Algerien, Wohron)

he is in radical rupture with the dimensions (three) of the rest of his world, the world of the convos. Two corresponding circles signify this, both lying flot agoinst the viewer’s eye: his lost wheel, ond his maany foce, grotesquely malformed by the transformotian unter werewolf, that archetypal Other of aur culture. He is olienoted fram his world, from his body, from his condition. He con no longer condone the dread illusion. He foces us directly, not merely os representation, but os mirrar to our last selves (“mon sembloble, mon frere” indeed). We, like him, ore pure farm. He cries not ot the other boy but ot us and for us, far we are he, ond he is us...

Day 343: Cannibalism Day: Today eat part of a loved one

Cannibalism doesn’t have to be an entirely negative practice. For some tribes such as the Amazon’s Wari, eating your dead relatives is seen as an expression of affection, and much more respectful than leaving them to rot in the earth six feet under. Experience cannibalism on a beginner’s scale today by eating part of your nearest and dearest: collect a lost hair, pluck out an eyelash, perhaps even clip off a fingernail and fry them up with a little garlic and lemon. You will appreciate your loved ones all the more once they have become part of you.

Day 344: Today talk to a child

Children are untainted Sy prejudice and habit. Have a proper conversation with a young child today and learn from their innocence. Topics might include: favourite colours, toys, birds, bees granny, why people fight, belly buttons, mud (fun with)

Day 345: Save the planet at any cost today

The Earth is in terminal danger, so let us all drop the usual social niceties. Today, do whatever to cut mankind’s consumption resources and help bring our ecosystem back into balance.

Hide people’s car keys so they have to take the bus

Turn other people’s electrical appliances off

while they’re not

looking

for them unless the conversation sounds useful to mankind

Go to your local airport and scare people out of flying

it takes of natural precious

Discreetly knock lightbulbs in other people’s homes to break the filament

Hang

Monitor the office toilet and discourage people from unnecessary flushing

up people’s mobile phones

Turn toile while people’s are still soapy

ff the water

Day 346: Today write a letter to your local newspaper to achieve a high profile in your community

LOCAL NEWS

TOWN COUNCIL SAVS THANKS BY RENAMING TALLEST SKYSCRAPER

OT CHILOBLN FBOM CEBTALK DEATH

KO MW! UMM fM *OMU W JWHU

THE MODEL CITIZEN!!!

MAYOR CONGRATULATES HAVE-A-GOHERO

KEYS OF THE CITY ABE ONLY MODEST TOKEN OF APPRECIATION FOR ACHIEVEMENT ---------------------- WGMANT COWEN SASES MILLIONS

Before you know it, you’ll be the spokesperson A a local campaign. You could be elected mayor on the back of a wave of popular support, and next step it’s the White House (especially if you’re American). US Preside. 1 Dwight Eisenhower started off in politics by complaining in the Des Moines Digest that corncobs were just too darned pricey these days. Popul. r inflammatory topics: dog per everywhere, broken pavement, pesky kids, rubbish co ‘ectors never pick ip boxes, Town Hall corrupt.

Day 347: Today, masturbate at 13.56...

...to the following fantasy:

Women:

“Dark storm clouds were gathering over the Alpine mountain top as Emma finally reached the refuge. Where were the others? Where was her husband Edward? Perhaps they had fallen behind and taken the safe track back toward St-Paul-des-Clercs and civilization, she wondered. Well there was no point in panicking now. Night was falling fast, and she would have to spend it up here all alone at the mercy of these peaks. Exhausted, she entered the deserted cabin and barely had time to strip off her drenched clothes and slip into the thermal sleeping bag that Edward had thoughtfully given her for their sixth anniversary, before a deep slumber overtook her naked body. As even the moon retreated from the inhospitable horizon, strange and fitful dreams came upon her. She tossed and turned in the night, her feverish brow victim to wild imaginings, full of visions of werewolf-like creatures creeping around the cabin, circling, surrounding her with deep-breathing low whistles that seemed to hiss and crackle like fire?!!! Emma opened her eyes and shrieked in the empty night. There, across the room, stood the tall, dark stranger. She held her breath in terror as he looked up from the fire he had lit in the wide hearth and stared at her inscrutably. His eyes seemed to contain worlds beyond her ken. “Who —who are you? What do you want?” she cried. The man made no reply, but simply tossed another log onto the fire with barely a flicker of his powerful deep-veined forearm. He breathed in deeply, closing his eyes. Emma’s voice was trembling. “Look, now, I dont know what is going on but.” He silenced her with a look from his piercing green eyes that seemed to cut right through her. Before she even realized what she was doing, Emma raced through the door in a mad dash for freedom, through the door and out into a thick curtain of rain lashing down over her exposed skin. He caught up with her easily, his strong arms grabbing her by the waist and hauling her back into the cabin. She writhed desperately in his grip until she could no more. He held her still, stared into her eyes and finally spoke in halting English, in the manner of one who seemed above words. “Don’t. It is too dangerous out there for you. You are safe here with me ’.’ And somehow she knew that this was so. The fire dispensed a warm glow to the room. Before she had even recovered from the onslaught of the elements, she was trapped in an embrace as powerful as any of Nature’s Furies. As the storm raged on outside, she stared into the infinite depth of his eyes. And then he was upon her, touching her deep within, roughly of course but with infinite tenderness. Suddenly lightning struck a tree nearby, while its thunder covered her animal moans. He held her tight for what seemed an eternity, until the first light of dawn broke the enchanting spell the mountain Gods had woven around them. And he was gone, as swiftly as he had come. Was it but a dream? Emma wondered wistfully, as she drifted off back to sleep smiling, her brow no longer troubled.”

Men:

“Two blondes. Doing it. Together.”

Day 349: Shout with joy, then hug the nearest stranger

and tell them you've just won the lottery. Keep it up for the rest of the day and see how many new friends you can acquire...

Day 349: Submit the stuff you’d like sent along on the first human mission to Mars

Benrik have learnt that NASA are already working out what to take! Get your request in sooner rather than later. Here we present a small selection of what martians really want.

Day 350: NO TV TODAY!

Here are some pre-TV era activities that will feel a lot more wholesome.

WALKING

Walking is a fun activity that can be enjoyed at any age, and what’s more, it’s free! You can walk on your own or with someone, in the street or in the park. The possibilities are endless.

CHATTING BY THE FIRE

Everyone loves a good fire. “Round the fire” is a traditional place to chat, as everyone is gathered together. Starter topics include how well the fire is going, size of logs, how cold it must be outside.

PLAYING GAMES

There are literally dozens of games, from chess to hide-and-seek. Some of these are more advanced than others, so if you’re new to games, start with something easy, like popular card game SNAP.

BIRDWATCHING

Fun AND educational. The National Parks are rich in birdlife. Look out for the yellowtailed sparrow for instance, so named after his yellow-coloured tail. To make the most of this one, binoculars are a must.

CROQUET

Not just for elderly aunts! Croquet is in fact a vicious sport where the most amiable-seeming individuals soon battle it out for supremacy. “Uncle Jo” Stalin’s favourite pastime.

STARING AT THE CLOUDS

Anyone can enjoy this: all you need is a patch of sky... Clouds can assume many familiar shapes: cows, faces, goldfish, wheelbarrows. Names of clouds are fun too: “cumulo-nimbus,” for instance.

WHISTLING

The great advantage of whistling is

that it can be done anywhere, even

while you work, as the song goes. Everyone likes a good tune, so brighten up their day as well.

SKIPPING

Beloved by schoolgirls and boxers alike, so there must be something to it. You’ll need a rope and a bit of practice, but once you get the hang of it, there’s no turning back!

KNITTING

One for the ladies: knitting sweaters, socks and hats is one of the most stress-relieving activities imaginable, and it’s a useful skill to acquire in times of economic uncertainty.

READING

You’re doing this as we speak, so you must know the basics. Hundreds of books on all sorts of topics await your perusal. Join your local library and the world of reading is your oyster.

WRESTLING

Not as difficult as it’s made out to be, though you will need a partner. Grapple each other and try to push the other one to the ground. Hours of entertainment guaranteed.

CHURCHGOING

After a wrestling bout, why not settle body, mind and spirit with some church? Churchgoing has a long and proud history. This one has it all: singing, thinking, clapping.

Day 351: Today think aloud all day

“Say what you think” is a common injunction in our mealy-mouthed society. Today put it into practice and let others benefit from your brain’s running commentary on events.

No don’t beat me Mr badgerlll Huh?! Oh it’s the alarm clock. Must speak to a shrink about those dreams. What’s that horrible noise? Tony snoring. God, he’s really put on weight, will you look at that lump of white blubber. I’d dump him if I had the time to find someone else. Need the loo. Is it me or does my pee smell funny? Could be that asparagus stir-fry. Or thrush God I hope it’s not thrush. He probably gave it to me. I bet he’s sleeping around. As if. Not even a hooker would go near him. Shower. Hmmm. Soapy bubbles... I quite fancy a drink actually. Another thing to discuss with shrink. Don’t forget to soap thrush away. OK, what am I going to wear? That white top again? No, boring. Oh, fuck it. Hope no one can see that stain. Is that Tony getting out of bed? I don’t want to talk to him. Let’s have kids soon so we don’t have to talk any more. Might just get him drunk, easy enough. Let’s skip breakfast, I’ll get coffee at work. Bye Tony you lazy blob. Yes yes don’t kiss me I’m closing the door now. Maybe I’d be happier with a dog. Less smelly. Is it going to rain? It is. It isn’t. It is. It isn’t. Is it? It better not. Made it! This bus shelter is full of losers. It always is. You’re a loser. And so are you. Everyone is except me. And maybe that girl over there. I wonder what she does? She was on the bus yesterday Have I seen her on TV in an advert? Maybe maybe not. Who cares? Think about something more interesting. Mel Is this my bus? Yes. Let’s get in first. That old lady was there before me. Fuck her. She shouldn’t take the rush hour bus. There’s a seat. Don’t you dare take it you scum. Got itl Yes!!! I rock! You can look at me all you want but I’m going to stick my nose in the paper of the man next to me. What an ugly head he has! I can’t even look or I’ll be sick. If I’d had breakfast I’d throw it up. What’s in his paper? The sports pages. Boring! Turn to the horoscope. Turn to the horoscope. Turn to the horoscope damn you! I suppose I should read my book. Only I can’t be bothered. This bus is slow. Schoolkids. I hope they don’t get on my bus. Except that one, he’s cute. He’s about 15 though. Shit, my stop’s next That old lady’s in the way. I’ll offer her my seat now and people m wi|| ^k |>m we|| brought-Lip, There you go. Buy chocolate.

BW

I’m late. I’m late. I’m late. Where’s that lift? God it stinks in here, Rita from accounts must be in already. Yippee! Another day at work. Coffee. I can smell it I need it now! Maybe with some brandy in it Nol Unhelpful thinking. Gosh! Murray’s there. He’s such a dish. I could lick him like a lollipop right here right now. What would he say if I did? Lick his cute little ears. Yums! Ok behave. Social interaction mode. Hi Murray can I lick your ear? Yadda yadda morning yadda report yadda yadda two sugars thanks. Here’s desk. Here’s boss what a cow. Your lips are moving but nothing’s coming out Yes I would mind typing this up actually I could do your job in my sleep. Anyway where’s that...

Day 352: TODAY, HAVE A GOOD CRY

Research has revealed that crying is good for us, indeed that it is physiologically essential. There are three different types of tears:

1. | Basal tears, that keep our eyes lubricated.

2. | Reflex tears, when a foreign body gets into or irritates our eyes.

3. | Emotional tears, when we react psychologically

to something. Emotional tears contain chemically higher levels of manganese and prolactin hormone. Losing these through crying reduces their levels in the body and keeps depression at bay. This is why we feel better after a good cry. Here are some sad thoughts to help stimulate your crying glands and cheer you up.

We’re a// going to die... eventually.

Can you ever trust anyone fully? Really?

You may never meet the love of your life.

Orphans, starving.

Time is running out.

Snookums the puppy has died (horribly).

Day 353: HOW POLITICALLY CORRECT IS YOUR CIRCLE OF FRIENDS?

[Image not archived]

TODAY WORK OUT IF YOUR FRIENDS REPRESENT THE FULL TAPESTRY OF HUMAN CULTURAL AND ETHNIC VARIETY. TAKE REMEDIAL ACTION IF NOT.

Day 354: Today kiss someone where they have never been kissed before

Day 355: Today feel the butterfly effect

Chase a butterfly away from its flight pattern to disrupt meteorological systems worldwide.

Day 356: Today Hire a Prostitute for a Non-sexual Purpose

Prostitutes see a different side of life. Today, hire one for a couple of hours and ask her to fill you in on the sleazier aspects of the human condition. Prostitutes are tired of the constant sex, and will welcome the opportunity for more varied activity. Good activities to enjoy with your prostitute:

VISIT THE BRITISH MUSEUM: Prostitution is the oldest job in the world, so many of the artefacts here will relate to it.

SEE A CHICK FLICK: Prostitutes see men as they really are, and will be able to shed light on the plot’s verisimilitude.

GO TO THE GYM TOGETHER: Staying in shape is a must; your prostitute should be able to double as a personal trainer.

PLAY CHESS: Just so you can tell your grandchildren that you were once beaten at chess by a prostitute grandmaster.

are models, and not prostitutes or their clients. They have been chosen to make the point that prostitutes look entirely homely when not on the job.

SHOP FOR LINGERIE: The prostitute will advise you as to the latest fashions for your wife/girlfriend.

WATCH THE SUNSET: Prostitutes don’t get asked to do this much, and it should prompt a bout of revealing introspection.

Rates: The going rate for two hours might average £200, depending on the class of prostitute. If you can’t afford £200, try negotiating a shorter time, like £10 for a quick chat over a cup of tea. Female readers may hire a gigolo today if they prefer. However: remember that the purpose of this task is to understand the sleazier side of humanity, which female prostitutes obviously see a lot more of.

Day 357: Count your blessings

In the great hubbub of life, we often forget to pause and consider how lucky we are. Today, assess this scientifically.

Blessing	Score	Total
Are you alive?	10 points
Are you in good health?	9 points
Do you have a partner?	7 points
Do you have regular sex?	6 points
Do you have children?	3 points/child (-3 points per naughty child)
Do you have a roof over your head?	5 points
Can you feed yourself and your family?	5 points
Do you have a steady job?	3 points
Are you free from racial or sexual discrimination?	5 points
Is your country currently at peace?	6 points
Is your country well away from any fault lines?	6 points
Are your parents still alive?	4 points
Are you still on speaking terms with them?	4 points
Have you found God?	3 points
Have you found yourself?	2 points
Are your bowel movements regular?	8 points
Were you born into one of the richer social classes?	5 points
Are you a born optimist?	6 points
Are you a born pessimist?	-6 points
Do you have a sense of humour?	(+1 points if you replied yes +4 points if you replied no)
Total

If you have scored more than 40 points, you are luckier than 90% of the human race. Congratulations.

Day 358: Send a drink over to someone today

Do not send it to someone if they are with their partner.

It is traditional to send over drinks with alcoholic content only.

Wait until they raise their glass at yon, then nod at them knowingly.

Do not send a drink over to someone already visibly drunk.

If they raise their glass at someone else, have the waiter fired.

If they send it back, they probably wouldn’t have slept with you anyway.

Day 359: Everything has a price: today, find out what it is

Go up to people and ask them how much they would require to part with their much-prized possessions, there and then. Here is a rough guide to the going rates.

Selling you their unfinished coffee

Selling you a mouthful of their three-course lunch

Selling you the book they’re reading

Selling you their place in the queue

Selling you their umbrella in a downpour

Selling you their soul

Day 360: Try seducing someone way out of your league

Most people’s idea of what’s attractive is imprinted on the brain when they’re still in nappies. Staring up at Mummy, Daddy or I ncle Barnaby, we develop attachments to particular features that bear little relation to social norms of beauty. That’s why supermodels sometimes end up going out with prime candidates for cosmetic surgery. Today, try your luck with somebody much more conventionally attractive than yourself.

YOU NEVER KNOW...

Day 361: Today pre-sell your memoirs based on your spectacular future achievements

12a Shrubland Rd
Sutton SN1 1WB
London, England

Dear Mister/Madam Publisher,

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you to buy my memoirs.

I am Bert Brown, and if you haven’t heard of me yet, you sure will! At the present moment I am 29 years of age. In the next ten years, it is my intention to: climb Mt Everest naked, marry a Hollywood actress (identity to be confirmed), interview the head of the Chinese secret police, and become a chess champion.

After that, in my forties, my plan is to regroup Van Halen with me as drummer, cure cancer of the pancreas (I know someone who had it) and enter the political arena.

My plans for my fifties are a little hazy as it’s still a while to go, but I reckon something to do with the Moon (we will live in space by then don’t forget), divorce a famous actress (identity to be confirmed), and become a champion of the oppressed, possibly within the UN if that august international body still exists.

So you see my life will make a GREAT book of memoirs, which I am offering to YOU now. I want £100,000 for it, not a penny less. You have 24 hours or I’m off to your rivals.

Yours
Bert Brown
(Author)

Day 362: Primal Scream Day

Get it out of your system, go on let loose baby oh yeah!!!!!

The four types of scream:

1) YEEEAAARRRGGHH!!!!!!!

2) RAAAHHHHHRGH!!!!!!!!

3) WHOOOOOOARRRRR!!!!!!!!

4) EEEEEEEEKKK!!!!!!!! (WOMEN ONLY)

Day 363: Today kill a commercial

TV advertising may indeed create unnecessary wants, but more crucially, most of it is patronizingly brain-dead. Commercials hold up a funfair mirror tri society, leading us to conclude that people are stupider than in reality. By targeting the lowest common denominator, this cheerful garbage lowers collective self-esteem and quality of life, not to mention the average IQ. Today, Benrik readers are to join together, vote on the inost insulting current commercial, and complain to gel it taken off air. Visit www.bcnrik .co.uk to vote in your country!

ja 6,1400–408, Lisbon

for your complaint, and ley usually receive a

‘ ill prove effective.

Place, 71 High Holborn. London WCI ■ :au, Level 2,97 Northbouine Avenue, T

PORTUGAL: Institute Civil da Autodisciplina da Public da (IC P), R. Gregorio Lopes Lo 1

These are the relevant bodies explaining why the coinmerci few dozen complaints at the m< UK: Advertising Standards Aut AUSTRALIA: Ihe /Advertising

write a calm, convincing letter outlining our intelligence and should be banned

CANADA: Advertising Standards Ca i Bloor Street East. South Tower, Suite 1 _ SOUTH AFRICA: Advertising Stannards, klnhoi”; °.C b,,,. 41555, Cr ughali Johanne NEW ZEALAND: Advertising Standards Complaints “Board, P.O Box o >675 Wcllingten

Ontario M4W 3R8

Day 364: All or Nothing Day: Today Gamble Everything You Have

DON’T LET THE AMERICAN DREAM SLIP AWAY! TODAY, SELL YOUR HOUSE, PAWN THE TV, MAX OUT YOUR CREDIT CARDS — AND ROLL THE DICE ON YOUR CASH!

Burn this book publicly today

Well done! If you have followed each task so far, you will have left behind the ugly, hairy larva that you were a year ago, and become a beautiful butterfly. As you prepare to spread your wings and fly into the future, put your past life behind you symbolically — by burning this Book in public. No need to explain to passers-by; they wouldn’t understand anyway. Stand to attention as it disappears up in smoke, and contemplate the new you.

[Image not archived]

Covers

[Image not archived]

Best of Benrik readers

Horton Jupiter opens a home restaurant (which receives wide media coverage and sparks a rash of copycats, 2009)

Shadowy, Pashmina, MariGR, Sissiri, Elbaek, Leonora, Mindy and Papingo invade the small, isolated Danish village of Svankaer for the week (2007)

Sonja Kipka gets a Benrik tattoo (2005)

Will Parkinson eats the Diary and makes the national press (2005)

David Lines agrees to promote Benrik by being glued to a billboard for the day (2009)

Hundreds send in their passports for stamping with the Benrik visa (2007)

Heathernjoli and nieces “glorify terrorism”, via the medium of cupcakes (2006)

Papingo ruins the reputation of Father Xmas (2006) Cardenio wears a burka for the day (2007)

Joel Moss Levinson visits his local ATM in women’s lingerie at the bidding of other Benrik readers (2007)

MariGR Shaoowy, Pashmina and other Benrik readers swap blood (2007)

Nicka sparks a cult scare In the Swedish tabloids (2006)

Not entirely sure what this one was aoout (2007)

Mei Elliott protests in favour of the government (2007)

I, visit benrik.co.uk

Academic studies

FRIDA BRANDEL GREEN

PRANKS, SOCIETY AND EVERYDAY LIFE: A CRITICAL ANALYSIS OF THE BENRIK CULT B.A. (HONS) COMMUNICATION STUDIES

Chapter:	PAGE:
1. Introduction	4
2. Capitalism, Marx and Althusser	9
3. Everyday life theory, Henri Lefebvre and Michel de Certeau......16
4. Postmodernism, Nietzsche and Baudrillard	22
5. Desire, escapism, Deleuze and Guattari	29
6. The Situationist International	33
7. Culture jamming	39
8. Benrik the cult	43
9. The benrik followers	47
10. Conclusion	49
11. References	51
12. Appendices	55

ABSTRACT

The Benrik cult is the creation of Ben Carey and Henrik Delehag who have under the name of Benrik produced the annual This Diary Will Change Your Life since 2003, as well as other books and websites. The diary consists of tasks that the reader should complete and blog about on the Benrik community website Benrikland. It is not a traditional self-help book, nor a traditional cult; instead Benrik challenges and undermines contemporary society and its impositions on peoples’ everyday life. With This Diary Will Change Your Life as its main focus, this project examines the Benrik cult in regard to theories on capitalism, postmodernism, everyday life, escapism and desire. The main theorists and philosophers whose work is discussed are Marx, Althusser, Lefebvre, de Certeau, Nietzsche, Baudrillard, Deleuze and Guattari. It also compares Benrik to two activist movements: the Situationist International and Culture Jamming. The project’s findings consist of the image of Benrik as a postmodern phenomenon with duplicity and parody as main characteristics. Furthermore, Benrik constitutes as an alternative to the boredom of everyday life and as something that introduces an element of play and pranks. Finally, Benrik introduce to their wide audience, a set of ideas that differs from those in the dominant ideology.

1. INTRODUCTION

Benrik Ltd is founded by Ben Carey and Henrik Delehag; the company produces the annual This Diary Will Change Your Life, a diary with weekly tasks that the reader should complete. ‘Benrik specialize in “extreme self-improvement” ... [which] requires permanent radical and systematic life-change, to jolt us all out of the current coma of our collective imagination (post-9/11)’ (£arey and Delehag 2005: n.p.).

The aim of the diaries is outlined in This Diary Will Change your Life 2008: ’Benrik’s purpose is to purge their readers’ brains of the ever more restrictive cliches of contemporary culture’ (Carey and Delehag 2007a: n.p.). Benrik cite Roman writer Cicero by saying that ’to be completely free one must become a slave to a set of laws’ (cited in Carey and Delehag 2008a: n.p.).

The authors of the Benrik books explain that they wanted self-consciously to create a cult, a ‘mainstream cult’ tbat would encompass people in all areas of the world and of society. (Carey, interview)

Delebag underlines the importance of introducing ideas they are engaged in at the same time as being sarcastic, and to keep the balance between them. (Interview)

The tasks are designed to be physically and legally possible to accomplish, Benrik genuinely want people to do them, and in that sense it is a serious cult. (Carey, interview)

Carey and Delehag have a background in advertising and apply its codes and language onto the products of the Benrik cult. Delehag explains that ’in everything we do there is that element of persuasion and we never really suggest to people to do things, we tell people to do it’ (Delehag, interview). Carey describes the language of advertising being a constant soft bullying, a concept that Benrik took to the extreme and started to overtly dictate people; an openness that has been appreciated by the readers. (Carey, interview) The whole of society ... is dominated by more or less subtle messages trying to tell you what to do ... we parody that and take it to a different place by making it ... open and honest. And even if some of the suggestions are a bit insane, they are in the same ballpark as a lot of advertising suggestions. (Carey, interview)

On the cult’s website Benrikland, the followers of the diary can create a membership account and record their progress with the tasks and discuss thoughts that are related to Benrik in the form of blogs and forums. In order to become a member of Benrikland one must give the correct answer to three questions regarding general morals. Benrik justify the reasons for tbe test of acceptance by stating that: ‘Benrik have no truck with the so-called democracy of the web. To access this site fully, you need to prove that you aren’t a complete moron’ (www.benrik.co.uk). This can be comprehended in two ways; firstly, Benrik might imply that the Internet is deceitfully free, but actually controlled by advertisers. Secondly, Internet constitutes a space in which one’s identity is lost; a person can pretend to be someone he or she is not. Benrik’s morality test can function as a plea to people to be themselves. Other publications by Benrik are: The Couples Book, The Mothers Book, The Fathers Book, Lose Weight! Get Laid! Find God!, and the most recent A Book For People Who Want To Become Stinking Rich But Aren’t Quite Sure How. They have also launched a number of websites, for example the ‘Global Vote 2004’ site, where non-Americans were allowed to vote in the American election. Moreover, Benrik contribute weekly to The Guardian with the ‘Benrik Pitch’, which gives a reflection on a suggestion to a current affairs issue, they have also been featured on a regular basis in The Independent.

This Diary Will Change Your Life has been published since 2003; one major change appeared in the 2006 diary, when the tasks became weekly instead of daily. The first two diaries with one task for each day does consist of thought provoking tasks, similar to those in later diaries, which made me conscious of the research potential of Benrik. However, they also contain an element of arbitrariness, which is noticeable in tasks such as ‘Today start to eat a piece of furniture’. (Carey and Delehag 2003: n.p.) The task ‘Today bake a cake’ (Carey and Delehag 2003: n.p.) can at first also seem arbitrary, but it can be linked to theories on the postmodern that are discussed in chapter four, and to capitalism and alienation dealt with in chapter two. Cooking and baking are becoming less common in contemporary society; processed food dominates the supermarket shelves, these are products that are more profitable for the food industry. Reports on this lost skill were recently broadcasted on TV in Jamie Oliver’s Ministry of Food (2008), and it is just to television that cooking has been confined, with a vast amount of food programmes being broadcast on a regular basis. ‘Today bake a cake’ is a task that brings the reality of the basic human skill of preparing food back to the people.

When the diaries contained fewer tasks, the complexion of the tasks became more in depth, since carrying out the task must cover a whole week. Some tasks are for example divided into smaller sections, as is the case in ‘This week, increase your pain threshold’, where followers should day by day expose themselves to increasing levels of pain, to comply with the proverb ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ (Carey and Delehag 2006: n.p.). This project will make a critical analysis of tlie Benrik cult, with focus on This Diary Will Change Your Life, in doing so it will compare Benrik to the work of various theorists. Firstly Karl Marx’s theory on capitalism will be taken into account, as well as the work of Marxist thinker Louis Althusser ... (Read the rest of the dissertation on www.benrik.co.uk.)

---

Official tutor mark: 63 (B). Comments: “Overall, this work has some strong points and some weaknesses. The first are its understanding of a range of appropriate theoretical addresses (also in its sweep a weakness). Also, its method (a weakness in not identifying this at outset) and its commitment. But also lacking is any real engagement with the notion of commodification of resistance.” Congratulations Frida!

[Copyright]

Copyright © Benrik 2009. Benrik are Ben Carey and Henrik Delehag.

The right of Benrik to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Benrik would like to thank the following people for their vast direct and indirect contributions: Kathy Peach, Sarah Bagner, Lana Ivanyukhina, Anton Delehag, Simon & Jack Trewin, Jon Butler, Dusty Miller, Ariella Feiner, Claire Gill, Maria Dawson, Richard Milner, Becky Ikin, Amy Lines, James Long, Euan Adie, Jonas Jansson, Leo Hollis, Richard Atkinson, Natalie Jerome, Jacqui Butler, Richard Hytner, Robert Saville, Mark Waites, Matt Clark and all at Mother, Poke, And, Monkey and Saturday, Igor Clark, lain Tait, Nik Roope, Tom Hostler, Hannah Sherman, Kate Justice, Ollie Wright, Moo, Chris Clarke, Fiona Couper, Sola and Kim Green, Dom Loehnis, Ben Ruddy, Eric Kearley, Billy Waqar, Claudia Alvear Bello, Chloe Healy, Nicola Hamilton, Danielle Pender, Richard Dee, Alistair Robinson, John-Henry Barac, Izabella Bielawska, Marc Valli, Nikki Lindman, Carol MacArthur, Hayley Newman, Mel Elliott and offspring, Andy Moreno, Emil Lanne, Rebecca Wright, Roman Marszalek, Hector Proud, David Hicks, Addi Merrill, Piers North, Trevor Franklin, Simon Lai, Shailesh Gor, Jon Cooke, Tim Lewis, Drus Dryden, all the good people of Hodder on day 283, Eugene, Richard Prue Alex & Elizabeth Carey, Aunt, Katy Follain, Antony Topping, Stefanie, Charlotte, Tommy and Felix Drews, Colin Rowat, Gaby Vinader, Jason Weston, Clelia and Joel, Sarah Woodruff, Jad Oakes, Tom Uhart, Sally Evans, Alan Payne, Jan Lyness, Bernard Sue John and Ada Peach, Fredrik Nordbeck, Eva Edsjo, Alex Hutchkins, Rina Donnersmarck, Lucy Cohen, Sonja Patel, Kenneth & Anna-Lena & Lovisa & Hjalmar & Elin Delehag. Apologies to anyone we’ve missed out by mistake.

All illustrations, photography, design and typography by Benrik, except as follows. Where the work is not property and copyright of the authors, all attempts have been made by the authors to contact correct copyright holders. The authors would like to gratefully thank for permission to include the following within this edition: author photos © Lana Ivanyukhina; photography / illustration days 16, 24, 33, 36, 40, 47, 60, 73, 80, 84, 98. 126, 141, 142, 149, 151, 171, 175, 177, 184, 188, 193, 208, 212, 241, 253, 261, 264, 265, 279, 286, 308, 317, 325, 331,350, 353, 356, 363 © Getty Images. Day 22 photos © Justin Newitter; day 3 0 © Joel Moss Levinson; days 81,24 0, 273, 315 illustrations © Lana Ivanyukhina; day 9 0 photo © J. Nieth/zefa/Corbis; day 159 photo © Jens Mortensen; day 162 photo used under the terms of the Creative Commons Public Licence, which can be found on Flickr (“Janne Z party — my plate” Per Ola Wiberg); day 177 larvae photo © Benjamin Harink; day 201 photo © Johan Warden; day 236 photo © E. Klawitter/ zefa / Corbis; day 248 photo © Jon Bergman; day 269 author photo © Piers North; day 278 illustration © Li Bjurholm; day 348 photos © Christian Coinbergh; day 359 photo of Veronica Nordlund © herself; Best of Readers photos © themselves; photo of Will © Piers North; dissertation © Frida Green. A special thank you to the readers who sent in task ideas. Reader ideas in this edition include: day 3 © Lorilei Storm; day 12 © Gene Sweeney; day 22 © Jake Lindsay; day 24 © Katherine Calvert; days 29, 30 and 34 5 © Joel Moss Levinson; day 33 © Adam Dolsen; day 36 © Alex Marshall; day 60 © Shane Donnelly; day 76 © David Roland; days 122, 153 and 1 97 © Simon Voysey; day 133 © Samantha Block; day 153 © Alex Greimann; day 168 © Astrid Person; day 188 © Nikki Lindman; day 189 © Fran Kitson, Audrey Hawkins, Lisette de Jong; day 202 © Adam Radford; day 227 © Lucy Goldstein; day 249 © S.L. Stouffer; day 253 © Matt Welland; day 263 © Jay Glover; day 270 © Dave Beattie; day 273 © Kelsey Grist; day 328 © Sarah “Altpink” M. If there is further enquiry, please contact the authors c/o United Agents, 12–26 Lexington Street, London, W1F OLE, UK.

First published 2009 by Boxtree, an imprint of Pan Macmillan Ltd

Pan Macmillan, 20 New Wharf Road, London N1 9RR

Associated companies throughout the world www.panmacmillan.com ISBN 978-0-7522-2669-9

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

987654321

A Cl P catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. Benrik are placing a copy of this book in every hotel room in the world, to supplement the Gideon’s Bible. If you can’t find a copy in your hotel room, please raise the matter with the management Printed and bound in Great Britain by Butler Tanner and Dennis, Frome, Somerset.

www.ideageneration.co.uk

[Back Cover]

“HIP, VISUALLY DELIGHTFUL AND ALMOST ENDLESSLY ENGAGING” The Guardian

“WONDERFUL, ZANY, ABSORBING” The Observer

THE 365 MOST EXTREME LIFE-CHANGING TASKS FROM

“WILL PUT A SMILE ON EVEN THE GLOOMIEST MONDAY MORNING FACE” Glamour

“A RECIPE FOR INSANITY” News of the World

CULT SERIES “THIS DIARY

WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE”

“CHEERFULLY

If your life needs spicing up, NIHILISTIC” this is your new bible. The Times With over 400,000 copies sold,

Benrik’s brand of unhinged

self-help has changed countless

lives worldwide, some of “HILARIOUSLY them even for the better... IRREVERENT”

The Best Of is the definitive Daily Express version, compiled from all

previous editions and road-tested

by thousands of devotees. “SURREAL”

If it doesn’t change your life, Financial Times you’re most probably dead.

Enjoy!

“WILL DEFINITELY CHANGE YOUR LIFE, BUT POSSIBLY NOT FOR THE BETTER!”

Dazed and Confused

£12.99

CDN $22.99

Humour

“DEPRAVED”

A. Rumsey, Amazon customer review

ISBN 978-0-7522-2669-9